Therapy is going smoothly. All of a sudden, your therapist makes a mistake. You've been referring to your ex as "Biker Dan" for months; she accidentally calls him "Surfer John." She forgets about the high school reunion phobia you've told her about at least three times. Maybe she forgets an appointment or accidentally schedules two people at once. This can be a rude awakening and a real disappointment. What do you do when your therapist lets you down? How can you get over your feelings? Should you give your therapist the benefit of the doubt or move on?

It depends. Everyone wants a perfect therapist. Showing someone the x-ray of our soul is brave work. No one wants to entrust that sacred stuff to a mere mortal who is just as likely to screw up in the everyday goings on of life as you are.

Perfect therapist fantasies aside, mistakes will happen. Whether a mistake turns into a trust-buster, a minor stumbling block, or even a story with a happy ending depends upon what happens next. For example, a former client once told me about a therapist who periodically fell asleep during the therapy session. When she finally got up the courage to talk to him about it, he said that she was boring and implied that his reaction was typical of how other people responded to her. I don't buy it. A therapist who attributes his mid-session snoozing to your lack of stimulating conversation is a therapist who needs some reality therapy of his own.

At the very least, the snoozing therapist should have apologized to his client the first time it happened and offered her some explanation. His explanation should be attributed to his own behavior, not passing the blame onto her. If the therapist had explained that he had been up all night with a newborn or had a bad bout with food poisoning the previous evening, we might not like the fact that these problems crept into our therapy session. We would, however understand it. We also wouldn't take it personally.

On the other hand, a therapist who takes responsibility for his or her mistake, apologizes, willingly listens to your feelings about it, and works hard to avoid similar mistakes in the future can turn a human error into a therapeutic moment. I remember a friend, Jean, telling me about a serious blunder her therapist made. Jean had recently separated from her husband, who had refused her pleas for marital counseling. Her husband, suddenly seeing the error in his ways, called Jean's therapist and scheduled an appointment. The therapist, assuming that his client had given permission and without checking this out with Jean, saw him.

The husband left the office and immediately called Jean to tell her. Understandably, and rightfully so, she felt betrayed that her therapist would see her husband "behind her back," especially in light of the fact that her family was colluding daily to find a way to get them back together. She went into the session expecting her therapist to act the way many people in her life had, by somehow putting the blame on her and negating her feelings.

Instead, when she confronted her therapist, the therapist was mortified. She readily acknowledged her mistake, listened with compassion to my friend's feelings, and respected her wishes that the therapist not see her estranged husband again. Seven years, later, my friend still recalls this potential breach of trust as one of the most healing moments in their work together because of the way the therapist handled it.

You deserve, and should expect, your therapist to listen to your feelings when she has made a mistake. You should also expect him or her to take responsibility for it and to work hard to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Of course, there are mistakes and there is abuse. It is not a mistake if your therapist makes a pass at you. This is abuse and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. There is no good excuse or reason for it.

It is not a misunderstanding if your therapist repeatedly tells you intimate details of other patients' lives or betrays your trust by disclosing personal information to your spouse who calls up to see how you are doing. These are indicators that your therapist may not be trustworthy. When in doubt, trust your instincts.

Most therapists make very human, if annoying, mistakes. If they are a rarity, and if your therapist handles them appropriately, then they should not jeopardize your relationship.

In fact, as therapists, the rare mistake offers us the chance to be a role model. And, as clients, they allow us to see that we too can be imperfect, that mistakes do happen and that they don't have to be catastrophic. Even Nietzsche recognized the inevitability of error and was able to put it into perspective. "It says nothing against the ripeness of the spirit that it has a few worms."

5/28/98