Beginning Steps

Being in a relationship is the most challenging task you will attempt in your life. It takes a lot of work, perseverance, commitment, and openness. In the debut article of this column, I will show you basic ideas to begin your relationship journey.

Look at Yourself. To change relationships you need to return to a state of balance. The first step is taking responsibility for changing your own reactions, rather than focusing on your partner's weaknesses. You can't change your partner without changing yourself first.

Your partner may have many difficulties that turn you off. All relationships have problems. However, to change your relationship, you need to be completely honest with yourself about your OWN relational triggers.

For example, if someone is critical and blaming, and your response is to be critical back, the exchange could spiral off into an argument. Stop! Look at yourself here. Not at your partner. Are YOU overly critical? Is being critical your main style of reacting to criticism? This could be the your beginning step toward self exploration and change. If the answer is yes, to change your own reactivity, it is helpful to cultivate emotional qualities that counterbalance your tendency to be critical.

Make a list of emotional qualities to counterbalance your tendency to be critical in response to someone's criticism of you. To get you started, here are some possibilities:

receptivity

openness

tolerance

patience

If one of these qualities fits for you, a beginning step is to practicing it. If your partner becomes critical, and you find yourself beginning to react, STOP.

Here are the steps:

	Take some deep breaths. This will help calm your nervous system.
	In your mind, say the quality you are trying to embrace (tolerance) over and over again.
	Practice being tolerant by getting an image in your mind's eye of someone you know or admire who is tolerant. Make sure your facial and bodily reactions match the picture in your head.
	Say something that expresses tolerance. For example, "I hear you", "I'm listening" or "I want to understand what you're saying."

Working on yourself has the ability to transform not only yourself, but your partner too. In fact, don't be surprised if your close intimate acts nicer toward you as you begin to balance yourself.

Author Sheldon Z. Kramer, Ph.D., is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, Assistant Clinical Instructor of Psychiatry at UCSD Medical School, and Director of the Institute for Transformations. He is author of Transforming The Inner and Outer Family: Humanistic and Spiritual Approaches To Mind/Body Systems Therapy.