Tips for Strengthening Your Mother-Daughter Relationship

by Kelly B. Cartwright, Ph.D.

As a mother of a wonderful daughter, I face the challenge of raising a healthy girl in a culture that presents many unhealthy images. Although recent decades have seen much progress in providing opportunities for girls, old ideas die hard. Our culture is saturated with stereotypical expectations for both girls and boys.

For example, girls are expected to play quietly and stay neat, while boys are expected to be rough and tough. Girls are judged by how they look, and boys are judged by what they do. We encourage independence and assertiveness in boys, but view assertiveness in girls as "unladylike."

According to Pipher, "something dramatic happens to girls in early adolescence. Just as planes and ships disappear mysteriously into the Bermuda Triangle, so do the selves of girls go down in droves (Pipher, p. 19)." In adolescence, girls' IQ, math, and science scores drop. Their self-esteem plummets.

They lose their assertiveness and optimism, and become increasingly depressed. Essentially, these girls are pressured by our culture to conform to expectations. They are expected to be beautiful and sweet. They give up themselves to please others.

Pipher quotes one adolescent girl who sums up the dilemma nicely: "I'm a perfectly good carrot that everyone is trying to turn into a rose. As a carrot, I have good color and a nice leafy top. When I'm carved into a rose, I turn brown and wither. (Pipher, p. 22)."

So, what can parents do to support the healthy development of their daughters? Research in child development suggests several strategies.

Communication

Often, stereotypical expectations make their way into our thought processes and operate automatically. We end up communicating these expectations to our children without even realizing it. For example, think about the first comments you make to a girl when you meet her.

You may say things like "What a pretty girl you are!" or "Don't you look beautiful in that dress." More often than not, adults comment first on girls' physical appearance. This emphasizes to girls that their appearance is most important -- consistent with our cultural expectations. Why not comment on a girl's skills and abilities? "You certainly are smart (or strong, or helpful)." This way, girls learn to value their inner qualities rather than outer ones.

Interaction

Research shows that adults are more likely to respond to assertiveness in boys than in girls, whether in the playroom or in the classroom. This teaches our daughters that speaking out is not acceptable for girls. Similarly, parents and teachers are more likely to allow boys to try tasks on their own.

When dealing with girls, though, we take over tasks more often, not allowing them the experience of learning for themselves. Children learn by doing. In order to raise confident, inquisitive girls, we must allow them to try new things and make their own mistakes -- in academic, social, and leisure activities.

Academics and Activities

Inherent in our cultural stereotypes about sex is the belief that males are better at math and science, while females are better at English, reading, and writing. These expectations filter down to children very early. In one study of elementary school children, girls perceived themselves to be better at reading, while boys perceived themselves to be better at math. However, the children's academic performance in these subjects was equivalent! By junior high, girls' grades in math and science decline, and they have less confidence in their academic and intellectual abilities.

If parents encourage math and science activities, girls' confidence and competence in these areas blooms. School science fairs, chemistry sets, erector sets, bug (rock or leaf) collections, microscopes, and weather stations can provide experiences that encourage girls' academic development and their self-esteem. These kinds of experiences also teach girls that they are valued because of their skills and abilities rather than their physical appearance.

Often, girls' academic work is praised more for neatness than for intellectual quality. This is yet another example of the emphasis placed on appearance for girls in our culture. Regardless of the subject area, whether math, reading, spelling, or science, adults should focus on the strengths in the work. Perhaps your daughter is a good writer who invents creative stories, or maybe she is a math whiz who solves complex problems easily.

When we identify strengths in children's work, we can foster and support their developing abilities and teach them to value these skills in themselves. Similarly, we can support girls' hobbies and extracurricular interests. For example, girls' involvement in athletics is associated with higher self-esteem.

Conclusion

Girls are bombarded by messages that emphasize conformity to a culturally defined standard. In order to raise healthy girls, we must allow them to be themselves. We must provide girls experiences, opportunities, and messages that teach them to value their individual skills, talents, abilities, and strengths. We must show them that they are much more than the images that society projects on them.

Web Resources:
Girls Incorporated (with good parent information): http://www.girlsinc.org [1]
Girls'Home Page at Girls Incorporated: http://www.girlsinc.org/GirlsHome.htm [2]
Activities for Girls at Girlstart: http://www.girlstart.org [3] (also has a Parent's section)
More activities at GirlTech: http://www.girltech.com [4]

References:

Banaji, M. R., & Hardin, C. D. (1996). Automatic stereotyping. Psychological Science, 7, 136-141.
Burkam, D. T., Lee, Valerie, E., & Smerdon, B. A. (1997). Gender and science learning early in high school: Subject matter and laboratory experiments. American Educational Research Journal, 34, 297-331.
Eccles, J., Wigfield, A., Harold, R. D., & Blumfield, P. (1993). Age and gender differences in children's self- and task perceptions during elementary school. Child Development, 64, 830-847.
Fagot, B. I., Hagan, R., Leinbach, M. D., & Kronsberg, S. (1985). Differential reactions to assertive and communicative acts of toddler boys and girls. Child Development, 56, 1499-1505.
Ohannessian, C. M., Lerner, R. M., Lerner, J. V., & Eye, A. (1999). Does self-competence predict gender differences in adolescent depression and anxiety? Journal of Adolescence, 22, 397-411.
Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the selves of adolescent girls. New York: Ballantine.
Sadker, M., & Sadker, D. (1994). Failing at fairness: How our schools cheat girls. New York: Touchstone.
Salokun, S. O. (1994). Positive change in self-concept as a function of improved performance in sports. Perceptual & Motor Skills, 78, 752-754.

About the Author:

Specializing in child development, Kelly B. Cartwright, Ph.D. [5], is a full-time faculty member in the Psychology Department at Christopher Newport University in Newport News, VA. Dr. Cartwright's research has focused on cognitive development, language, literacy, and gender issues.