by Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D.
It seems that anger is a growing problem for many cultures worldwide. Whatever the causes, most people can use a few tips to help them control anger - either their own or their children's. These are some of the best ways to control your anger:
- Learn how to use the energy "rush" of anger in a positive way
- If something makes you angry, it's because you care- that's good!
- Habitual displays of anger shut down communication from others
- Anger management is a set of readily available skills, building on simple strategies like "time-out"
- Learn tactful, understanding responses that prevent confrontation from escalating
For starters, everyone gets angry, but as a society we pretend that only wicked people get angry, and in their out-of-control emotionality, they do terrible things. There isn't even a polite way to express anger. Anger is a little guilty secret that troubles nearly everyone, a universal emotion that no one seems to know how to handle properly.
Let's start by admitting that anger has its good, and useful, side. First, it tells you that you really care about whatever the subject is that has your blood boiling. If you don't care about something, are truly indifferent to it, it just can't make you angry! Secondly, anger presents you with an impressive burst of energy - lots of power to fix the problem, make a change, or solve a difficulty. But all we usually do with that energy burst is throw something and yell. So, again, here's a secret - a powerful resource at our disposal, if only we knew how to use it.
Third, anger is a very complicated thing. Sometimes it's connected with jealousy, with guilt, with frustrated wants, with fear, and with hurt. Sometimes it comes on quickly and sharply, other times it's more like a slow simmering. People have different levels of "normal" anger, the attitude they carry around all of the time. Those who are often impatient, frustrated, on their guard against being cheated, expecting bad things to happen, feeling watched all the time, those people carry a high level of anger, and it doesn't take much of an event to cause an explosion. Still others who are usually sad, jealous, resentful, disrespectful of others, insecure, and have feelings of worthlessness, also carry high levels of anger.
We know from medical research that making a habit of angry feelings is very unhealthy, leading to many potentially deadly diseases. Not only is habitual anger horrible for your own health, it's tough on all those around you, too. They will tiptoe around you, or avoid you altogether, fearing that any attempt at honest communication will trigger a war. They feel cheated out of a good relationship with you
People who cause this reaction in others have a harder time getting hired, are rarely included in invitations, and aren't sought out for leadership positions. And since they are ready to blame others for everything, they just take their isolation as proof that everyone's against them. What a sorry existence!
One sure sign of out of control anger is a temper tantrum. Have you ever had one of those? Did it help make the problem better? Probably not, if my experience is any guide. When I was little I had quite a temper, and my cousin Jack, a little younger than me, was often the victim of it. One time I even put him in a wheelbarrow and threw it off the garden wall!
Well, in spite of my temper, Jack survived and grew up - way up- he became over six feet tall. One summer not long after we were grown, I visited him at the family's cabin in the Adirondack Mountains, and he was so nice. He took me out in a canoe. Of course, half way across the lake, he stood up. That's an impressive sight, a six-footer standing in a canoe. He started to rock, and said very sweetly: "Linda, remember that wheelbarrow?" Was that lake ever cold! It seems it's true that what goes ‘round comes ‘round, and your behavior comes back to bite you!
If you ever, in anger, feel as if you're going to do something as foolish as throwing a person off the garden wall, maybe it would help you to know that there are some pretty fool-proof ways to manage anger. The most widely known, is of course, the time out. Count to ten, take a break, develop a sudden coughing fit and have to go get a drink of water. Give yourself some time to get your emotions back under control.
There are some other tips just as useful. Ask yourself how important, in the long run, that thing that's making you angry is. Will it matter terribly five years, weeks, or minutes from now? Getting some perspective helps you calm down. You can remind yourself that the person who is behaving in a way that you respond to with anger is probably doing and saying what seems best to them at that time. People can only behave in ways that are consistent with their knowledge and their desires, so maybe trying to understand that person's information and wants will help you be more compassionate and less angry.
Another very powerful strategy for managing anger is to strengthen yourself so that you're not so vulnerable to it. Take good care of your body, use mini-relaxations to help you think more clearly and less rigidly, practice meditation or prayer frequently, and set your mind on positive things to crowd out the negative.
Each and every time you find yourself becoming angry, stop and calmly decide whether you're going to allow that emotion to take control of your life, even for a few minutes. If the decision is no, then have some well-practiced, considerate responses ready to deflect the anger, both yours and the other person's. You might say, "My experience is different", or "You may be right, at that", or "I can see how you might feel that way".
None of these responses commits you to their viewpoint, nor do they insult the other person. If you decide that you want to experience and use the energy that anger gives you to make a bad situation better, then use all your skill for that purpose, rather than for destructive ends. In the long run, you'll be proud of yourself, others will be impressed, and you'll be developing rapidly in wisdom and understanding.
Workbook Questions:
- Have you been angry in the last week? The last 48 hours? Are you satisfied with how you dealt with that?
- If you wanted to take a "time-out" to calm yourself and think, would storming out of the room accomplish that? Why or why not?
- Do people with a "chip on their shoulder" have healthy self-esteem?
- What's the best example of anger management you have seen? What's the best strategy you have used, yourself?
- How can you turn anger into fuel for accomplishing your goals?
Adapted from: Anger. In L.A. Trapp. (2007). Letters to my granddaughters: Insights and inspiration for a life journey. (pp.59-61). Puerto Vallarta, Abbott Publications.
References:
Golleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York, Bantam Books, 1997.
Williams, Redford, and Williams, Virginia. Anger Kills. New York, Random House, 1993.
About the Author:
Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp [1] is the author of Intentional Living; Lessons from the Tree of Life, and the award-winning Letters to My Granddaughters; Insights and Inspiration for a Life Journey. She is a former Dean at the California School of Professional Psychology, and has presented more than 3,000 seminars in the U.S. and abroad.
Revised 11/3/2010 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.