Self-help Articles

by Beverly I. Fagot, Ph.D. & Mary Gauvain, Ph.D.

Temper tantrums are common among many 18- month-olds who get frustrated while learning new skills. If mothers become overly cautious or overly critical when this happens, it could interfere with the child's problem-solving abilities later on, says research. Parenting toddlers is an unending challenge. This article describes why and how a parent can improve their skills with a difficult toddler.

A study found that a child's temperament - difficult, moody, withdrawn, physically active - can affect how the mother will view him/her and then have an influence on their interaction. This in turn could hinder a child's problem-solving abilities and cognitive development in the future.

This chicken-and-egg problem, that is, which comes first is often difficult to sort out. Both these aspects are relevant: a child's temperament can easily wear out a tired mother, and likewise, a tired, potentially more impatient or disapproving mother's reaction to a difficult child can lead to yet more problems with the child's development. The bigger problem of course, is how to resolve it.

First, Let's Look at the Research

The study authors discovered this by first assessing 93 children's temperament at 18 months old and the mothers' behavior toward her child in the home. One year later, the mothers and children were observed while working on two problem-solving tasks in a laboratory when the children were 30 months old.

The mothers were observed offering their child help, praising or disapproving of his or her performance. The children either became frustrated, didn't want to complete the task, completed the task or wandered off without completing the task. At age 5, the children were asked again to complete two other problem-solving tasks in the laboratory and take an IQ test. Their kindergarten teachers were asked to determine if any learning problems were apparent.

The researchers found that if the mothers rated their child as difficult, their child would have more errors on laboratory performance tasks taken at 18 months and at 30 months. Disapproving behavior by the mother when the child was 30 months increased the child's likelihood of developing learning problems at age 5 according to kindergarten teacher ratings.

Next, Let's Look at Possible Solutions

Interestingly, this age-old problem has been much more easily handled in traditional family structures. Many extended family systems had this problem handled. Older sibs, grandparents and other relatives have traditionally been in place to help young couples with these child-rearing pressures.

When young couples move away from their families of origin or adapt more Western lifestyles of having fewer children, living in separate households and often in separate cities, new parents are needing to realize that:

• mothers have not always handled these pressures alone
• quite to the contrary, traditional systems have been in place for centuries to provide hours of relief to tired mothers
• now it falls on new parents to understand that the concept of confining a new mother to a house alone with a toddler (or more) is unnatural
• and parents can cope, but need to replace the traditional family with other sources of support and relief for the mother.

Understanding how our Western lifestyle has generated this problem and giving new mothering-figures adequate time off for refueling are not the only factors that can help. During their time away from a child, moms actually need to be engaging in replenishing activities. Sitting in front of the TV, computer, mindlessly eating ice cream may be tempting for a tired mom, but of done consistently, poor nutrition and a lack of exercise will only make matters worse. The last thing a difficult child is a moody mother caused by a mother who doesn't take good care of herself.

Good mothering then, is a two-fold process: taking good care of the baby means taking good care of oneself as a mother. Regular feeding times for both mother and child, regular play and exercise times for both mother and child are all essential. Successful new parents are learning that proper self-care for new moms involves to exercise, meditate, practice yoga, dance, sing, read and engage in other activities that nurture and replenish one's body, mind and spirit. Letting off steam in nurturing ways can help mom return to the child with renewed energy and a positive outlook, too.

Having a safe and supportive community to ask questions about child care, to complain of stressors when they feel overwhelming, and to seek encouragement to keep going - these elements might be seen by some as a type of replacement for the mothers and grandmothers of yester-year, however strange that may seem to some.

Fortunately, as mothers become more aware of the types of research findings reported above, they are seeking and finding support in their local schools, churches and community groups and clubs (YMCA); online community forums, and other aware groups that both support and help moms focus away from the demanding child for small breaks throughout the day. As dads and other parenting figures recognize the need and share responsibility for early child-rearing, the burden is slowly shifting away from mothers exclusively.

Wherever a new mother gets advice and support, it is needed today as much as ever. New parents can rely on each other more than in the past when parenting roles were more tradition-bound, but new parents still need outside figures of wisdom and emotional support. When a mother is refueled, she can return to her baby with more patience, tolerance and playfulness. Those attributes are best heard and seen when a parent uses soothing or happy tones, helpful words and gentle touch, particularly with a difficult young child.

In summary, parenting young children requires a constant balancing act for moms with young children to manage their personal needs with those of their often demanding child (or children) for positive and constructive interactions. Accepting the realities, limitations of our family structures and using other types of resources are 3 necessary components to maintain the healthy balance required by most new mothers.

Reference:

"Mother-Child Problem Solving: Continuity Through the Early Years" by Beverly I. Fagot, Ph.D. & Mary Gauvain, Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology, Vol. 33, No. 3.

This information received from the American Psychological Association (APA), in Washington, DC.