A challenging aspect of the anger skills component of my "Practicing Safe Stress" program is helping participants realize that "Assertion" is one of "The Four Faces of Anger [1]," a model based on whether anger expression is "Constructive" or "Destructive" and "Purposeful" or "Spontaneous."
The difficulty for many in linking assertion and anger stems from two erroneous beliefs: a) assertion is too rational or intellectual to convey real anger and b) anger has to be loud, emotional and potentially explosive. Actually, when people don't genuinely acknowledge the aggressive component of their assertive expression, healthy anger is masked and distorted. A power struggle can ensue.
The result is often judgmental criticism, condescending sarcasm or, even, passive-aggressive retaliation. In other words, an assertive intention regresses into a hostile defense or intimidation. And I frequently see this reactive transformation with the use of blaming "You"s over self-acknowledging, responsibility shouldering "I" messages.
Now be honest, under enough stress and frustration, aren't you occasionally a "blameaholic"? What are some of the more common, judgmental "You" messages or "acc-you-sations? How about, "It's your fault," "You make me sick," "You made me do it," "You drive me crazy," "You screwed up" (only one time, of course not), "You always screw up" or "You never do it right", "You shouldn't think (or feel) that way," "You're too sensitive, too moody."
And my all time obnoxious "You" message: "You really disappointed me!," with the guilt toxin just dripping from self-righteous lips as it surreptitiously seeps deep into the target's psyche. And the consistent use of abrasive "You" attacks has predictable consequences: such provocative communication invariably triggers an overt or covert defensive reaction, withdrawal, intimidation and/or interpersonal power struggles.
In my workshops, I bring out this provocative "you" dynamic through a playful yet powerful exercise called, "You Can't Make Me!" People pair off, decide who's Person A, who's Person B. (It has nothing to do with being Type A or Type B.)
I then ask participants to try to imagine one person with whom there is or there recently has been some interpersonal tension or conflict; someone who has you clenching your jaws at night or plotting strategy at 3 am. (Of course, a frequent rejoinder is, "You mean I have to choose just one person!") I encourage participants to think of the conflict as a power struggle issue.
And when asked to eyeball their opposite number (actually, opposite letter) a tension in the air begins to build. People get seriously focused or start to squirm. Then come the instructions: Person A declares, "You Can't Make Me!" Person B counters with, "Oh Yes I Can (make you)." Clearly it's a clash of polar "You" messages. The antagonists are to verbal volley for about ten seconds. They can be loud and abrasive, hostile, whiny or passive-aggressive. The only limit: "You can't get out of your chair."
Body language is encouraged. And then, after a few back and forths, they can reach closure, by saying whatever they'd really like to say to their imagined foe. (X-rated language is discouraged.) However, the x-rated warning may not be sufficient. Alas, this exercise does pose a risk, especially with the wrong audience. Let me illustrate.
Unbeknownst to me, just before show time, I received word that my West Virginia mountain health spa audience was in their third day of a smoking cessation program. (Talk about, "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Manic.")
To harness some of the off the mountain wall energy, I quickly had participants pair off for the above-mentioned "You Can't Make Me" role-play. Perhaps this was not my most scintillating leadership moment. You see, with one particular male-female dyad, provocative tensions were escalating rapidly. Miss A apparently perceived a little too much sexual intonation into Mr. B's, "Oh, yes I can! (make you)"
Before I could intervene Miss A picks up a glass of ice water and pours it into Mr. B's lap. Ouch. That's one way of going cold turkey (if not being one). Trust me, this guy was smoke free for the rest of the week.
This role interaction while intense is usually not so dramatic. A few participants just laugh -- some feel the exercise artificial or absurd. Others laugh nervously at the prospect of projecting or receiving raw aggression.
The decibel level rise in the room (usually to an ambiance of barely controlled chaos) speaks volumes about the group's involvement with the exercise. Considering the fabricated nature of the role play, why do so many fairly quickly put on their game face and register power struggle emotions and expressions? I've come up with three "C" factors:
While all three "C"s can fuel intense conflict and power clashes, I suspect the most universal trigger is the issue of "Control." Why? Wrestle with this question: When do profound issues of control first surface in families?...Certainly by toilet training. The reality is we all have a history of personal and interpersonal control issues along with autonomy-intimacy boundary struggles no matter how nice or civilized, rebellious or intimidated, mature or repressed we have become.
So how does one resist the invitation to the power dance, especially a dysfunctional struggle; how does one transcend a potential vicious cycle of interaction? By way of illustration, let's return to the "You Can't Make Me" scenario.
As part of the post-role play, group reflection on the exercise segment, I select a sturdy looking audience member and ask him or her to take my offering of an invisible rope. (I learned a not soon to be forgotten lesson: if you select a female, don't ever refer to her as "a big woman." Believe me, "Never again!")
As the participant gazes at me quizzically, holding the other end of the imaginary rope, I challenge my opposite to, "Pull hard; come on, give it a good pull" The public nature of the challenge invariably has my unwitting antagonist grimacing, straining and pulling intently.
And just as it seems they are about to overpower me, to win this virtual-physical contest of wills and won'ts I pose the unexpected: "What happens if I decide to 'drop the rope'?"
The tension is over. My partner in conceptual crime usually grins sheepishly or mimes falling over. The audience breaks out in "aha" smiles if not "ha-ha" laughter. Instead of proving who can pull harder in some dysfunctional, ego-driven contest, one party purposefully lets go of the self-defeating game, steps outside the predictable boundary lines by dropping the rope. It's a sign of maturity, not of wimpiness.
To clinch the strategic concept another question follows: "How do you drop the rope in the "You Can't Make Me/Oh Yes I Can (make you)" Exercise? Now it's time to integrate the art and skill of letting go and employing "I" message communication. But first, let me acknowledge that using "I" messages effectively requires some doing.
I recall a supervisor in a team building workshop asking: "Is this an example of an "I" message? 'I think you're wrong!'" No, Ms. P that's not an "I" message; that's a sneaky, blaming "You" message. An "I" message response might be: "I disagree," "Here's what I know or what I believe," "Here's how I see it" or, even "My data says otherwise."
Okay, back to the role-play. How's this for a reply to the testy, win-lose "You can't make me"? "Whether I can or can't make you, that's not where I'm coming from. I need your help. If I'm bugging you or something's bugging you, let's talk about it. If we're going to get the project done (meet our goal, the deadline, etc.) we need to be on the same page; we need to pull together, not be pulling apart."
Drop the rope; not right or wrong. And another Stress Doc immunization-aphormation that protects against or disentangles enmeshed egos and facilitates letting go of a power struggle, comes to mind: Difference and Disagreement =/= Disapproval and Disloyalty!
And, of course, when dealing with an incorrigible dominance-submission egotist, find solace in the words of 20th century French novelist, Andre Gide: "One must allow others to be right, it consoles them for not being anything else." Words for..."Practicing Safe Stress!"
Mark Gorkin, "Anger or Aggression: Confronting the Passionate Edge," Legal Assistant Today, Winter 1986
Harriet G. Lerner, "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", Paperback, HarperTrade / August 2000
W. Doyle Gentry, "Anger-Free: Ten Basic Steps to Managing Your Anger", Paperback, Morrow,William & Co, March 2000
Mark Gorkin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, speaker, trainer and "Online Psychohumorist," known throughout the web, AOL, and the nation as "The Stress Doc." Specialty areas: organizational change and conflict, team building, creativity and humor. (1616 18th Street, NW #312, Washington, DC 20009-2530, (202) 232-8662).
Originally published 08/17/00
Revised 11/06/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Links:
[1] http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/node/355