Intimacy and Sexuality:

In couple relationships, there is sexuality. It may take many different forms at different stages in the relationship and it may be shaped by many forces. The role of sex in a relationship may be influenced by the age of the partners, previous sexual experiences, cultural conventions, religious beliefs, morality and etiquette, personal expectations, and other social and personal influences in the lives of the partners. But in couples, a sexual life is always assumed to exist at some point in the relationship. It is, at the very least, presumed that there will be a sexual relationship in the future even if one does not already exist.

It is not the intention of this article to improve your sex life. Instead, the goal is to help you reflect upon and explore the nature and role of sexuality in your relationship. You will be the judge of what's "right" in your relationship.

Being Alone Together

Being "alone," usually means just that. But one of the unique features about a couples relationship is that you can be alone, together. The first step in this adventure in intimacy and sexuality is find a private place where no one will bother you, and plan to be in this private environment for at least 30 minutes, alone with one another.

Create an intimate mood by playing soft music, dimming lights, lighting candles, or by making other changes to the environment that will heighten your sense of being alone together. Create a sense of intimacy in which your attention is focused on one another alone without the distractions of daily life.

Each take at least 10 minutes to gently massage one another. Using a massage or bath oil, gently rub your partner's neck, upper back, feet, and hands. As you rub these areas, focus on how they look and feel their contours and texture. As you massage your partner's hands, pay attention to the way your fingers can interlock and how your partner's hands can respond to yours in return.

You may take more than the 10 minute minimum and you may massage other areas of your partner's body also. You may further enhance the experience by taking a bath or shower together. Besides quiet music and the right lighting, there are other enhancements you can make to your environment to further heighten your sense of intimacy and mood.

Once you have each massaged one another, sit or lie together and absorb the mood. Explore your partner's face and body with your eyes and by touch if you'd like. Take your partner's hands and lead them to parts of your body you'd like your partner to explore. Use words sparingly.

Although this exercise focuses on sexuality, it is not about sex. Accordingly, the rule in this exercise is no sex. You can look, you can touch, you can kiss, you can feel passionate -- but no sex.

Afterplay

Your adventure in sexuality may last only 30 minutes or it may last an entire evening or night. After you have mutually decided that the experience has ended, take some time to be intimate in a different kind of way. Talk to one another. Explore what the experience was like, share your feelings, and discover where to go from here.

Summary

Intimacy is often intertwined with sex. In some relationships, intimacy and sex are the same thing, and feelings of intimacy are inseparable from sexual feelings. In these relationships, intimacy does not exist without sex. But sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing, and sexuality plays different a role in different relationships. Take the time to understand the meaning and role of sexual relationships in your relationship, exploring with your partner what you both want and how best to create and live a sexual life that meets both of your needs and desires.

References

Brehm, S. (1991) Intimate Relationships. New York: McGraw-Hill

Barnett, D. (1995). 20 Communication Tips for Couples. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Gray, J. (1994). What Your Mother Didn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know: Advanced Relationship Skills for Better Communication and Lasting Intimacy. New York: HarperCollins.

Lerner, H. (1990). The Dance of Intimacy. New York: HarperCollins.

Rankin, H. (1998). Ten Steps to a Great Relationship. Hilton Head Island, SC: Stepwise Press.

Rich, P., & Copans, S. (1998). The Healing Journey for Couples: Your Journal of Mutual Discovery. New York: John Wiley.

Van Ekeren, G. (2000). 12 Simple Secrets of Happiness: Finding Joy in Everyday Relationships. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

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Phil Rich, EdD, MSW, DCSW is the author of "Understanding, Assessing, and Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders," the eight books in "The Healing Journey" series of self help journaling books, and two books in the "Therapy Homework Planner," series, all of which are published by John Wiley & Sons. He is the Clinical Director of the Stetson School, a long-term residential treatment program for sexually reactive children and juvenile sexual offenders.