SelfhelpMagazine

by Christine Adams, Ph.D.

Why is sibling rivalry so upsetting to parents? We don't seem to mind when our child's sport team beats the opposing team or when our child wins an award or contest. To the contrary, we are thrilled when our child is able to compete and win. What makes sibling competition different?

One obvious reason of course is that it's just plain aggravating to have our kids squabbling when we need to get dinner or talk on the telephone. It's one more hassle we'd like to do without. But sibling rivalry affects us more strongly than normal nuisances because we care deeply about the quality of sibling relationships. While competition between "teams" or groups is actively encouraged in our society (Go, Rockets!), we usually feel anxious when there is competition or conflict within our group whether the group is our work group or social group.

The family is a unique group where members become members by birth or legal decree. Except for choosing whom we marry, we have no choice about joining a family group. The family is also special because you can never really not be a member (except for divorcing spouses). You can choose not to participate, but you are always a member of your family and the family you make with your spouse.

Almost universally in families, there are strong feelings of attachment to one another that defy logical explanation. For example in some families, members have little in common yet are still willing to help each other or do without for another family member. Add to this the strong need that children have to be special to their parents and get enough reassurance about their "worth as a person" and you have a complicated balancing act to get everyone's needs met enough of the time, over time.

Parents voluntarily deprive themselves so their children will get what they need. We tend to forget that children are "forced" into sacrificing and inconveniencing themselves for a sibling. It's not a choice freely made; it's imposed. Also, a sibling usually comes into the picture when children are appropriately ego-centric. It is normal for children from birth through mid-elementary age to be focused mostly on themselves. While this may seem "selfish" and drive parents crazy, it is a necessary stage. Before one can give to another, one must know oneself. (Tip: Enforce appropriate behavior, but do not expect your child to have the "right attitude" until later).

Siblings play a crucial role in a child's development of social skills, self-esteem, plus understanding of power, allegiance and competition. Unlike peers where skill levels are roughly equal, non-twin siblings must learn to deal with another child who has a different level of development. The good news is that these differences are helpful to children. Older siblings become mentors, role models, companions; younger siblings become playmates, pupils, fans. Research shows that children who have loving, close relationships with siblings tend to have better peer relationships, possibly because they have learned to compromise and "take turns" getting their needs met. Research also shows there is still a lot of fighting among siblings who are deeply attached to one another.

Some tips on managing sibling rivalry in children are:

1. If there is no clear "aggressor" in a fight, give each child a consequence. Sometimes the child who "aggressed first" has been "set up" by the other child. This helps reduce resentment and motivates each child to try harder to get along to avoid negative consequences.
2. One common mistake parents make when introducing a new baby is to tell the older child how lucky he or she is to have a new sibling. Actually, the benefits of having a sibling are slow to materialize -- like 30 year bond investments. Try reminding the older child frequently how lucky the baby is to have such a wonderful big brother or sister who knows so much and can teach the baby so much. Even if the baby is not much liked, it still feels good to be an asset to the sibling.
3. When an older sibling complains about how the younger child does not have as many chores or sacrifices to make, avoid saying "when you were that age you didn't have to do...." Instead, try explaining how older children have more privileges than younger children like spending the night with friends or being on a sports team. With privileges come responsibilities like cleaning up one's room or dish washing. Reassure the older child that the younger child will also get more responsibility with age.
4. Respect a child's right to not share a specific toy. Have the child who does not want to share loan a less preferred toy to the sibling. If a child wants to play with a sibling's toy, have the child loan one of his or her toys to the sibling as an "exchange." Resentment builds when children feel they are always giving without any "getting."

A good rule of thumb is common courtesy. Even when siblings are angry with one another, require them to be courteous and respectful. For example, it's normal to get angry, but it's not okay to call a family member an idiot. Conflict needs to be resolved through nonviolent, respectful negotiations.

Finally, competition is everywhere. Sibling rivalry is a special form of competition. Competition is not inherently bad. When siblings learn to compete fairly while nurturing and supporting each other, they learn one of the most difficult tasks of parenthood, marriage or relationships — supporting someone else while taking good care of oneself.

About the Author:

Christine Adams, Ph.D. , a licensed psychologist in Houston, TX, is co-author of "Why Children Misbehave and What to Do About It" (New Harbinger Publications, 1996) which was awarded the seal of favorable review by the American Academy of Family Physicians
Foundation.