Over 25 years ago, Dr. George Bach wrote books with the provocative titles of The Intimate Enemy and Creative Aggression. Dr. Bach's basic points were that fighting is a normal even healthy part of loving relationships but that most couples needed to learn how to fight in ways that resolved problems and did not perpetuate them. More recently, Dr. John Gottman has argued with research that successful marriages are not fight-free but that instead the positive interactions outnumber the negative ones. He too points out that successful couples evolve a style of fighting that works for them both.

In the spirit of Bach and Gottman, then, I would like to offer the following guidelines for fair fighting. See if you and your loved one can live within these guidelines for a while. Your loving just might benefit from some fair fights. And remember -- anger is just a feeling.

Rules For Fair Fighting

1. No violence or aggressive threats.
2. No name-calling, to include "You are __" statements (e.g., "You are stupid", "You are crazy")
3. No invoking of the past. Stay focused on the issue at hand.
4. Stay on topic. Many couples have what I call a "boxcar" argument where they start off on one issue then keep adding boxcars to the train so that finally they cannot remember where the train started.
5. No fighting after 10PM.
6. No fighting when either person has been using alcohol.
7. Use "time-outs" honestly to defuse escalations. When one person fears loss of control. Call time-out. The argument stops there. But the person calling time-out also commits to calling time in after at least 30 minutes.
8. No blaming. Determining fault usually doesn't change anything.
9. Acknowledge when feeling defensive.
10. If you know you are wrong, promptly admit it. Amazing how many couples have trouble with this seemingly obvious rule.
11. When the argument ends, each person states the solution as understood.
12. Check for leftover feelings and resentments when the fight is over.

And remember, there are no winners, no right-and-wrong. Only mutually acceptable solutions.

02/09/00