What motivates someone to betray confidences or distort other people's communications? It is hard to know, but some reasons to consider could include poor judgment and impulse control, revenge, and other characteristics that can be found in people with untreated psychological disorders.

People with serious psychological disorders are capable of a range of other troublesome and hurtful actions. These people often have difficulty getting along with others because they have had significant social or occupational difficulties throughout their lives. Some are volatile, and their friends and family live in fear of the next explosion. Their behavior may vary from day to day-sweet one day, and rageful the next. They may be unable to sustain relationships with others.

The anonymity of the Internet can make it safe for them to venture forth. He or she listens but does not reveal anything about him or herself. There are narcissistic people who use others without compassion for their feelings. People suffering from paraphilias can be sexual predators. Other types of people can enjoy inflicting pain.

Lois, a 33-year-old nurse described her ordeals with such a person. "If you are basically a good person, you look at other people innocently. If you get hurt a few times, you lose that innocence, and it is difficult to regain. That's what happened to me. Twice in a row, I met men on the Internet and fell in love. They were both the same-unable to be truthful; cruel and unable to feel remorse if it smacked 'em upside the head. These types of people seek and find the dependent, innocent, gullible, and naive. They hunt for innocence, and play with it."

"I learned that the cost of falling in love with these types of people is the loss of oneself. He promised me the world, and told me everything I wanted to hear online. I snapped out of it one day when I was living in a one-bedroom apartment in downtown Detroit with a man who was a jerk. He had just left with a 'bang' of the door. We had a fight, and he refused to tell me when he'd come back. I knew no one. I looked out the window. Millions of people out there, and I didn't know anyone-but him. He just left me there to go shoot some pool with his friends, and I wasn't invited. I packed my things and went back to Bloomfield, Connecticut.

These people interact with us everyday, at work, in our neighborhoods, in our churches. But they live a double life. When online, they let their other side shine in all its cruelty. The Internet gives them the ability to revel in their talents. They suck us in, and then play with us. It's a game to them."

Offline, you may meet people with many different types of psychological disorders, and before long, you know something isn't quite right. When you are online, the usual cues and traditional ways of getting to know people are unavailable. You cannot meet them, and see how they groom themselves, or how they keep their car. You cannot see what kind of friends they keep and see how they treat the people they say they love. You cannot see them with their family members or ask other people about them. You cannot go to their home to see if they are living with a committed partner.

Many people ask if someone treated for a psychological or personality disorder makes a good mate. The answer depends primarily on the disorder and the success of treatment. Some people seek treatment, and some do not. If you suspect a person has an emotional disorder, ask questions, but with kindness and respect. Here are some approaches you can take:

	I notice you seem to be suspicious of things I write.
	Tell me about your friends.
	Tell me about your daily life is like.
	I notice one day you are angry with me and the next day very loving.
	I notice you don't respond often when I ask questions.
	Tell me about the medications you take. Do you take them regularly? (If someone is prescribed medication to help stabilize their mood and behavior, and does not take it regularly, you can expect that them to be unpredictable. On the other hand, if they need medication, and are responsible about taking it regularly, their behavior will be more predictable).

Describe what you observe in their behavior when you ask these questions, and then assess whether the response is reasonable. If you have doubts, consider how important this person is to you before continuing the relationship. The following section reveals some strategies to be used to keep yourself safe and decide whether your partner is dangerous.

*Much gratitude is extended to those who helped clarify, amplify, and edit the material used in this article, Rona Subotnik, MA; Les Posen, Ph.D.; Manny Tau, Ph.D.; Martha Bank, Ph.D.; Rosalie Ackerman, Ph.D.; Thomas Williams, Ph.D.; and Cleo Kiernan.

12/01/01

Dr. Maheu is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco. Infidelity on the Internet is Dr. Maheu's second book and she's currently working her third, tentatively titled "The Mental Health Professional Online: New Questions and Answers." For more information about her speaking schedule, see this page: http://telehealth.net/speak.html