SelfhelpMagazine

by Dr. Al Cooper and Dr. Coralie Scherer

We hear your concern and confusion over having such an intense sexual fantasies but you have some company-- a lot.

Enjoy Fantasies

• Sexual fantasies are without a doubt the most common kind of sexual experience and are a part of the vast majority of men's and women's psychological landscape.

• Fantasies are completely private and safe and can actually be enhancing.
• Fantasies are a way of giving your sexual feelings a holiday--you can try different partners, positions, and situations without having to be accountable--or worry about disease.
• Fantasy can allow one to role play upcoming encounters, temporarily escape from real life, relieve pent up pressures, or most commonly (in over 70% of men and women), to intensify sexual arousal during masturbation or love making.
• Fantasies can just pop into a person's mind unsolicited or can be carefully and elaborately orchestrated.
• Many men and women report "unusual" sexual fantasies that they would never do because they seem dangerous, illegal or outside their value system.
• Some worry that having these unsettling daydreams means they might act on them or be mentally ill. Then their fantasy becomes a source of guilt, anxiety or fear.

When a fantasy intrudes on real life to the point that it interferes with personal relationships, sexual functioning ( a person cannot respond to a real life partner), or work or a person becomes so obsessed with it that he feels compelled to act it out it is then a problem exists.

So check in with your fantasy. You may feel less "squirmy" if your fantasies fits the non-intrusive, non-compulsive category. If it does, you may want to make an appointment with a sex counselor to uncover its sources. Find a specialist though. This area is fraught with uneducated personal bias masquerading as expertise. Ask around to find someone who has undergone specialized training in sex therapy or human sexuality.

About the Author:

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, ran the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.