CYBER-AFFAIRS SURVEY:
LATER RESULTS OPPOSED TO CYBERSEX
by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
In line with our previous article on the Cybersex Survey, Cybersex
- Early Survey Answers these are more responses we've recently compiled.
They are summarized here by those in Favor of and
those opposed to Cybersex for your convenience. Please let us know your
thoughts about the survey.
Female
One of the disadvantages, that my boyfriend and I both agree on, is that the
cybersex is very much readily available online, and we have already agreed
that if or when we get married, we will not have any online services except
maybe an internet provider.
Female
I would have thought that this would improve my relations with my husband,
but this is not so at all. The only one I want to be with sexually is my
e-mail lover.
Female
I was hurt severely by a "relationship I started with a man halfway across
the nation. He died about a year after I got to know him, but I never met
him. And, it turns out he lied about who he was. I loved him, but I don't
even know who he was. It's been very confusing! That was more than a
year ago, and it still hurts. The worst part is that he lied to me, which
was easy to do over the computer and the phone.
Female
They are destructive to marital relationships. I left a 17- year marriage
after having a cyberaffair that turned physical. Then, I proceeded to move
into another relationship based on an Internet meeting which also, after
living together for 1 yr., turned out to be abusive and full of problems.
Still not having learned my lesson, I married someone I'd met on the
Internet and only known for 2 weeks. While the relationship is workable and a
learning experience, it has still revealed that the person I thought I was
marrying was not the "real" person. It is TOO easy to misrepresent oneself
on the Internet & be whatever the other person wants. One initial encounter
has ruined my previous marriage and sent me to hell and back in the last 3
years. Even just casual chatting on the Internet causes problems between my
current spouse and I. There is no explaining a different gender cyber
friendship!! I would warn everyone to stay away from this avenue of expression.
It is TOO easy to misrepresent oneself on the Internet and be whatever the
other person wants.
Male
I didn't exactly have an affair, I was single at the time. I had been
interacting via e-mail with a woman. Nothing very sexually explicit. We had
business in the same state one week last year so we agreed to meet. I
expected the worst and I wasn't let down either. The person was very
overweight and not very attractive. I was polite and never lead her on but
needless to say, she had the expectation of something more. She had not
misrepresented herself but she was somewhat nonspecific and elusive on the
net reguarding her physical appearence. My point is that I feel this
cyber-sex thing is real pandora's box. I was able to disengage myself
cleanly from my first and last experience.
Male
It is too easy to compare your cyperspace person who seems perfect to an
imperfect relationship that you would have face to face. For example, you
never can really tell if a cyperspace person has a bad temper or is
annoying. All you
see is type and not the personal emotions attached. I feel it may make a
person compare relationships even when they are not even close to being
comparable.
Male
Cybersex is a major threat to the primary relationship. It can serve only to
weaken the real relationship.
Female
Engaging in alternative types of sex, like CyberSex, only continues to wear
away at the foundation of marriage and families today.
Male
People are people, and just because you don't meet this person you are
having an affair with face to face, does not mean that an emotional
investment will not occur. Actually an emotional investment is more likely
to occur because the only way you interact with your lover is through that
fantasy filter through which you see your lover though. A filter you will
never see the warts your lover may have.
Male
Cybersex can be easy or hard, fast or slow, long-term or short-term, but it
can never be real... there's no touching to convey love, no kissing to
convey emotion, no hugging to show one really cares.
Female
I think cybersex also contributes mightily to other avoidance behaviors,
i.e. avoidance of real relationship issues. From that perspective,
cybersex is not "safe." Cybersex has been in our "face" in our marriage
for the last four months. Compounded by the lying and cover ups it
entailed, the fabric of trust was torn. It hurt me tremendously; it numbed
him, distorted his focus and his deep involvement with it was the first true
threat to our marriage in nine years.
Male
There might be a dangerous temptation to treat cybersex as a game -- as if
you were interacting with a piece of artificial intelligence software. These
are early days, and a close eye should be kept on any emerging patterns and
psychological problems associated with cybersex.
Female
This is a serious threat to marriages, it has affected mine tremendously. I
had no idea of what I was getting into and had no idea of the damage,
especially since I never even had a desire to look at another person during
my marriage of 18 years. It's addictive, I neglected my family. My husband
wants to hear nothing about the good of internet, all is bad to him, it has
affected his sleep, but I have stopped "chatting." As a matter of fact you
are the first email I have done since November1995, and it is without my
husband's consent or knowledge I write, it's just so important to get out
the word of the damage that can be done.
Female
If such activity is to find a relationship, I would guess that the
individual is rather timid and lacking in confidence because they are opting
for the distance and safety of cyberspace as opposed to "the real thing," up
close, and personal. Again, my opinion, I think such games are somewhat
dangerous because both the real rewards and the real consequences of a
behavior are avoided. A false sense of security, as it were. To truly learn,
grow, and "live" isn't it required that some part of our "real" self be
involved? I hate to think that we've become such pansies as a species that
all of the activities that should make us delight in being alive (adventure,
human contact, sex, etc.) are being sought in the
emotional void of cyberspace in place of venturing out into the much more
threatening, if more rewarding space of the real world.
Female
It is safe in terms of STD avoidance. But I think cybersex also contributes
mightily to other avoidance behaviors. i.e. avoidance of real relationship
issues and from that perspective, cybersex is not "safe." I call it a mask,
a great mask -- for masking everything, for disallowing responsibility, for
disavowing values. It's all so "easy" to be self-indulgent; it looks like
no consquences, but believe me, the real life consequences are as painful as
any real life affair or infidelity can be.
Let us know what you think!
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