3 STEPS TO TRUE HAPPINESS
Norm Ephraim, Ed.D.
Let’s face it. We all want to be happy. We all realize, sooner or
later, that outer success does not produce lasting happiness. So what
does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love
others authentically when we love ourselves. So why is it that some
people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives
searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it?
While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences
in childhood. What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the
esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of
touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child
comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see
themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved. These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity.
When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this
mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the
feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability. Since, to a child, a parent
is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings)
is experienced as justified. "If mommy or daddy treats me this
way, it must be my fault."
A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies
to get love or prevent abandonment. A common "protective strategy" is
perfectionism. "If I'm perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me." The
search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the
perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or
"high." But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace
self love.
Is there hope for those who didn't get enough love in childhood? The
answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes
effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.
Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries
within our mind an "inner parent," a voice which talks to us much as our
parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will
be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be
self critical much of the time. Some of this self criticism will be a
simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes
themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies
both the source of much of our distress -- and the seed of our renewal.
Once we realize that people with high self-esteem talk lovingly to
themselves -- especially when under stress, and those with low self-esteem
are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal
becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves. There are 3 basic steps to
changing our self talk to increase happiness.
Step One: Awareness
It’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times.
If we're having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive
thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.
Contrast this with times we're under stress or after experiencing some
disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite
"busy." In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general
static, we are often re-experiencing a "child state of mind." In
essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to
experience younger feelings. Once we can recognize how we've gone from
feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing
gift. We can feel compassion.
Step Two: Compassion
When ever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at
times), we each "go home" to specific inner experiences of support, abuse,
or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to
generate self love and self care at such times, or not. But wherever
happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that
it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner
parental support, we become more empathic. We can feel love for ourselves
and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better
care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action.
Step Three: Authentic Adult Action
In a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk
includes either anxious statements like "I'll never be good enough," " I
can't do it," "If only," or self critical ones "snap out of it," "grow up,"
or "stop making a mountain out of a molehill." Once we recognize that
we're in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood
experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult
actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more
expansive and adult sense of ourselves.
Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care. Sometimes
this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of
earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking
better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or
calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a
"positive self parent."
Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of
negative self talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we're
in a child state of mind. For instance,whenever we're having catastrophic
"what if" thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we
recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full
adult. This can give us compassion -- and, often, a humorous perspective.
The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action.
08/28/98
Norm Ephraim, EdD., is a licensed psychologist
in Boston, Mass. specializing in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He
is the author of Mood Shifting: Understanding and Transforming Your Negative
Moods.
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