SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

You sound as though you have given this matter a great deal of thought. You recognize that your relationship with your mother is too enmeshed. While you want to emotionally separate from her, you don't want to abandon the relationship.

Your concern is that your mother won't understand this distinction. In addition, you believe that physical separation is a step toward trying to develop an independent sense of self.

This is not an unusual scenario between children and their parents, especially between young women and their mothers. It is to your credit that you want to separate and that you are willing to seek professional assistance in making this separation. It is true that many people feel abandoned when someone they are attached to wants to individuate.

The bond that develops over years often feels as though the two people are physically connected to the point that you don't know where one person ends and the other begins. Usually this process of individuation begins at the age of two or three and is encouraged by parents who believe their job is to help their children to develop into autonomous, self-reliant, independent adults.

Relationship With Mother Can Change

Sometimes, parents become overly protective and live through their children. Their primary sense of self-worth derives from being a parent and taking care of their offspring. When their children want to leave the nest, these parents often feel abandoned and feel as though they have no purpose.

The fact that you use the term "betrayal" in your question suggests that there was some implicit agreement between you and your mother, e.g., that she would take care of you and you would remain her baby. Your decision to fly the nest may be experienced by your mother as a betrayal.

It might be helpful for you to seek professional help together before you actually leave, and then ask your mother to participate. You may want to tell her that you need her to be there for you, rather than making it about the relationship; invite your mother to come to help you.

The professional can help you both deal with the feelings that emerge for both of you as you separate. Your mother would have an ally and may be able to recognize that your separating is not being directed against her, but is necessary for your growth.

She may also see that she needs to develop a life in addition to being your Mom. Your relationship with mother has the opportunity to grow, as you mature.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.