Self-help Articles

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

I applaud you for having the maturity to ask this question in this type of forum! Stopping long enough to write and send in such a question says a lot about you, so I will answer you as honestly and directly as I can.

Teen Dating Advice: Age Matters
Age is certainly something to consider in most relationships, especially when you are young. However, an age difference of a few years does not necessarily imply that a relationship is doomed.

Some people are more mature, thus are more inclined to share similar interests and values with an older partner. Others are late bloomers, and find they relate to people who are younger.

The main issue to consider is often the direction your lives are going at your ages. For example, are one or both or you going to college? If so, will you being leaving the area? Do you like to go to places that restrict admission of people under the age of 18 or 21?

Sneaking Around
If so, you both may be setting yourselves up for undue frustration or sneaking around. Without getting preachy or anything, let me say a few things about sneaking around at age 17. While it may feel adventurous to sneak around, it can seriously hurt you in the long run. Let me explain how by first asking a few questions.

Do your parents or guardians know about your relationship with this guy? If so, do they approve or are you taking risks by sneaking around that may cause problems for one or both of you? If not, are you jeopardizing your relationship with them by being dishonest (if you are lying about who you are with or where you spend your free time)?

Are you keeping up with your school work and other responsibilities? Is he keeping up with his? Do you have similar values with regard to your work responsibilities?

Have either of you dissed your other friends and limited yourself to spending time with each other and nobody else because your other friends disapprove of this relationship?

Depending on how you answer the above questions, you can probably see what I'm getting at: are you setting yourself up to be disappointing yourselves or others who are dear to you in the long run?

It's difficult to make decisions about the "long run" when our attraction is screaming in our ears, but all these factors, the long run factors and the attraction factors need to be considered.

Sex with an Older Man at Age 17?
Here's another important factor to think about: Are you old enough to make a decision about who you are involved with, sexually or otherwise?

In your case at age 17, you probably are of legal age, but you might want to look at some state websites to find out for sure. You'll want to look for laws related to your state's definition of statutory rape and/or the age a youth can consent to sexual relations.

If you have negotiated all of these issues successfully, you may have a good chance of having your relationship work out. I worked with older teens and young adults for many years (I was one many years ago, too).

These issues I've outlined above were usually the key ones those people needed to consider. As long as you are not making lifetime commitments, you may okay.

However, my experience has been that people change so much between the ages of 18 and 25 that they frequently may not have the same interests and values as their friends in a few years, and that's true of both romantic friends as well as just regular friends.

This seems to be particularly true if you go to college, as higher education teaches us to think about things differently and exposes us to many new and alternative ways of thinking and being. For that reason I usually caution against making long-term commitments as a young adult.

As you can imagine, every situation is different and yours may be an exception to the rule, so there are no right or wrong answers to your question.

Best of luck!

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.