by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Unfortunately, many families are going through similar things right now. Men often define their self-worth in terms of their work, and when that suffers a loss, they think they are failures. When any of us get repeatedly rejected, we are vulnerable to humiliation and despair. Men typically have a harder time finding words for stress and negative feelings, so they go unvoiced and misunderstood. Men also tend to express their emotions through action, fixing, and doing. When they experience connection to other by being top dog and suddenly find themselves on the bottom of the heap, they often don't know how to maintain their connections. They pull away and shut down. They feel alone, even when loved ones surround them.
Help Him Get Re-Connected
From your description, it does sound like Josh may be depressed, with the lack of motivation, appetite and over-sleeping. Helping him get connected to you again will probably be difficult, but there are some specific things you can try to find your way back to him.
- just "be" with him in a way that isn't critical, judging or belittling. sit with him and breathe at his rate. let him know with your tone, eye-contact, touch and presence that he is not alone. you are a team and you are with him, no matter what, and especially when he is miserable.
- defend him when he needs protection, from himself as well as others. don't let negative comments or judgments slide into conversations about him or with him. you are a fighting unit with a man down. you are a family and together you will survive.
- take care of business with a decisive, yet respectful hand. do what needs to be done without resenting him for his inactivity. take firm and loving action by calling your family physician.
Without mentioning any names, just ask the receptionist if the doctor treats depression and anxiety disorders. If not, ask who the doctor trusts most as a referral. You might need to call your insurance company to get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist who is covered by your plan. Most companies have websites now that you can check for names.
Speaking to Your Husband
When you speak with your husband about it, prepare him for the appointment by taking these steps:
Step 1. Waiting for the Right Time
Wait for one of his better moments, and ask him when he is available to discuss something important with you. Tell him you'll need no more than 15 minutes, but you'll be wanting his full attention.
Step 2. Get Clearance for Uninterrupted Speaking Time
If he wants to talk right then and there, tell him you would like to be able to speak your peace for the first few minutes and that you just want him to hear you out before he responds. You may want to let him know that no one has died or anything like that, but it is important to you that you get a chance to be fully heard. If he's not up for talking right then and needs to schedule a later time to talk, agree to whatever time he offers.
Step 3. Start the Conversation
When the appointed time arrives, go to him, remind his that it is time to talk and kindly ask his permission to be heard without interruption. Tell him that he'll get his turn to speak uninterrupted after you do, just so he knows you are bring fair. Wait for him to agree before proceeding. You want to set a good tone, so do whatever you normally do when you both are comfortable with each other. This is not the time to be stiff or formal.
Step 4. Put the Focus on the Job Loss
Start by sitting with him and saying something like this, using your kind and loving voice, "I love you very much and have gotten worried lately. I can only assume you've been down about the job situation and lack of new opportunities so far. I'm thinking you'll feel a lot better when you get a job. Am I right? Wait for him to answer.
Step 5. Inform Him
"Because we love each other, we don't need permission to get help for each other. I know for sure that you would get help for me if I were as down as you've been lately. I checked around and found that Dr. _____ treats depression and anxiety and I'm going to make an appointment for us both to go in together. What would be the best day for that appointment?
You are not asking him if he wants to go. The assumption in your approach is that he is going with you and the decision is already made. You are asking "when" and not "whether" he is going to join you.
Step 6. Be Loving yet Clear
If he flat out refuses, tell him that he doesn't have a choice. Soften your voice at this point, and make sure he hears your statement as kind and loving rather than stern. Say something like, "As your wife, I won't just stand around and watch you go through torture without doing what I can to help. You wouldn't let me or the boys suffer alone, and I'm not going to do that to you, either. We are a family and we're going to do this together, for the sake of all of us.
Step 7. Go by Yourself
He will probably go, but if he flat-out refuses, plan to go by yourself. In the moment of refusal, just be kind and drop the subject without recrimination. There's no need to threaten him in any way or say that you are going by yourself.
Call the names you were given by either your trusted doctor or your insurance company. Ask the doctor or receptionist to return your call at times that are most convenient to you, that is, if they are accepting new patients. When you have them on the phone, briefly explain your situation and ask them about their experience in working with husbands who are not seeking help. If they seem uncertain about how to handle it, disengage from the call and keep calling other doctors until you find one that you personally feel comfortable with. Make an appointment.
Be smart about it and pick a time that your husband can join you, if he changes his mind. When the appointment day arrives, tell him you are going to see that doctor you mentioned to him that other day, and that you "want him to join you just to get educated about what to do."
Men are usually geared toward action, so use verbs that are action-oriented, rather than "feeling" or "examining" or "discussing." You are going ... because you want to know what you and the boys can do to help. Tell him that you will be talking about him the whole time, so he might as well get up and come speak for himself.
Step 8. Maintain Your Stance, and Your Privacy
If you like the doctor, plan to go until this situation is resolved to your satisfaction. If you don't like the doctor, go see another one the very next week. Keep looking until you find one who earns your trust. You will know him or her when immediately.
If your husband continues to refuse to go with you, he is likely to ask what the doctor said at some point. When he does, tell him that she or he "had a lot of very helpful things to say" and made you understand a lot more about what you can do, like not take things personally. Avoid telling him too much. The more you say, the less he will need to go see what's happening for himself.
If he pushes to know what you told the doctor, don't, and I repeat, don't give him the details. If he wants to know, he can come next time, because you "liked the doctor so much" that you made another appointment.
Tell him that the doctor said it would be "a lot quicker and less expensive" if he would join you, but that, of course is up to him. Keep making appointments, inviting him, maintaining your privacy etc. as long as you are getting something useful out of it.
Step 9. Use the Doctor's Consultation Wisely
Get a plan and have the doctor guide you work through it. You do not need to stand by and helplessly watch your husband suffer. Yes, you can sit with him, be patient and not take it personally. You can also go get information and direction from an experienced and impartial professional who will help resolve this family crisis, with or without the active cooperation of your husband.
Step 10. Take Good Care of Yourself Physically
Avoid junk food and eat well during times like these. Get outside for a walk if your health can tolerate it. If your husband will join you, it is likely to do him a world of good as well. Regularly exercising your large muscle groups creates the body's own endorphins, which are very similar to anti-depressants. When we use those large muscles aerobically, we create our own defenses against anxiety and depression. A regular walk, run or any exercise program can stimulate the brain to start feeling well again.
Avoiding caffeine and any chemical stimulant is also well advised for most people who are anxious or depressed. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, so even drinking a single beer every day is like taking medication to BE more depressed. Sadly, many people drink more when they are depressed or anxious. They falsely think they are calming themselves down. Rather, they are adding fuel to the fire. Vitamin B's help strengthen the nervous system, in most people.
Your husband is lucky to have you. Keep fighting the good fight! Many depressed and anxious people are resistant to help at first. After a while, when they see their spouse make changes that improve their situation, they usually want to go see what that doctor is saying.
References:
Hart, Archibald D. Unmasking Male Depression. Thomas Nelson Publisher; (Jan 2, 2001). (This book is written from a strong Christian perspective, but has a very informative chapter about what wives can do. It is very practical and useful in general.)
Wexler, David B. Is He Depressed or What?: What to Do When the Man You Love Is Irritable, Moody, And Withdrawn. New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (January 2006)
About the Author:
Dr. Maheu [1] is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of "E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success" co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.
She has also been the lead author on these two books: "Infidelity on the Internet" and "The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies."