Newspapers regularly carry stories of people who have been harassed or stalked by someone they have met online. While not everyone online is dangerous, you need to take precautions. If things go right and you decide to meet your virtual lover, here are some tips on how to maintain your safety when arranging face-to-face meetings.

Offline meetings require caution-not only the first time, but until you know each other very well. Unexpected issues can arise even after you have met a few times. Some people do not pick up immediate cues that something is wrong. For example, don't be deceived by a willingness to meet in the flesh. Many married or otherwise attached people manage to get away from their partners for a weekend. Follow these other suggestions below.

Be Cautious

First and foremost, give as little information as possible about how to find you, but get as much information about the other person as possible. This may not seem fair, but fairness is not the goal. Keeping safe is the goal. Set limits about the type of information you will share, and note the response you get. If your limit setting is not respected, be leery.

Until you have known someone for several months and have verified his or her statements in multiple ways, do not say anything you would not tell a stranger. Especially, do not give your full name, phone numbers, or street address. Use a screen name so there is no way to track you. Only use your email address. If they ask for your telephone number, get theirs and call them back from a pay phone.

Many people now have caller ID, or they use *69 (the automatic callback feature on your phone) and return your call without any further information from you. If you call them and the recipient has caller ID service, remember that caller ID boxes will obtain and hold telephone numbers of incoming calls for later return.
Once someone has your telephone number, your street address can be found with a little creative searching. In some areas, telephone companies offer a service whereby you can obtain the name and street address of a listing. Be careful about revealing your school, employer or even club membership information. Do not mention how to locate your children, what they do, or where they go, even occasionally.

Educate Your Children

Warn your children to do the same, in that they are to not give out their name, phone numbers, or address. They are not to tell anyone where they attend school, which school their friends are in, or where they plan to go to school next year. Supervise their activities in open discussion areas. Warn them about sexual predators in language that is appropriate for their age.

Be Aware

Be wary, because lurkers may read your messages but never comment. You do not know anything about them, but they can gather bits of personal information about you over time if you frequent the same chat rooms. Just as an experiment, next time you are online, type your own name into a search engine. Try typing the name of a few people you know. Not only can others use search engines to find more about you, but specialized services collect and compile information for resale.

A variety of "Trojan horse" programs can give someone access to your hard drive. Some are developed to piggyback on pictures or other inconspicuous files, so you would never know you had installed such a program on your computer. They can be installed on your computer by simply opening an email attachment. Once installed, these programs can be executed and information can be obtained, including archived email letters. A great deal of information can be uncovered about you and your personal habits, depending on how techno-savvy and motivated someone might be.

Be Realistic

Guard yourself against people whose life stories are too dramatic, fantastic, or exciting. Most people lead ordinary lives and have regular problems. Recognize that people tend to discuss their strengths more than their weaknesses. If your online lover sounds a little too exotic, be cautious. No one is perfect, but when someone seems too good, too sad, or too lonely to be true, they often are.

Jessica, a forty-one-year-old museum manager, gave a good example, "We spent months talking online and on the telephone. I flew to Texas to finally meet him in person. He had lied about everything. He was 6'7" and skinny as a rail. The picture he had sent me was not of him at all...He turned out to be much older than he said, and he had no money. I ended up paying for my own plane ticket, dinner, and hotel room. I was totally deceived. The next man I decided to meet was a fifty-two-year-old from Idaho. He came out to Florida and stayed for a week. One afternoon, his wife called on his cell phone. He tried to make believe it was a business call, but he kept stammering. I had no idea he was married."

Be Honest

Be realistic about your own claims. If you exaggerate now and decide to meet later, you will have considerable anxiety to manage and awkward explaining to do. If you are looking for someone to love you, be yourself. The truth is, if you want to be loved for who you are, it is a waste of time to pretend to be some else when looking for a mate, online or offline.

Adele explained, "I wanted to impress him, because he taught at a college. So I just told him the college I went to, but left out the part about leaving in my first year. When he started talking about Sartre and I tried to fake it, he saw through me. A few days later, he wrote that he would be very busy the next few months. I never heard from him again. It was ridiculous, but I'm not beating myself up. I just consider it a real education :-)"

Use Your Judgment

Even though others may appear to be more experienced, trust yourself. Pay attention to your comfort level and use it as a barometer. Be careful about situations like this one, reported by Justine, who did not know when she was being used. "I met Lee one night, and he was into S&M. He was trying to get me to participate. I talked to him for about four hours, but never agreed to go along with that. I felt creepy about it the whole time, though, and all the next day, too."

If Justine had listened to herself, she would have known to stop the conversation much earlier. She later commented, "You know since then, I've realized that he might have been masturbating that whole time."

Revealing Your Differences

If you belong to an ostracized group of people, be careful about how you reveal your differences. For example, if you are disabled, widowed, divorced, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, or belong to a marginalized race, religion, or cultural group, drop clues but do not immediately announce your circumstance. With the proliferation of hate crimes, revealing too much too soon can leave you open to online stalking. If you choose to meet offline at any point, your self-identification can lead to actual physical harm.

It is particularly difficult to completely protect oneself from hate crimes in chat rooms or other discussion areas that developed specifically for members of ostracized groups. When you are at a choice point about whether or not to reveal information, err on the side of caution.

Move Slowly

The faster you go, the faster your fantasies will fly. If your connection with someone is real, you will have plenty of time. Do not let your fantasy blind or deafen you to your internal warning signs. Control your fantasies and heed your instincts. The fact is you cannot and will not know the important things about someone in a week of email exchange-even if you had contact eight times a day. Remember our earlier discussion of how frequency of contact can heighten the perception of intimacy. When your fantasies arise, remind yourself that your cyber-friend may be just someone who writes well and tells good stories.

Cynthia said to us, "I always go too fast and say too much. Then I sit for hours and am worried that I might have scared someone off. I do it online and offline, but somehow it is easier to do on the Internet."

Leave

Remember that you can always just say goodbye, turn off your computer, and go outside to clear your head. Take control of your time and yourself.

Betty recalled, "He asked me to cyber. 'So soon?' I thought. I'm not ready for this. When I told him, he kept insisting that we go to a chat room or that I let him call me. He wouldn't take no for an answer. So I just told him I needed to think this over and I shut the computer off. I never answered his mail, and he eventually stopped sending it."

Screen

Do a proper screening if you are starting to fall for someone online. Use the techniques used by professional interviewers. Ask for historical and current information in all major areas of life-health, family, education, employment, and significant relationships.

"When I started asking questions, she told me I was too nosy," David said. "That was my first clue. I think relationships should be open and honest. I wasn't asking her where she lives, I was just asking how she felt about things."

Do not answer questions that make you uncomfortable. Remember, you do not know this person, and do not owe them anything.

Challenge Red Flags

Keep a list of the red flags that occur as you talk with someone. Watch for inconsistencies or stories that do not make sense. Ask direct questions when you find an inconsistency. Listen to how the person explains discrepancies. Do you get answers that make sense? Notice if your questions are acknowledged. If you do not get direct answers, are the questions respectfully declined? The way someone says "no" often can be more revealing than the actual information requested. You can dig deeper, because a mature person will respectfully tell you to back off, that you are frightening them, or that your questions are premature. If you get that type of response, you know that person knows how to be respectful of you while also taking care of him or herself.

Rick, a forty-year-old stockbroker, told us, "When I asked Josie how she spent her day, since she didn't have a job, she never really answered me. It seemed strange-was Josie married? I couldn't figure it out. She sounded really intelligent, so I wondered if she might be married. When I asked, she laughed and admitted that she was. I said good-bye."

Joseph, a forty-one-year-old hotel manager, did not hear the hesitancy in the email exchange with Brian. Only in retrospect did he see what had actually been obvious. He told us, "I suggested Brian and I meet in his city when I had a convention scheduled in the area. He was hesitant at first, but then agreed. As the time neared, Brian wasn't reciprocating my enthusiasm. At the last minute, he canceled with a transparent excuse. I was crushed. I had to go to my convention, knowing he was just minutes away and wouldn't see me. It was torture. I was so angry, I never returned any of his email. I read it, but he had lied, and it was obvious. Brian had another boyfriend the whole time. If I hadn't pushed for a meeting, he could have strung me along forever. My one regret is that I never wrote to tell him how disappointed I was. I might still do that one day. But I'm not ready yet, because if he asked me to meet him, I'm afraid I'd go. But I won't ever trust someone who lies from the start. That always end in more heartbreak, and I've already had enough with him."

Notice Diversions

Assuming your question is not premature, do they divert attention by challenging you, without answering your question? When you get a response, even if it is a non-response, look at the type of response you have received. This is when to pay attention and notice diversions. Do you get answers filled with confusion, twisted facts, pleas of ignorance, or name-calling?

Pat, another essay contest respondent, told of her experience with Ron, "Whenever I'd say I didn't want to answer his question, he called me a priss. When he started calling me 'Miss Priss,' I told him to take a hike."

Notice Omissions

Pay attention to the areas of a person's life that are consistently omitted. If you sense someone does not want to go in a particular direction, ask why. You can be subtle or bold: "I get the sense there's more to it than you've let on." "That can't be the whole truth. What are you hiding?"

Another option is to joke about obvious detours or excuses, like this: "Ha! That was a good try. Now tell me, why won't you give me a straight answer to questions about your job? Are you employed?"

Once again, a mature person will appreciate your directness and give you a reasonable explanation for not answering you.

Avoid Fights

Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a fight online. If you do get into an argument, and decide to respond to upsetting email, read it twice, then sleep on it. Avoid responding immediately. If you need to type your answer, send it only to yourself or a friend. When your email returns to you, read it as if you were reading it for the first time. Imagine your mother and your boss in the audience as you read it aloud. Revise it more-according to their standards-and then send it.

Carly recalled, "I hated what he wrote to me. It sounded like he thought I was there only for his pleasure. I wrote him a scathing post, but didn't send it. The next day, I decided I wouldn't give him another reason to contact me, and trashed it."

Remain Sober

Be extra careful when you have used alcohol or any form of drugs. Once you hit "send," your message is gone. As Gustave Flaubert wrote in Madame Bovary, "The devil himself doesn't have a greater following than the pharmacist: the authorities treat him considerately, and the public opinion is on his side." Take your medication, but when under the influence, put a neon sign on your monitor that says, "Don't tell."

Take Official Action

If you've already given out too much information about yourself, and get frightened for any reason at any time, here are some things you can do to protect yourself:

	Get all the information you can about the person, and contact your Internet Service Provider (ISP) with a request for help. Your ISP is the company from which you receive your email. They provide Internet service for you and can monitor someone who sends you mail. They are usually under an obligation to call the police someone is harassing you.
	If you are sent a frightening email, send the email on to the sender's ISP requesting help. Finding an ISP is easy if you do the following:
		Remove the prefix to the email address from which the frightening mail was sent.
		Replace the prefix with the word "admin," keep the @ and suffix of the address. For example, let us assume the person sending you frightening mail is jacktheripper@creeps.net. Send the frightening post to: admin@creeps.net.
	Email addresses have intentionally been designed this way, so that you and anyone, including the police, can easily contact the ISP of anyone sending inappropriate email. In most cases, the administrator of an ISP will close such a person's account for violating their service agreement.
	Change your email address; or better yet, quit your ISP and buy a completely new service. When completing your new service agreement, use a P.O. Box or your work address. Ask your previous ISP to destroy your records. Those records probably contain your home address and your phone number.

Before sending any message remember the power behind that little button.

*Much gratitude is extended to those who helped clarify, amplify, and edit the material used in this article, Rona Subotnik, MA; Les Posen, Ph.D.; Manny Tau, Ph.D.; Martha Bank, Ph.D.; Rosalie Ackerman, Ph.D.; Thomas Williams, Ph.D.; and Cleo Kiernan.

12/01/01

Dr. Maheu is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco. Infidelity on the Internet is Dr. Maheu's second book and she's currently working her third, tentatively titled "The Mental Health Professional Online: New Questions and Answers." For more information about her speaking schedule, see this page: http://telehealth.net/speak.html