SelfhelpMagazine

by Robert H. Lauer, Ph.D. and Jeanette C. Lauer, Ph.D.

Although they are more likely to break up than any other family, stepfamilies can succeed. Here are ten principles for effective stepparenting:

• Be involved, not detached, as a stepparent. Some stepparents try to deal with the daunting task by taking the approach of "I won't interfere with your life." Unfortunately, this approach says to the stepchild: "I don't care that much about what happens to you." Stepchildren may resist involvement, but they will benefit far more and form a better relationship with an involved than a detached stepparent.
• Begin by being a friend to your stepchildren. Let them know that you want to be an involved friend, but that you do not want to displace the natural parent. You will assume some parental responsibilities, but your first and primary relationship with them is one of friendship.
• Let your relationship proceed at the children's pace. Often, the relationship moves beyond friendship to a feeling of family. As you fulfill various parental responsibilities and develop trust in each other, your stepchildren may begin to think of you as part of "my family" and not just as "someone married to my parent." But this has to happen at the children's pace. Be patient and wait for them.
• Plan special times and experiences with your stepchildren. Shared experiences build intimacy. Spend time alone with each stepchild. Do something that the child considers special. For example, a stepmother shared her stepdaughter's passion for movies. They began attending the cinema then stopping for hot chocolate and a discussion of the movie before heading home. It was an experience the girl cherished and one she hadn't had with either of her natural parents.
• Present a united front with your spouse. Children learn how to play one parent against the other. In the stepfamily, children may claim unfairness or insensitivity on the part of the stepparent. The biological parent may be tempted to side with the children. No matter how much you disagree and have to thrash parenting matters out in private, you and your spouse must present a united front to the children. This will minimize playing one of you against the other. It will make you more creative and effective because you will be working as a team.
• Give your stepchildren the gift of limits. Children need limits for healthy development. If they don't learn in the home that there are limits on their behavior, they'll have a harder time functioning in the outside world. If they resist limits -- and they will -- it will be easier for you to deal with it if you remind yourself that children do the same thing with their biological parents.
• Use clear and explicit rules to establish limits. "You never told me that" may be a legitimate objection when you try to punish a child for breaking a limit. Limits should be clear, consistent, and invariably enforced. And there should be clearly understood consequences for following or disobeying them. Don't overwhelm your stepchildren with rules, but have enough of them to create a moral order in your home.
• Let stepchildren participate in making the rules. Have regular family meetings. Use them for sharing positive experiences, openly airing grievances and concerns, and formulating rules. Children should not have the final say in establishing each rule. But they should know that they have been heard. It's a basic principle that people are much more likely to conform when they have participated in the decision-making process.
• Encourage openness about feelings. "I hate you. You're not my father." It's tempting to reprove the child and forbid such language. But that teaches stepchildren to suppress their feelings. Instead, tell the child why this kind of statement hurts and how it makes you feel. Then explore with the child why he or she feels this way, reminding the child that you still want to be a friend. Be honest with your stepchildren about your own feelings, and encourage them to be honest about theirs.
• Maintain your sense of humor. Humor helps keep matters in perspective. It helps relieve tension. It builds intimacy when you laugh with someone else. Sometimes you can use humor to resolve a problem with a stepchild. Humor won't cure all problems, but a lack of humor can kill a relationship.

References:

Beer, W.R. (1989). Strangers in the House. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.
Kelley, P. (1992). Healthy Stepfamily Functioning. Families in Society, 73, 579-587.
Larson, J.H., Anderson, J.O., & Morgan, A. (1984). Effective Stepparenting. New York: Family Service of America.
Neuman, M. (1994). Stepfamily Realities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

About the Author:

Robert H. Lauer, Ph.D. and Jeanette C. Lauer, Ph.D. are research professors at U.S. International University, San Diego, California. They have published fifteen books, including Becoming Family: How To Build a Stepfamily That Really Works (Augsburg 1999).