Dating Advice - How Can I Get a Later Curfew?

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Curfews really depend on a lot of factors. Three of the main factors in determining a reasonable curfew are:

1.  the level of responsibility of the youth and
2. the level of trust between the youth and parents, and
3. the health needs of the teen.

How Can I Get a Later Curfew?
Recognize what you can control and what you can't. You can control coming home on time, being honest about your whereabouts when you are out, calling if you are going to be late and asking for a later curfew for special events, then sticking to the plan.

You can't control your parents' beliefs and decisions about what their responsibilities are as parents. The truth is that parents who are strict are usually trying to do a good job of protecting their children, not trying to be mean or cruel. They may also not like who you are dating, and deny you a curfew without saying anything about your date.

Granted, some parents have pre-conceived ideas about how things "should be" and their "reasonableness" may be hard for you to see. Usually these types of parents have ideas that are based on their own experiences as a young person or beliefs about how parents "should" raise their children. If your parents fall into this camp, you're not likely to win the curfew battle, regardless of what you do.

On the other hand, if your parents are open to discussion about your curfew, you may want to discuss with them their concerns and expectations. For example, are they basing their decision solely on your age, or is there something you can do to convince them that you are mature enough to handle a later curfew?

Would if help if your friends, including the person you want to date, come by the house and hang out a few times before you go out? Can you just meet at the mall or some other public place for a Saturday afternoon activity and not make it a formal date to start?

No matter how you start, you will eventually want evening privileges. You may want to ask them to give you a chance to prove that you can handle a later curfew. How you do this is something to consider carefully.

Some parents are very informal and unstructured, and the best time to bring things up is in the car at the beginning of the ride) on the way to get groceries.

Other families do better when a time is planned and you can make sure there are no interuptions, so that you have time to fully lay out your case and make you're heard, before getting an answer.

Whatever you think will work best, you will want to equip yourself any other evidence you can bring to the "negotiation table." You might want to include these facts, if they are true for you, and any supporting documentation, such as a copy of your grades:

1. Your grades are good;
2. you come home on time at your current curfew;
3. you're able to stay awake in the afternoon without pumping yourself full of caffeine and other "power" drinks or snacks to make sure you don't fall asleep in class;
4. you seldom get into serious trouble for immature reasons, and
5. you aren't getting sick frequently because lack restorative sleep.

Once you've established you reasons for thinking you can handle a later curfew, propose a specific time for your new curfew. Suggest that you "try it" few for a specific period of time and set up a "review" at a specified time and place.

Also be ready to negotiate an exchange of goods or services in return for your parent's trust. Don't be surprised if they ask you to show your maturity in other ways, in exchange for their added trust. For instance, they might ask you to keep your room cleaner, help a sibling somehow, run a regular errand for them, etc.

Be ready to give in on a small thing so that you can get the big thing you really want, that later curfew! If you think they'll got for it, you might really blow their socks off by offering this added responsibility without waiting for them to ask for it. Another thing kids often end up doing during a later curfew is calling home at a specific time to let parents know where you are and that you are alright.

Whatever they want (within reason), give it to them. Know that the "review meeting" serves a dual purpose: checking up on you and giving you another chance to renegotiate the terms of your deal. If you agreed to something you don't like doing, the review period is where you get a chance to explain that you handled everything without problems, so you ought to be given yet more latitude.

If they go for the idea of a "review meeting" in a few months, take the initiative and be the one to mark it on the calendar immediately. Then make sure you call everyone before the specified time to remind them of the meeting. (That's what adults do before meetings.) When you act like an adult, that is, take responsibility for this review and not try to sneak out of it, you will be well on your way to earning a reasonable parent's respect.

Of course, this review will go best if you can bring in evidence of having maintained all your promises. That is, bring in print-outs of your grades, days of attendance at school, and perhaps even a calendar with "x's" for each day you successfully kept your curfews, got your chores done, etc.

Be smart about this and don't make the mistake of only putting "x's" on the calendar when you messed up. If you show them a calendar filled with "x's", be sure they represent the many times you were successful, and not just the few times you were unsuccessful. If your parents dwell on your failures, point out the many more times that you succeeded, as evidenced by the calendar!

In preparing for this meeting, be creative! If you can get a note from your teacher, handwritten, saying how well you are doing and how alert you are in class, it can't hurt. The same goes for a coach, tutor or any other adult who comes in regular contact with you.

These little surprises turned in unexpectedly at the review meeting will usually go a long way toward impressing upon most parents that you really are capable of handling more responsibility, and build evidence for your position that you can handle more freedom.

Also, be sure you're home on time and are where you are suppose to be when out. This is how you earn trust and prove that you are capable of handling more freedom.

In some cases your parents will go along with you and in others they won't. Don't give up. Be persistent but not obnoxious. Wait a few months and ask again. Keep building your case, with accurate documentation if you can.

It might boil down to your parents are just not going to budge. They may just simply be unrealistic, but in other cases your friends' parents may be too lax. All cases are different, so try to take control of those things you can and work within the guidelines you've already negotiated with your parents for now.

Chances are that your response to the negotiation outlined above will ultimately influence how open they will be to any future discussions of curfew or dating in the future.

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.