Teen Sex & the Internet

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Good question. Generally, it is common for a young teen to be curious about their sexuality and to actively seek out sexually explicit material of both genders. Teenagers are both curious about what people look like and also easily aroused by all nudity. Their bodies are changing and hormones rage, especially in boys.

My thought is that most looking and touching is driven by curiosity. Many people have same-sex encounters as young teens. This is not usually an indication of sexual orientation at this age, just exploration.

Boys particularly are interested in seeing if their sex organs look normal, if they are developing as quickly as others and often compare their penis size with every penis they can find. This may go on indefinitely. We all know grown ups who continue to do this through adulthood!

You may want to have the "talk" with your son if you haven't already. Actually, it is advised that parents have a continued "talk" with their children about sexual issues all through the child's life, from as earliy as possible, to whatever degree is initiated by the child.

At this point, if you haven't made sexuality an open topic, make yourself available for questions, but be careful not to make biases reference to same-sex issues. You probably want to help him comfortable talking about sexual issues without being embarrassed or ashamed.

Many kids avoid this entire topic with their parents precisely because the parents haven't been talking about it. If you want to start moving in this direction of having more casual conversations with your teens, start watching TV together. There are many programs with sexual themes that occur regualrly. You might even make it a point to watch an explicit show like "CSI" or "Sex and the City", depending on your own comfort level.

When a sexual topic comes up, and it will, ask something like, "Did you know about that?" or "Have you ever seen such a thing?"

Then sit back. Next time, ask another question, maybe something along the lines of, "I didn't know that. Did you?"

If they answer in the affirmative to anything, just sit back and keep asking questions. Let him do the talking.

Where did he see it? School, magazines? Books? Health Class? What other things have they talked about in class? Do they look things up on the Internet? Do friends look things up on the Internet with him? Where else do they get their information? How do they know if something he sees on the Internet is accurate?

After all, you know he is getting information, and it is your job that he not only get accurate information, but that he learns how to treat that information respectfully.

You may not want to ask all these questions in one sitting, but you most certainly might consider asking 2-3 every time the topic is raised.

By engaging them in conversation, you are teaching him the proper use of language as well as respect toward the topic itself.

If you aren't sure which words to use, take out a piece of paper and write down all the terms you know. Then check off those you think are appropriate to use with your child or teen.

Whatever you do when talking with your kid, keep your cool and don't get angry. No matter what he says, keep the conversation going. If you don't like a word he uses, just correct them and say something like, "Well, I'd rather we use this word ____ because it makes people, including me, feel more comfortable."

For many kids it is too uncomfortable to talk to parents about highly charged emotional issues, including sex, because they want your acceptance and approval. Just be prepared for questions and keep breathing if he shocks you. Be sure you have a talk about safe sex as soon as possible if you haven't already. That is one topic that can't be postponed in today's society.

You may indeed learn that your son is interested in partners of the same sex. There is growing acceptance of same-gender exploration in early sexual development. Many college students report having at least one same-gender sexual partner during their college years.

There is also ample evidence that over 10% of the population is homosexual. Your son may be coming to terms with his sexual orientation, and as such, it will be important for you to do the same.

Gay and lesbian teens often face great difficulties when they are sorting out their sexual orientation. The suicide rate among homosexual teens is astronomical. They also have much higher rates of substance abuse, running away from home, school problems and others if they do not get the support and acceptance they need from the adults and peers in their lives early on.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Nobody would get up one day and make a conscious choice to be gay knowing it would mean a lifetime of discrimination, being treated with hostility and disgust, having people you don't even know judge and shame you and risking the loss of love from your family and friends.

People who are gay and lesbian are not evil or psychologically impaired. Their parents did not cause them to choose an alternative lifestyle because of poor parenting skills, divorce or sexual abuse. Homosexuality is now believed by many to have a genetic component.

Regardless of the cause, it is a reality for one out of every ten people. If one of those is your child, your parental responsibilities are the same . . . to accept, love, nurture and guide him.

If he is gay, and he or any of your family have problems dealing with that, please seek professional help for your whole family. It is probably not something he will outgrow. Disapproval or an inability to accept the teen as he is, can lead to serious problems. The risks for serious issues such as drug addiction, alcoholism and most importantly, teen suicide are dangerously high for teenagers who face disapproval and do not get help.

If you want more information on the subject please visit the SelfhelpMagazine GLBT Department [1] or Community Forum [2].

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.