I don't know if there is a single one of us who has not contemplated suicide at some time in her life. Some of us consider it as teen-agers when we feel alone, unloved, not understood. Some of us consider it as adults, for the same reasons. I did long ago, after several failed affairs, or whatever you wish to call them....I despaired of ever finding happiness with anyone, having had my love and trust betrayed interminably, starting with my parents.

The fortunate part was having good psychotherapists or psychiatrists available. Yes, therapy. I've done some therapy in my time. Not lately, got myself together, but it took a while. A lesbian psychotherapist who I respect and admire professionally, helped me a great deal. I guess what I'm saying here is that while talking back and forth with friends helps, often when we're depressed enough to contemplate self-destruction, we need professional help as well. Sometimes we may need a change in diet, activities, even herbs, remedies, medications to help get us through that dark tunnel to the light on the other side, however dim and distant that may seem at times.

Local gay and lesbian resource centers may give referrals to therapists. Many work on a sliding fee scale; you pay what you can afford. Lack of funds does not mean being cut off from help. While many therapists are not gifted or even worth seeing, others are just great. Talk to some on the phone, explain the problem, see what their response is. Mention sexual orientation, it's important to see someone who accepts who you are, as you are.

While it may seem simplistic, there are several things that contribute to depression: caffeine, processed sugar, processed foods; lack of adequate physical exercise. Lack of exposure to natural sunlight is depressing to many, particularly when winter is still with us. Some prescription and non-prescription drugs contribute to or actually cause depression!

When we perceive ourselves as "strong women," not needing nurturing and support from others; unable or unwilling to ask for help or acknowledge our inner pain, we make things worse. The turning point for me was when I reached out to friends and said: "I need help. I am in pain." You learn who your friends are by who responds to this and hears you. A woman I'd recently met came and spent days with me. She wasn't a lesbian, that wasn't what I needed. I needed a friend who would spend time with me, listen to me, talk with me, from the heart. She was that friend...and shared with me many things about her life as well.

From that depth of despair, I rose. Not so quickly that I'd get the bends, but gradually, questioning things every inch of the way, accepting every bit of help offered gratefully. I know I'm not alone because I've learned to reach out to others. I had to take a chance, go against everything in my life up to that point which said "Don't let them see you cry, don't let them see they've hurt you...."

The friend who came and got me through that dark time of the soul was an ordained minister, and a healer. I accepted ordination and a life of service the same year. I live a life of service, as do most of my friends. I like people who are of service to others, in love, light, peace, friendship. There are many different ways for giving of oneself. Sometimes when we think we have nothing to give, we are able to give anyway.

I cannot change any other person on this planet. I can only change who and what I am and how I perceive and interact with life and the world. I needed help to change. Those who think they can do it all themselves without help, I believe are like lawyers who have themselves for clients; or brain surgeons who decide to perform surgery on themselves.

We need each and every one of us. We need to be there for one another....women loving women....who have been through as Carl Sandburg wrote: "Lay me on an anvil, oh God, beat me and hammer me into an ingot..." I think it was Prayers of Steel. We get pounded, yes, so does steel. Sometimes the greatest strength is to be able to become flexible, bend, change, evolve....to the point that we not only know who and what we are, what we are becoming, but can like and love ourselves for these very things.

Hope this helps someone. I hate being called a preacher just because I'm a Rev., and didn't mean to preach. I've been there, done that, may some day be there again....and when that time comes, I pray to Goddess that you're there, you who are thinking of ending it all, to take me in your arms, lead me by the hand, and help get me through again, into the light.

I love you all, unconditionally, non-judgmentally, and pray that you learn to, or already have learned how to love and accept yourself, just as you are...and work from there onward and upward, to the top of that proverbial barrel, and beyond.

5/28/98