What is a Family?

by Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D.

There is a forever quality to family
Structural changes need not dilute the functionality of family
How to strengthen family interaction to best teach values and civic responsibility.

There's a black wood sculpture from Kenya in the living room. It's softly burnished, about a foot and a half tall, a few inches in diameter. There are a number of people arranged around the form, standing on each other's shoulders, from the bottom to the top, on all sides. An African man told me that this represents a village, with each generation standing on the shoulders of the prior one as it reaches upward in its quest for life.

I like to think of it as a family, each age group holding up the next and helping it. There's another wood sculpture in the room, one I've called "Still together after all these years." It represents to me a family group as well, with some leaning on others, the big ones holding on to the little ones, the weak supported by the strong, and al tilted just a little inward, toward each other, to comfort and to speak encouragement in each other's ears.

Family is something of an endangered species in the US, with high divorce rates and lots of people moving away from their homes as soon as they can. Because we haven't quite lost the whole idea yet, it's worth remembering what the family ideal is for, and thinking how to restore it so it works in a new era.

In some ways, family is forever. One side of my family can be traced to the Mayflower, which counted for something where we lived. Even if the whole bunch had been horse thieves, it's still important to know what you can of your genetic background, for health reasons, and to help explain character a little. Because some of my kids are adopted, I tried to learn what I could of their genetic background for them.

Family certainly doesn't have to be blood ties, and usually half of it is marriage ties instead. And then there are the close friends of parents, surrogate aunts and uncles, that so enrich everyone's lives. Part of what makes family special is this forever quality, the knowing that whatever you do, wherever you go, you'll still be daughter to these two, granddaughter and cousin and niece to these others, and that will never change.

Later, you'll add the titles of wife, mom, aunt, and still later, grandmother, and all of these roles are good, right, and meaningful. At different times in your lives, when you have different needs and interests, some of these roles will be more powerful than others, but they'll all be there, waiting their turn in the cycle of life.

I've been reading a biography called Change me into Zeus's Daughter, by Barbara Robinette Moss. It's the hard story of her impoverished childhood in the rural South. It was a life of want, malnutrition, violence, alcoholism, and the cruel taunting of schoolmates. But it's also a beautiful story of family love, brave and protective older brothers, a caring aunt, a fragile mother who did the best she could, and small sustaining acts of kindness from neighbors and strangers.

The laughter and caring shown among all the children in these daunting circumstances illustrates the tensile strength of family; its ability to provide nurturing for the spirit even in the most tragic of circumstances. Because there are few secrets here, and no place to hide, the acceptance is real.

One thing that is changing so rapidly as to threaten family structure is the role of each person. Traditionally, father earned, mother kept the home, and children did as they were told, growing into responsibility and maturity at a steady pace. Grandparents may have lived in the home, or nearby, and the occasional out of work uncle or the aunt needing refuge with her baby were taken in without question or reluctance. I don't know if it ever actually happened just that way, but that was the model.

Economic changes have made it necessary for both parents to work if they can find work, and children often go far away for schooling and to start their own families. In times of recession, however, the extended family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, still come home to roost. So who earns, who cares for the house, who cooks and shops, who drives to all the after school activities, who meets with the teacher?

Economic changes have made it necessary for both parents to work if they can find work, and children often go far away for schooling and to start their own families. In times of recession, however, the extended family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, still come home to roost. So who earns, who cares for the house, who cooks and shops, who drives to all the after school activities, who meets with the teacher?

In many cases, the answer is whoever is available. In a single-parent home, or a home with two adult partners, these decisions have to be made with an eye both to what's possible, and what's best for the young. That certainly doesn't make people less male or female, just more flexible.

We are in the process, as a culture, of redesigning the family structure, and each person's part in it and it's terribly important that we don't lose the good things in the process. The safety, security, acceptance, and nurturing that each person, and each child, especially, has the right to expect in the arms of the family is a cultural treasure well worth protecting.

Families are the places where we are formed, where we learn how to act in the world. If we are taught to limit our desires out of consideration for others, we become law-abiding. If we learn to do chores as a natural part of living, we learn to care for our planet as well. We learn how to act when health fails, what to do with both success and failure, and what's expected of us with regard to our neighbors. There is no greater service any parent can give to their community and nation than to raise children who question considerately, act intelligently, temper their wants out of regard for other's needs, and abide by rules, knowing that they can come together to change them when necessary.

We use to have family meetings quite frequently, and everyone had a say. We parents reserved the right to veto unaffordable or illegal suggestions, but otherwise,democracy was the rule. I hope you have considered a tradition like that in your own family. I trust you will bring to the next generation of family mutual respect, sound guidance, and a great, great deal of love and patience.

Workbook Questions:

1. Can values be taught in only one form of the family?
2. Think of the most cohesive, healthy family you know. How are the necessary roles and tasks organized?
3. What are the options for someone whose family is less than nurturing?
4. What can you do today to begin to raise that level of participation in all life has to offer?
5. Who do you admire that lives life to the fullest, and what can you learn from that person?

Adapted from: "Family", in Trapp, L.A. (2007. Letters to My Granddaughters; Insights and Inspiration for a life journey. Puerto Vallarta, Abbott Publications.

References:

Kavelin Popov, L., Popov, D., Kavelin, J. (1997). The Family Virtues Guide: Simple ways to bring out the best in our children and ourselves. New York, Penguin Group.
KMcGraw, P.C., (2005). Family First. Glencoe, Free Press.

About the Author:

Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp [1] is the author of Intentional Living; Lessons from the Tree of Life, and the award-winning Letters to My Granddaughters; Insights and Inspiration for a Life Journey. She is a former Dean at the California School of Professional Psychology, and has presented more than 3,000 seminars in the U.S. and abroad.