by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
In line with our previous article on the Cybersex Survey, Learn What Others Are Saying About Online Affairs: Early Survey Answers [1] the responses below are summarized and grouped according to in Favor of [2] and those opposed to Cybersex. These surveys led to a book about internet couples, published by Dr. Maheu and Rona Subotnik in 2001, entitled "Infidelity on the Internet".
Female
One of the disadvantages, that my boyfriend and I both agree on, is that the cybersex is very much readily available online, and we have already agreed that if or when we get married, we will not have any online services except maybe an internet provider.
Female
I would have thought that this would improve my relations with my husband, but this is not so at all. The only one I want to be with sexually is my e-mail lover.
Female
I was hurt severely by a "relationship I started with a man halfway across the nation. He died about a year after I got to know him, but I never met him. And, it turns out he lied about who he was. I loved him, but I don't even know who he was. It's been very confusing! That was more than a year ago, and it still hurts. The worst part is that he lied to me, which was easy to do over the computer and the phone.
Female
They are destructive to marital relationships. I left a 17- year marriage after having a cyberaffair that turned physical. Then, I proceeded to move into another relationship based on an Internet meeting which also, after living together for 1 yr., turned out to be abusive and full of problems. Still not having learned my lesson, I married someone I'd met on the Internet and only known for 2 weeks.
While the relationship is workable and a learning experience, it has still revealed that the person I thought I was marrying was not the "real" person. It is TOO easy to misrepresent oneself on the Internet & be whatever the other person wants. One initial encounter has ruined my previous marriage and sent me to hell and back in the last 3 years.
Even just casual chatting on the Internet causes problems between my current spouse and I. There is no explaining a different gender cyber friendship!! I would warn everyone to stay away from this avenue of expression. It is TOO easy to misrepresent oneself on the Internet and be whatever the other person wants.
Male
I didn't exactly have an affair, I was single at the time. I had been interacting via e-mail with a woman. Nothing very sexually explicit. We had business in the same state one week last year so we agreed to meet. I expected the worst and I wasn't let down either.
The person was very overweight and not very attractive. I was polite and never lead her on but needless to say, she had the expectation of something more. She had not misrepresented herself but she was somewhat nonspecific and elusive on the net reguarding her physical appearence. My point is that I feel this cyber-sex thing is real pandora's box. I was able to disengage myself cleanly from my first and last experience.
Male
It is too easy to compare your cyperspace person who seems perfect to an imperfect relationship that you would have face to face. For example, you never can really tell if a cyperspace person has a bad temper or is annoying. All you see is type and not the personal emotions attached. I feel it may make a person compare relationships even when they are not even close to being comparable.
Male
Cybersex is a major threat to the primary relationship. It can serve only to weaken the real relationship.
Female
Engaging in alternative types of sex, like CyberSex, only continues to wear away at the foundation of marriage and families today.
Male
People are people, and just because you don't meet this person you are having an affair with face to face, does not mean that an emotional investment will not occur. Actually an emotional investment is more likely to occur because the only way you interact as an internet couple is through that fantasy filter through which you see your lover though. A filter you will never see the warts your lover may have.
Male
Cybersex can be easy or hard, fast or slow, long-term or short-term, but it can never be real... there's no touching to convey love, no kissing to convey emotion, no hugging to show one really cares.
Female
I think cybersex also contributes mightily to other avoidance behaviors, i.e. avoidance of real relationship issues. From that perspective, cybersex is not "safe." Cybersex has been in our "face" in our marriage for the last four months. Compounded by the lying and cover ups it entailed, the fabric of trust was torn. It hurt me tremendously; it numbed him, distorted his focus and his deep involvement with it was the first true threat to our marriage in nine years.
Male
There might be a dangerous temptation to treat cybersex as a game -- as if you were interacting with a piece of artificial intelligence software. These are early days, and a close eye should be kept on any emerging patterns and psychological problems associated with cybersex.
Female
This is a serious threat to marriages, it has affected mine tremendously. I had no idea of what I was getting into and had no idea of the damage, especially since I never even had a desire to look at another person during my marriage of 18 years. It's addictive, I neglected my family.
My husband wants to hear nothing about the good of internet, all is bad to him, it has affected his sleep, but I have stopped "chatting." As a matter of fact you are the first email I have done since November1995, and it is without my husband's consent or knowledge I write, it's just so important to get out the word of the damage that can be done.
Female
If such activity is to find a relationship, I would guess that the individual is rather timid and lacking in confidence because they are opting for the distance and safety of cyberspace as opposed to "the real thing," up close, and personal. Again, my opinion, I think such games are somewhat dangerous because both the real rewards and the real consequences of a behavior are avoided.
A false sense of security, as it were. To truly learn, grow, and "live" isn't it required that some part of our "real" self be involved? I hate to think that we've become such pansies as a species that all of the activities that should make us delight in being alive (adventure, human contact, sex, etc.) are being sought in the emotional void of cyberspace in place of venturing out into the much more threatening, if more rewarding space of the real world.
Female
It is safe in terms of STD avoidance. But I think cybersex also contributes mightily to other avoidance behaviors. i.e. avoidance of real relationship issues and from that perspective, internet couples are not "safe." I call it a mask, a great mask -- for masking everything, for disallowing responsibility, for disavowing values. It's all so "easy" to be self-indulgent; it looks like no consequences, but believe me, the real life consequences are as painful as any real life affair or infidelity can be.
About the Author:
Dr. Maheu [3] is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of "E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success" co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.
She has also been the lead author on these two books: "Infidelity on the Internet" and "The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies."