You may not know the person typing a message, but you can know yourself. Here are a few questions to help you decide how much privacy and anonymity you will require to remain safe in a virtual romance.

Mindfulness

Are you proceeding with caution, or being careless about what you write? As your share your thoughts, are you mindful of who might see your messages now or in the future? Messages carrying expressions of your very personal feelings can easily be forwarded to other individuals, or to large audiences. Write with care.

Anne said, "In the first love affair I had online, I said some pretty personal things. I explained how I had trouble with orgasms and how afraid I was of men. So the guy said that he was sorry and just stopped answering my mail. Now I am worried."

Current Life

Examine your current life situation. Are you happy with your offline relationships? If something feels out of balance, and you realize you are wasting too much time and energy with online relationships, can you stop for a month and put the same number of hours into your existing relationships? Try it, and see what happens. You may be using online connections as a distraction from resolving the issues in your real-life relationship.

Dan decided, "I was using the Internet to make John jealous. I'm going to stop and put my efforts into our relationship."

History

What is your interpersonal history? As a child, were you repeatedly and seriously hurt by sexual, physical, or emotional trauma? Do these past experiences sometimes cloud your reactions to people? Have you always felt "on the outside"? When you connect, do you have trouble letting go, even if someone has mistreated you repeatedly? If someone rejects you, do you obsess about it?

Stress Management

We all hurt when we are rejected, humiliated, or betrayed. Ask yourself if you have the capacity to withstand these stresses without having them seriously interfere with your daily life. Will you obsess over a rejection, numbing your feelings through addictive or other self-destructive behavior to the point where it interferes with your daily life? For example, if a difficult interpersonal exchange occurs with someone online, are you unable to go to work, unable to socialize with offline friends and talk about your stresses, or unable to perform your daily tasks? Do you lose sleep for days or weeks when you experience these hurts? "After four months of cyber-sex," Marianne said, "I didn't think he would just disappear. Now I am at a loss. I keep reading over all my emails and I can't stop thinking about him and why he took off like that."

Medication

Do you need medication to balance your emotions (antidepressants, antipsychotics, or antianxiety medications)? If you are using medication to regulate your emotions, consider that you may be adding more stress to your life by engaging with people whom you cannot see and cannot accurately get to know. If you choose to pursue a romance while taking medication to balance your emotions, what would motivate you to seek relationships in a world where emotional accountability is so low? Think ahead. Online, you will not get to see or be with your lover to try to rekindle a love affair gone bad. Can you withstand that sort of emotional pain right now?

Drugs and Alcohol

Do you drink excessively or use drugs while you are online? If you find a stressful situation online, will you further increase your drug or alcohol consumption?

Time Management

Do you have trouble managing your schedule? Do you repeatedly set limits for yourself regarding time spent on activities, and fail to keep your agreements? Do you find your body aching more than usual? Are you overly tired and less motivated than usual? What will potentially adding more time pressures like Internet use do to your ability to manage your time?

"I can't stop," Mitch told us. "My boss told me if I don't, I'm out of here."

Isolation and Anxiety

Are you finding yourself isolating emotionally, feeling more awkward than usual in social situations, or at a loss about how to calm yourself in the turbulence of everyday life? Do you experience anxiety regularly? Will romance on the Internet increase your anxiety?

"I am alone in both the real world and online." Mary said. "I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am nervous all the time."

Uncontrolled Irritation

Do you find yourself irritable and cranky, taking out your anxiety and frustration on those you love? Do you send angry, attacking, harassing, or demeaning messages online?

These displays often result from people acting from repressed parts of their personalities. Such behavior online parallels freeway rage or telephone harassment. Venting pent-up rage and frustration toward other people is not healthy for you or for them. First, notice how often you get irritated every day. Then, try to evaluate what is happening around you at those times and see if there is a pattern to your irritability. Try to deal with the sources of your frustration more respectfully.

Psychotherapy

If you are receiving care from a psychotherapist, consider whether you are asking for a professional's help on one hand, and adding more stress to yourself on the other by engaging in the unpredictability of virtual romance with a stranger. If the answer is yes, question your motives. Talk to your therapist about it. Also, consider whether you have kept any part of your Internet activities secret from your therapist. If so, why? "I am afraid she'll think I am a nut, looking for pictures and people while I masturbate at a keyboard for hours at a time," Elizabeth explained.

If your own answers to the questions above make you nervous, think twice before going online again. Then, work daily at balancing yourself emotionally and physically. Get the help you need by being honest about your activities. This is the only way a professional can only help you.
As Shakespeare's Polonius said, "To thine own self be true."

Once you have dealt with any personal problems and decide to go online, you should be aware that a virtual relationship is a Tango- it takes two. To avoid getting your feet stepped on, the next few sections deal with dangers that may come from your partner.

*Much gratitude is extended to those who helped clarify, amplify, and edit the material used in this article, Rona Subotnik, MA; Les Posen, Ph.D.; Manny Tau, Ph.D.; Martha Bank, Ph.D.; Rosalie Ackerman, Ph.D.; Thomas Williams, Ph.D.; and Cleo Kiernan.

12/01/01

Dr. Maheu is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco. Infidelity on the Internet is Dr. Maheu's second book and she's currently working her third, tentatively titled "The Mental Health Professional Online: New Questions and Answers." For more information about her speaking schedule, see this page: http://telehealth.net/speak.html