If you are looking for love, the reality of scheduling an offline encounter could bring your relationship to its knees, particularly if your virtual lover is in a committed relationship offline. If your lover is unattached and you hit it off, an offline meeting can allow you to explore new heights. How can you do it safely? To be responsible, take heed of the following suggestions as you plan your face-to-face meeting.

Honest Self-Disclosure

Telling the truth about yourself will prevent disappointment. Tony, a twenty-four-year-old race car mechanic, realized only on the day of his face-to-face meeting with Bonnie, that his dishonesty was getting their relationship off to a bad start.

He reported, "We were talking on the cell phone and as I was driving up to the restaurant, and she said, 'Oh, is that your silver Chevy?' and I could see her waiting on a bench in front of the restaurant. I was anxious because I had lied about my appearance. She was holding a green book, as she had promised. I eagerly parked my car. She stepped forward, but hesitantly. I could see the disappointment in her eye, but she hugged me anyway. I was embarrassed."

Jennifer, a thirty six-year-old dentist, prevented a surprise and perhaps a disaster by inquiring about some very important areas before meeting Stacy.

"The weekend before our meeting, I told Stacy I didn't want any last-minute surprises. I made a list of all the important questions I could think of, and had her respond to each one.

"Stacy's responses took longer than usual, so I began to be suspicious. I had listed everything Stacy had told me in the previous months; her age, occupation, employer, schooling, hobbies, likes and dislikes, history of relationships and health history. I went into even more detail than I had been planning to make sure nothing contradicted. All those things checked out. I told Stacy I was planning to call her employer and check with the registrar at the university from which she said she had graduated. "Then I asked a few other questions that were particularly important, but had not yet been discussed. I asked point blank if she had ever been in trouble with the law, if she had any children, or if she had lied at all about her appearance. Stacy's response took a very long time. She apologized for not yet telling me, and said she would have preferred to tell me in person, but that yes, she had a son with man she had never married (or mentioned), was not as thin as she had led me to believe, and had been arrested for drunk driving six months before. Tears came to my eyes as I read the answer. We had discussed how important honesty was in a relationship many times, and this last minute confession destroyed the trust that we had developed. I canceled the meeting, I could not chance uncovering any other disturbing secrets."

Stacy misrepresented herself. Being yourself is the best way to have someone know you. Suggesting one of your favorite activities is a way to be yourself. See if it appeals to both of you.

The most important thing is to be who you really are. Peggy recalled, "We were chatting online and I had to leave because I was going bowling with friends, and asked him to meet me there. I just pulled my hair up into a ponytail and threw on my jeans. I wasn't going to spend any extra time getting ready. I had plans and I was going to be on time. He also had plans for that night, and didn't know if he would be able to show. He sort of showed up near the end of the evening and played a few games with us. We had a blast. I wasn't instantly attracted, but he was really fun and interesting. We'll be married in March."

Be Selective

Know what you want. If you want to meet a life-partner, only meet face-to-face with someone who shares your interests, goals, and life plan.

Creative Searching

If you are planning an offline meeting, this is the time to seriously gather facts by doing some creative searching of your own. Remember that both criminals and well-intentioned people use the Internet. Verify information you have received. On the extreme end, some people run credit checks or police reports on prospective mates, and often get more information than they care to know. They call or have someone visit the city clerk's office in the city and learn about birth, tax, and marriage records. With a street address, they can learn about utility usage, newspaper deliveries, and much more. With the name of an airline and travel dates, reservations can be verified. If you have been told the name of an employer, you can easily look for a website produced by that employer. Call to verify employment. If you know about his or her education, you can call the school for confirmation of years of attendance as well as graduation.

Tell

Should you tell your virtual lover you are verifying information before an offline meeting? Absolutely! Sneaking around will not be to your benefit. Let your new interest know that you have been honest and sincere, and want the same in return. If he or she cancels the meeting, you have rooted out a rat and probably saved yourself yet more heartache.

Get Photos

Augment your background search by asking for multiple photographs, taken over time. People can and have used other people's pictures when they want to be deceptive. If someone claims they do not have pictures, ask them to have some taken. Then a few weeks later, ask for more pictures. Do not be afraid to insist on this. Be realistic-most people have many pictures of themselves and their loved ones.

Ask Friends

Your biggest resources are your online friends. Find out if they know him or her, or if they could ask around for you. People very often have met someone in another chat room. Do not underestimate how easily someone can get around on the Internet. Ask them directly about other friends they have online, and if you can contact them to learn more. Remember, this is serious business.

Plan, Plan, Plan

Schedule a public activity that would be fun and interesting. If possible, bring along friends. Whether or not you do so, plan in advance what you're going to do for your entire time together-do not leave it up to chance, impulse, or the other person. Bring your own cell phone.

Make an Agreement

Get a firm agreement to this plan before meeting. If you are pressured into changing the plan upon meeting, that is your cue to find a good reason and leave!

Be Prepared to Ask Direct Questions

Bring a list of questions you want answered eye-to-eye. Circle back around to those questions as much as you reasonably can, and pay attention to all responses, verbal and non-verbal. Take mental note of topics that get odd non-verbal responses, such as flinches, shifty eye contact, and uncomfortable hesitation. Ask about these nonverbal behaviors directly.

Sheila explained how she did this, "I met Eric as we had planned. He was open about everything, until we started talking about his job. He was fidgeting, and I asked him what made him so nervous. He looked away and said he wasn't nervous. I calmly said he was obviously having trouble sitting still in his seat, and he couldn't look me in the eye. He turned and stared at me hard, then pushed back his chair. As he stormed off, I knew I had picked a loser. I was glad I flushed him out so early, but the ride back home was still a long one."

Be sure you cover all five basic spheres of life-health, work, education, family (including family of origin), and friends. Then ask about religion, politics, values, goals, jobs, children, or whatever else is important to you.

Be in Charge

Remain in charge of your body at all times. If traveling from afar, get your own hotel room. Meet in a public place the first time. Do not let yourself be caressed if you do not want to be, even if you have had cyber-sex many times. Bring a personal protection device, such as pepper spray, a taser, or even a whistle.

Have Transportation

Have your own transportation. Do not agree to get into the person's car. If you do, check to make sure there is a door handle on your side of the car. Test it to make sure it works. The best idea is to not get into the car in the first place. If you meet in a city without your own transportation, know the bus routes or where you can get a cab from where you plan to be, in case you want to leave at any point. Remember that you can leave at any time, for any reason. Trust your intuition. If you are frightened or uncomfortable, excuse yourself and go.

Do Not Use Drugs or Alcohol

At least for the first date, keep yourself grounded in reality. You will need all your instincts-do not dull them with intoxicants. Sexual assaults occur quickly, and at an alarming rate.

The Predators on the Internet website reported that in the Unites States seventy-eight women are sexually assaulted every hour. Furthermore, over 45 percent of these assaults occurred while the perpetrator was under the influence of alcohol, according to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. When you make plans to meet your virtual lover offline, it should be clearly agreed that alcohol will not be used by either person during the first meeting.

Give Details to Friends

When informing your friends of your meeting, give them all the details of your first meeting, including date, location, and time. Give them full details of your virtual lover's identity, full name, physical description, picture, User ID number, phone numbers, fax, employer, address, and any other personal information you may have obtained. Arrange to call them a few times during the date so that they know how things are going. Plan what they should do if you do not call by the agreed upon time.

Emma, a thirty-seven-year-old social worker, used this strategy in reverse. She told us how she arranged to have a friend call her, "I prepared for the meeting by telling a good friend of the plan, and carrying a cell phone. I had asked my friend to call me at a specific time to check that I was O.K. The phone rang, and I immediately answered with great relief. I hung up and said, 'I've been called into work.'"

Do Not Get Carried Away

At this point, your relationship is partially offline. Although you may want to become sexual immediately, be sensible and plan something that will force you to go somewhere public to talk. That way, if you meet someone and don't feel comfortable, you can leave more easily.

Recognize if pressure is being put on you to have sex, and if there is, tell the person to stop pushing you beyond your initial agreement. Remember, when you are off the Internet, you are in the real world. People can be deceptive and sex can blind you to reality.

If you do feel the need to have sex, protection is critically important. Condoms and dental dams can break, but they are still the best protection against sexually transmitted diseases. Be smart. This is your life.

Set a Time Limit

Set a limit for the time you will spend together at your first meeting, but keep plans casual so you can leave sooner if you are uncomfortable. If this limit is disregarded, take note. You may be with a boundary crasher, that is, someone who disregards your boundaries.

People who push you for more at the beginning of a relationship are likely to only get worse over time. If you say you are leaving at a specific time, make sure you stick to it. You will respect yourself more, and so will they. If they use sex to keep you around, have the courage to say no, make waves, and watch their next move. If they do not back off, keep your clothes on and run.

The light of love can be a blinding experience. All too often people simply close their eyes. Hopefully, this booklet has opened your eyes to the pitfalls of cyber-romances, explained how to avoid them, and taught you how to protect yourself.

*Much gratitude is extended to those who helped clarify, amplify, and edit the material used in this article, Rona Subotnik, MA; Les Posen, Ph.D.; Manny Tau, Ph.D.; Martha Bank, Ph.D.; Rosalie Ackerman, Ph.D.; Thomas Williams, Ph.D.; and Cleo Kiernan.

References
Predators on the Internet. (2001, February). Retrieved February 2, 2001 from the World Wide Web
http://www.rape101.com/predators_on_the_internet.htm

12/01/01