SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

First, it appears that a bit of your thinking may be projection. That is, many victims of rape and incest blame themselves and feel as though they are terrible people.

They tend to think that they should have done something to prevent what happened and believe that they will be rejected. These thoughts are then projected onto others. I wonder whether a some of that thinking may be operating here as well.

Secondly, if he is as great as you say he is, rather than reject you, your friend will be empathic and sympathetic. He will see that you were the victim, not the perpetrator. If he does not respond with tenderness, compassion, and understanding then perhaps he is not as great as you think he is.

Incest and Rape History

In the case of rape it is never the victim's fault. It doesn't matter what the circumstances. Rape is a violent act; it is about power and anger, not sex.

Some forms of incest -- brother-sister incest for example -- may or may not be violent or abusive. Father-daughter incest and mother-son incest, on the other hand, are an abuse of power. The son and the daughter are being used by their parents for the parents needs. Hence, the children are victims; it is not their fault.

Whether you should wait until you can trust him depends on your degree of comfort in talking about your past. When you speak of "trust," do you mean trust him not to leave? Or do you mean trust him not to use your history against you, judge you, and/or hurt you?

If he leaves or hurts you by his reaction, you have learned something about him. But if he is all that you say he is, he will cherish the confidence you share with him and it will bring you closer.

Your own level of comfort with sharing your rape history should be the main determiner of when to share your experiences. You might want to visit our Resources Department for more information on rape and incest.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.