Susan reports that her partner of 12 years yells at her every day about things as unbelievable as his alarm clock not going off in the morning. He also convinced her to quit her job and stay home to care for the children. She has little time alone except when the kids are in school. He calls the house every 15 minutes to make sure she is there during the day, and reminds her that he has someone in the neighborhood watching the house to tell him if she has company.
Often he forces her to have sex when she doesn't want to, sometimes hurting her and always putting her down afterward. He says things to her like "You can never leave me, nobody else would want you and these bratty kids" or "As dumb as you are, you could never take care of yourself without me." The thought of leaving paralyzes her with fear, as she has come to believe his put downs and threats over the years. She says she is not the woman she used to be, has no friends or family contact, but argues he has never hit her or the children.
Abuse of power and control are not always obvious. Many who are being controlled or abused emotionally are strong, and do not view themselves as victims. Power and control issues may show up as jealousy that is easy to rationalize. Your abusive partner may just appear to lack confidence or have trust issues because s/he was hurt in a previous relationship. S/he may want you to dress a certain way, spend all your time together and says you shouldn't need friends or family as long as you have each other. You might find yourself dependent, financially and/or emotionally. You might often feel put down, and your self-esteem deteriorates.
You might notice the abusive person treats someone else with abuse, usually someone with less power, like a child or older parent. When children are involved, an abusive partner may make threatening comments, directly or indirectly, such as stating that they never letting their children, no matter what, or "if I can't have them, nobody will." Sometimes an abusive partner will control you by threatening suicide. When that happens, you know you need to get help, and fast.
Specific Things to Consider:
There are different types of abusive partners. Sometimes the behavior is obvious, accompanied by putdowns, intimidation, threats and/or physical or sexual abuse. Other times it is less obvious, disguised as protection, affection or belongingness. Some abusers are overtly aggressive and dominating, other more docile and passive. Either personality can become dangerous under certain circumstances. Those who have low impulse control, use alcohol or drugs, have mental health problems (mood swings, obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc.) and/or a sense that everyone is out to get them can be lethal. If they think they have lost everything and have nothing left to lose, they are the most likely to become dangerous, particularly if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Educate yourself, but do it carefully. If you are in a relationship with someone who has power and control issues, you and your children are likely at risk of harm. The risk increases greatly if you try to leave. It is important to get the help of a professional to develop a safety plan that minimizes the danger. There are many resources online, but your partner may be able to find out that you have visited a website about intimate partner violence. Be careful! Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer (perhaps at a library or a friend's home).
Get counseling if you or your children need more support. This is particularly important if you are unable to be in contact with family and friends for safety reasons. NOTE: Couples and marriage counseling is not recommended for couples who are high risk for physical, sexual or emotional violence. Each partner should get his/her own counselor and only consider couples counseling when both counselors believe it is safe to do so. Be sure to screen the therapist by telephone before scheduling a meeting. Not all therapists have been trained in how to identify and deal with abusive people, and while they may think they know how to handle them, they don't. Ask how many hours of training they have had in identifying and treating abusive people. If the therapist hems and haws and gives you a vague answer, say goodbye and keep moving down your list of names. Because abusive relationships can quickly become a serious problem, the last thing you want is to be led by someone who doesn't know these issues like the back of their hand. Once you find a professional you trust, follow their advice.
Obtain professional assistance to find safe shelter. Check with a local domestic violence agency for services or referrals. It is important to find experienced people who understand these complex issues. Above all else, do not leave a trail that will lead the abuser to you if you choose to leave you home. This may require keeping your "safe location" private from family and friends for a period. Some women go into shelters locally; others go out of town so their partner cannot track them through the children's schools or your workplace. In some cases, people get new social security numbers or even change their names and their children's names. This can be difficult, so seek the counsel or legal advocates associated with domestic violence agencies. They can best advise you about obtaining an order of protection and other legal matters. Never leave literature, business cards or phone numbers where your partner can find them.
Power and control problems come in many varieties. Trust you self. If you are often afraid, feel shame or feel bad about yourself after interacting with your partner, you might well be in an abusive relationship, especially if you have a history of abuse during childhood. If you suspect that your partner is abusing you, be smart and start taking action now to protect yourself and your children. Start by reading more and talking to others.
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They can give you information and referrals to local shelters and counselors.
SelfhelpMagazine Domestic Violence Resources: http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/resources/dv/index.shtml
SelfhelpMagazine also offers free peer support through their Community Forums. Join now and you will have the benefit of live people to discuss your issues with you for free, plus access to years worth of other people's wisdom. You will find suggestions from people who were practically in your shoes at one point in time. Spend an hour in the Discussion Forums and leave feeling more educated, and maybe with a few allies who are experiencing similar struggles in their relationship right now.
About the Author: LuAnn Pierce, LCSW can be reached at SisterCircle of Denver, 303-910-2425 or www.sistercircleofdenver.com.
06/19/2008
LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW
Author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times)
Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids
Editor-in-Cheif Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families
Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center
Affinity Books & Resource Center: Your Source for Emotional Wellness
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