SelfhelpMagazine

by Al Cooper, Ph.D. and Coralie Scherer, Ph.D.

I wonder how much communication you and your partner have had about this question. Have you been very clear and specific about how you would like to use the whips, chains and harnesses?

If not, I suggest you tell your partner exactly what you hope to do with those items. If your partner still refuses, you might consider what it is you find exciting or interesting about whips, chains and harnesses, and whether there are other ways to get that excitement that might be more acceptable to your partner.

That process is easy to suggest, but difficult to implement. Try sitting down with pen and paper, make three columns on the paper.

• In the first, list each activity you want to enjoy.
• In the middle column, describe what, exactly, about that activity is the most exciting.

  In the third column, write what else in your life, what reminds you of, that same kind of excitement, more or less.

• It's ok to go back in history and try to remember previous experiences you've had that first got you interested in each specific activity.

  As your partner to be ask honest about their most exciting activities. You may find that you have something, somewhere on your papers, in common.

• If you do have something in common, then start with that activity and see what continued thought , honest, forthright discussion and exploration will take you.

Otherwise, you'll be faced with either:

1.  giving up on playing with whips and chains or
2. with finding other sexual partner(s).

That's because all people should be free to say no to sexual activities that scare them. I hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

About the Author:

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.