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Long Distance Care for Aging Parents
by Emily Carton, MA, LISW
I suggest you begin by being candid with your parents about your concerns. Depression is a serious illness and can be treated. You need to stress that depressive illness does not have the negative connotation that it once did.
Are there people (friends, clergy, or anyone who you can identify) who live near them and whom they might listen to? Would they accept having someone come to talk with them? A very caring and loving approach should be attempted first -- sometimes just saying "I need you to do this for me" can make a parent feel that they are acting on your behalf. Is there a physician with whom you can speak? Would they go and see him or her?
Every state has a Department of Aging, which can provide the names of social service agencies that are nearest to your parents. There are also private care managers who have specific expertise in the area of geriatrics and who can provide more specific services.
If your parents have a religious affiliation there are social services agencies specifically for people of Jewish, Catholic, and other religious and ethnic backgrounds. It is very useful to get a full assessment by someone who can provide a care plan that would identify needs and services.
Someone who lives in the area needs to begin the slow process of developing a relationship with your parents so that he/she can be your eyes and ears and also develop trust with your parents. Long distance caring is not easy.
But if you find someone who can be there when you are not, it will ease your mind by providing the support your parents need when you are not there.
A good geriatric care manager or social worker will have various ways of approaching your parents. They are well trained and knowledgeable about working with reluctant clients.
Talk with someone for more specific advice about how to encourage your parents to get the help. This will help you, and your parents, as well. If they still refuse, you will know that you have done everything that you can.
Children of Aging Parents: 800-227-7294 Eldercare Locator 800-667-1116
About the Author:
Emily Carton MA, LISW is a licensed social worker who specializes in working with older people.
Revised 9/17/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
My parents were in their 40's when they had me. I'm the only one (daughter). They have been very clingy my whole life. I'm 44,divorced,no kids, and have fibromyalgia, major depression and almost daily migraines, etc.
I live 11 feet from my father who has early dementia and depression. My Mother has Alzheimer's and has been in a nursing home for 5 yrs. She still knows me. My Dad doesn't go out at all, has about given up on life.
I have a terrible time emotionally visiting Mom. At best I go once a week so GUILT is my constant companion. I don't do near enough for my Dad but I do have all the services he qualifies for coming.
They are the nicest, most generous parents but fully expect all I do for them and more. I have so many conflicting emotions and anger,resentment etc. Not much energy left over for my own life. I am in therapy though.
I always wonder about other people in my situation.