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WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

by Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D.

In recent years, researchers have been busy proving scientifically what we've all known -- that friends are good for us. A Maryland study quoted in the August 2007 issue of the popular magazine Better Homes and Gardens found that people with ten or more friends suffered half the disabilities or health problems experienced by those with only two friends. Clearly, the more the merrier!

Another study referred to in the same article addressed frequency of interactions with friends. Women who saw their friends at least five times monthly had longer life expectancies over this follow up study period of nine years than those women who saw their friends less often. Other studies in recent years have added to the certainty that vibrant, healthy friendships are associated with personal health- physical, mental, and emotional.

The only negative impact I've seen lately in the literature is a study that reveals a surprising tendency for us to gain weight when our friends do, even if we're at a distance from one another, and see each other infrequently. That's good motivation to be certain we're influencing each other only in healthy ways!

In my Tree of Life model, where parts of the tree stand for significant aspects of life, friendships are the strong lateral roots, giving stability and nourishment, effective support, whether in calm or turbulent times. We don't usually label our experience of friendship as providing stability and nourishment, however. If we think of its contribution to our lives at all, we're likely to focus on the comfort factor. Is there anything more comfortable than the company of friends?

In my experience, though, there's often more happening than just getting comfortable. Friendship may be the exception to the rule that comfort and growth don't usually go together, for in the safety of a friend's acceptance, we can afford to test our wings, and our limits, a bit. That warm, gloriously comfortable cushion of acceptance is often a platform for challenge, if only just enough challenge to force us to face the truth.

Who else but a trusted friend can look smilingly at you and hold that look, while also raising a skeptical eyebrow? My friends, and probably yours as well, have all mastered that skeptical look, and even the outright laughter that says "I see through you!" They have developed any number of techniques for drawing my hypocrisy out for further examination, but the pain of this intense examination is blunted by that comfortable cushion of acceptance and value, the gift good friends give one another.

This deep comfort not only allows self-examination, challenge, and correction, but also provides a safe place for experimenting with new thoughts, behaviors, even identities. It's secure because everyone involved knows the friendship will survive the experiment. Challenge and encouragement join comfort to help bring about growth. Friends bring new ideas, new activities and interests to try, and cheer us on as we take the risk, waiting for us at the finish line with a cool drink and a pat on the back, or perhaps a needed band-aid.

Most friendships, at whatever age of for whatever length of time they come into our lives, contain these ingredients of challenge and encouragement, and above all, comfort. And yet they differ in purpose, depth, duration, and other characteristics. There are lifelong commitments, those we've know since childhood, who cross our paths every now and again. With them, we pick up the conversation as though it was only yesterday we were last talking.

There are people we meet as we learn a skill, take a trip, live through a harrowing experience, fellow-travelers on a portion of our life path. This association may be specific to an interest or an activity, but might be very significant in our lives despite its brevity. The bonding that takes place among soldiers in the field illustrates the potential depth of the fellow-traveler friendship.

The third type of friendship is given by special-needs friends, those who show up to provide service, guidance, and hope in a time of trial. Then the need diminishes, and the friend will likely move on. We are left a bit puzzled by the intensity of the relationship, but nonetheless very grateful for its part in our life. We are moved to "pass it on", to provide the support of a need-based friendship to someone who needs it as much as we had sought that elemental comfort in a difficult time.

As you consider these three primary types of friendships in your life, think also about the role you play as friend in the lives of others. The old wisdom is that "it is in giving that we receive". Nowhere is that as true as in the special and challenging world of friendship, where we accept, share, and exchange the life support activities of comfort, encouragement, and challenge.

Workbook Questions:

Adapted from: Friends, in Trapp, L.A. (2008). Intentional Living; Lessons from the Tree of Life.  BookSurge. (pp. 196-203).

References:

About the Author:

Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp writes from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. A former Dean at the California School of Professional Psychology, Certified Speaking Professional, and owner of the consulting firm Abbott & Associates, she's an internationally known speaker who has authored seven books and more than 250 articles, columns, and reviews. Her recent books can be previewed at: www.abbottpub.com.

04/30/08

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