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Discover Resolution Of
Adult Step Children Issues
by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.
Then he divorced, his father died, and he rediscovered his mother. We are faced with adult step children issues.
Now, my wife and he sit around and agree upon actions involving the joint interests of my wife and me, and I am expected to go along with these decisions because, as my wife puts it, "My baby thought of it, and I think it's a great idea."
He is placing me in the position of being a miser or mean to my wife if I object to his "great" ideas. If I suggest to my wife that her son may not be as great as she thinks, she becomes extremely defensive of him.
I have been counseling couples for over three decades. During that time period I suppose I have seen hundreds of couples. One thing I have repeatedly learned is that there are always two sides to every story.
Couples can go to the same movie theater and end up seeing different movies with the same title. What I am going to say assumes that your wife would agree to the situation as you have described it.
Apparently you are very attached to your wife. You have enjoyed her company for approximately forty years. Now her son comes into her life and she is enjoying a more intimate relationship with him.
He has been going through a couple of significant losses -- his divorce and his father's death. These events have brought him back to his mother.
From your perspective, this grown man is intruding on your relationship to your wife. You are feeling left out and perhaps even a bit jealous and competitive with this "young buck," who comes sauntering into your life and captures the heart and mind of your wife.
And of course you are resentful. No matter that this man is your wife's son. He is still an interloper and he is interfering with your life.
Step children issue may pale compared to bigger spousal issue
The issue is not between you and her son. It is between you and your wife. She is the one encouraging the relationship and sharing your marriage with him.
Perhaps you and your wife need to sit down and have a conversation. If necessary, it should be done with a trained marriage counselor.
The conversation might begin something like this:
"Honey, you know I love you very much. And I want nothing more than to have you happy. I am glad that you are enjoying your relationship with your son.
However, I am used to having you all to myself. I am feeling left out and perhaps even jealous.
The issues that we used to talk about are now being talked about between the two of you. Many of these issues concern me and I feel as though I have no say in the matters.
I do not want to interfere with your relationship with him, but I am beginning to resent what feels to me his taking over my life as well as my wife."
Once you and your wife can come to a mutual understanding of the role her son is to play in her life, it might be necessary for her to set some boundaries regarding her relationship with him.
There are some issues that should be discussed between husband and wife and some issues that would be appropriate for her to discuss with her son as well. Adult step children issues can be tricky but many are worked out amicably.
About the Author:
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.
Revised 1/15/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Although my stepdaughter has never lived with us, my husband has always struggled with setting boundaries and has always been very defensive when I question his response to her behaviour (often way out of control and disrespectful). She is now 23 and is still trying to manipulate and control him. If he doesn't do what she wants then she gets abusive. Normally that works but recently she went so far over the top even threatening physical violence to him and me and he finally realised it had to stop.
Now I am not saying this will happen with your husband and Stepdaughter but if he is so grateful to have a relationship with her then I would very much doubt if he is capable of setting any boundaries and that is a recipe for disaster.
Also I can very much relate to your feeling left out. When you marry you do not expect to have to share your partner with another person! Most people have a number of years alone before they have children but you have been thrust in there at the coalface and with a husband that is so keen to make up for the missed years he is totally over the top. (my stepson moved in the day we got back from our honeymoon and then lived off us for 6 months grrr - he stayed up all night slept all day and my husband couldn't see anything wrong with it!)
You can never get the years you missed raising your kids back! And falling into a dysfunctional relationship is certainly not going to help either them, or you. I suspect he is suffering from guilt parenting and if you are not able to sort it soon then brace yourself for a long hard haul because the pattern will soon be set. If I had known the heartache I was gong to suffer when entering into the relationship with my man - I would have run 100 miles an hour in the opposite direction. We are now almost 12 years down the line and things are still very bad with his daughter.
Perhaps some counselling would help but if you think it will get better on it's own - you are wrong. My stepdaughter seems unable to differentiate between the father, daughter and husband, wife relationships and him always putting her first added to this misconception.
When you have children and nurture then from birth they become part of the family and everyone knows their own role and place within that unit. When parents divorce those children are suddenly thrust into first place and the whole dynamics are changed (and in my opinion not for the better).
Good luck, your going to need it!
Thank you for this article. My 20 year old step daughter lives with us and I'm really struggling with this. I can understand how the man in the above story feels. My husband and her mother divorced when she was 4. He is so happy that she is living with us while she goes to college because he missed out on so much when she was groing up. She lived with her mom until she graduated from High School. He and I have only been married for 3 years and she moved in right after we got married. Instead of a healthy father/daughter relationship, he wants to be her friend. One time I told him she had lied about cleaning the bathroom and he said "if she said she cleaned it then she did." I knew right then this was not going to be easy.
I love my husband and we do have a great marraige. But when his daughter is around us I feel pushed out. This situation is consuming me and affecting my life in very negative ways.