SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Here's the way I am hearing your situation. You are in the prime of your life and enjoy being found attractive by men. Much of your self-esteem and general good feeling about yourself derives from having male attention.

Your husband, being an insecure man, treats you as a possession. Rather than appreciating your vitality and beauty, he feels threatened. He tries to deal with his insecurity by undermining your self-esteem by calling you names.

In order to keep the peace, you have curtailed your activities. Rather than joining you in Western dancing where he could have shown you off, he derides you. You capitulated to his infantile behavior.

Apparently 17 years ago you decided to separate, but something brought you back together. Now, rather than questioning why you are putting up with his behavior, you are questioning what you can do to make him feel secure.

An Unhappy Marriage Is Made Up Of Two People

It seems to me that rather concerning yourself with trying to fix him, you might consider examining your own behavior. Why do you continue to give in to his demands? Why do you put up with someone who calls you a "whore?"

Why do you allow someone's tantrums to control you? Why do you tolerate being in a relationship with someone who is so distrustful and suspicious? What does this say about you? Perhaps his style of undermining your self-esteem is working and you are losing your self-confidence making it difficult for you to stand up to him.

Many women in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, find that over time they lose their self-respect and feel trapped with possessive, jealous men. They either feel intimidated or feel too insecure to make it in the world on their own. So, their focus become on fixing their husband through capitulation until they are filled with self-loathing and resentment.

I would be less concerned with how you can fix him and more concerned with taking care of yourself. Capitulation certainly will not make things better between you. It will only increase his demands and your resentment.

Perhaps you could say to him that while you are not going to give in to his insecurities, you are willing to seek professional marital counseling with him. Perhaps with professional help you both might be able to get a better handle on how you can be more supportive and encouraging of one another, rather than remaining in an unhappy marriage where you are constantly at odds with each other.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.