SelfhelpMagazine

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

The ABC Theory

Albert Ellis is a psychologist who believes that our beliefs about things that cause our emotional reaction, or feelings toward things. He calls this the ABC Theory. It means this:

A stands for the ACTIVATING EVENT
B is your BELIEFS about that event
C is the EMOTIONAL CONSEQUENCE or FEELING about the event

Example

What is one of your pet peeves? One of mine used to be tardiness. This example from my childhood helps me understand why tardiness was such a big deal for me as an adult.

When I was growing up my father was always late. One Sunday morning we were getting ready for church and he went to get a paper while we finished getting dressed. When he returned my mother was furious because we would have to go into church after the service had begun. She refused to go in late, so we changed into our play clothes and stayed home. I remember her saying "Mrs. So and So comes in late to church every Sunday. Right in the middle of the service you can see her parading down the aisle, dragging her scrawny husband behind her, disturbing the people who were on time. That is so ill-mannered."

What unspoken messages were projected here? What could be some of the underlying beliefs behind these messages?

A (Being Late)
B (It's better not to go than to go late. That is just ill-mannered)
C (Embarrassment, Guilt, Fear, Anger)

How could those beliefs shape the way I think about things today? How does this effect my day to day life?

I would get angry if people showed up late to meetings I chaired. I would rather risk my life driving too fast than be late for any engagement, I experienced a lot of guilt and became embarrassed if I was late and I was somewhat self conscious to enter a room after a gathering had begun.

How did I change those feelings about being late?

I examined the beliefs and decided that they were not rational. Then, I thought of more rational ways to look at or think about being late, such as maybe someone got caught in traffic, had an emergency or lost track of time, rather than being just plain inconsiderate. I also began to think it is better for me to get as much time in as possible, rather than avoid an event because I am running late. The result is, I am more tolerant of my own occasional tardiness, so I am more tolerant of others when they are tardy. I have discovered that works this for everything I can think of that was once a pet peeve. When I am under a lot of stress I find myself slipping back into those old ways of thinking. However, if I can remember to challenge my thoughts, I can change my feelings about the event. It works every time.

Answer these questions about one of your pet peeves. Think about how this belief influences your life today. Are the beliefs listed in the irrational beliefs list? If so, how can you change those to better serve you as an adult?

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of “Growing up Sane (in uncertain times)”, Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families, and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center