SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

There are clearly two parts to this question; the first is about you and the second is about him. You stated that you've been engaged to someone who does not trust you and who has a track record of ending relationships because he believes that the women are all cheating on him.

I wonder why you are in a relationship with someone who does not trust you and has such a bad track record. Despite his suspicious nature and the track record, apparently there is enough in the relationship to warrant your continuing to be engaged.

Is there something about having him think that other men are interested in you that appeals to you? Do you enjoy parts of his jealousy and/or possessiveness? Are you flirtatious thereby giving him something to stimulate his distrust?

Sometimes we are not even aware of how we feed a lover's insecurity. While you may not like the distrust, you may secretly enjoy seeing him jealous.

The second part of your question has to do with his "paranoia." There is an old adage among psychologists that states that there is a kernel of truth in every paranoid system.

Distrust and Paranoia versus Trust in Relationships

Paranoia is a heightened state of vigilance. It ranges from suspiciousness to beliefs that the world is conspiring against them. It manifests itself in distrust, jealousy, and possessiveness.

These folks pick up on subtleties in their environment and magnify them. They often have been mistreated early in life and tend to distrust people.

For these individuals, relationships and life itself is scary. They are insecure and need to protect themselves in order to survive. They scan their environment for any sign of threat, often experiencing threat when there is none.

Individuals who distrust others frequently have early childhood issues in regard to their relationship to their parents who let them down in someway. They often felt that no one was available to protect them; hence they had to protect themselves from real and imagined threat.

Developing a relationship with such individuals is difficult. Intimacy leaves themselves too vulnerable to hurt and potential damage. Hence, they tend to remain distant and frighten people off.

Treatment is possible; however, it takes professional psychological help in the form of psychotherapy. He will need professional help to learn how to build trust in relationships.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.