SelfhelpMagazine

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

When something happens that's never been a problem before, it's natural to be upset and imagine the worst. That's why I want to begin by reassuring you there's nothing very unusual about your problem. Many men have occasional periods of impotence. However, few men feel comfortable talking about impotence, so it's easy to feel like you're the only one when it happens to you.

Here's what I suggest you do:

1. Find a good physician and have yourself thoroughly checked out for possible medical causes. There are all kinds of possibilities. For instance, have you started taking any new medications? Impotence or lack of desire is a common side effect of some medications.
2. Sit down with a pad and pen, and write down every detail you can remember about your last sexual encounter. Rate every aspect of it in terms of pleasure, satisfaction, arousal.
3. Next, write down 2 new things that would give you more pleasure, more satisfaction, more arousal. Take a few minutes to think about what turns you on. Then think about your attempts to communicate these desires to your sexual partner.

   Is a failure to communicate your desires part of the problem? Write all this down. Have you discussed it kindly, sweetly, and with patience?

4. If you are unable to think of anything after trying intently for 15 minutes, then take this information to your doctor or psychologist/counselor.
5. If you choose to go to a psychotherapist, make sure it's someone who is competent to treat the problem and will consider all possible reasons for it. Also, make sure it's someone who will not jump to the conclusion you are not really gay after all.
6. Finally, be gentle with yourself while you look for solutions. Blaming yourself will only make you feel worse and won't solve the problem.

These issue do get resolved if you keep working as
described above. Give it try, grab that pad and pen right now.

Meanwhile if you have found something helpful in your life experience with this issue, please share it with others in the comment section below.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.