If you are the grandparent of a child on the autistic spectrum, you know how much this condition affects the entire family’s life. Holiday get-togethers, especially, can become unhappy times when the level of noise and activity in the house gets high. Autistic children generally do not enjoy too much excitement.

Meltdowns are common to all young children when they are tired or hungry or otherwise overwhelmed. Your autistic grandchildren are no different, but their distress tends to have more drastic consequences. 

For one thing, their parents take it hard. They don’t like to see their children so upset. They don’t like the idea that other people think their children are simply behaving very badly. They may feel they have to leave the party or at the very least retreat to a quiet part of the house, and miss a lot of the fun. The worst is that they may feel self-conscious and even incompetent as parents. 

You have the opportunity to make a big difference at those times. With a little forethought and planning, you can create an atmosphere during the holidays that will allow your autistic grandchildren to be present without experiencing undue stress. Their parents—your children—will bless you for being a true angel.

How can you do this?

 Start by having an open discussion with your children about the holidays. What are they looking forward to with trepidation? What will help them and their child feel relaxed when everyone gets together?  What would they like from you?

Our grandchild lives far away from us, so coming for the holidays involves air travel, with its attendant stresses (think about airplane bathrooms for a child who is very sensitive to sound). He needs downtime after he arrives, to get over a long trip and get used to an unfamiliar house and bed.

While he likes being with his equally young cousins, they can overwhelm him with their screaming, whether in play or anger. Then he needs a quiet room to himself for a while, with some adult companionship. We try to be careful with the timing and pacing of outside visitors. And of course our spending precious time with him, while giving his parents some time to themselves, is always appreciated.

The Autism Society of America recently sent out some excellent tips on how to make family holidays happier for your autistic grandchildren and everyone else. Here are some ideas that we found especially helpful.

1. Create transitions: help your grandchildren cope with larger numbers of people by talking to them beforehand about who will be coming to visit.

2. Take them to a quiet place to play or outside for a walk to help them calm down when there is too much activity.

3. Plan ahead. Ask family members to spend one-on-one time with them during the visit to give the parents the chance to be with company.

4. If the children are old enough, give them appropriate tasks (such as handing out napkins) so they can help too. Everybody likes to feel needed and useful.

 Autism in the family is a challenge. The learning curve is steep. Making family holidays into events that everybody can enjoy isn’t easy, even when autism is not an issue. But the rewards of doing so are great. There is nothing more exciting than watching an autistic child smile and want to imitate a cousin who is climbing onto some dad’s lap. Then you know the child is truly having a good time too.

If you make an ongoing commitment to self-education through talking honestly with your children and learning as much as you can about autism from other sources, you will contribute immensely to your family’s well-being during--and well beyond--the holidays. 

Resources: For current scientific research and practical ideas, consult the websites of the Autism Society of America  and Autism Speaks 

Dr. Stanley Greenspan’s books, Engaging Autism (DaCapo Press,2006) and The Child with Special Needs (DaCapo Press,1998) offer information on ways to help your grandchildren through play.

Lynne Berrett is a psychotherapist and life coach. She writes blogs for women over fifty and for writers. She is on the leadership team of the MentorCoach Alliance for Positive Psychology. She can be reached at 914-666-0912, Westchester County, New York.

12/10/07