Self-help Articles

by John Suler, Ph.D.

Although the internet may be one way adolescents attempt to establish themselves as separate, unique individuals who have a social world of their own, that doesn't mean parents shouldn't be involved. Exactly the opposite is true. Parents seriously need to be VERY involved with their online teen.

As is true of all adolescent activities, teens need at least SOME supervision to stay on track and avoid trouble. Some parents fall into the trap of a benign neglect. "My kids have to learn about computers. They have to keep up with the other kids. If they're sitting there typing away, it must be a good thing... so I'll just leave them alone."

But getting involved doesn't just mean supervising in order to avert trouble. The computer and cyberspace also can become an excellent way for parents and adolescents to have fun together, to get to know each other better. There will be a part of the adolescent -- maybe even a part that they try to hide -- that will love this.

Get knowledgeable and join in: To be most effective in supervising the adolescent's cyberspace activities, the parent needs to know something about the topic. You don't have to become a hacker yourself, but read up on the topic. Discuss it with other parents.

Better yet, explore the Internet yourself. Better still, talk to your kids about their web pages and where they like to hang out online. Cruise web sites together. Use a search engine to find people with your same last name. Build a web page for your family. Even hang out with your child and their friends in a chat room (for a short period of time, if they can tolerate your presence!). There are many possibilities. Just ask your teen what she wants to show you.

Talk to them: The old warning "Do you know where your children are?" applies to the internet as well as to the real world. Ask them about their internet use. What web sites are they visiting?

To avoid an accusatory tone, ask them what web sites they LIKE and why. Sit down with them at the computer and let them take you to their internet hangouts. Be curious, in a parental but congenial sort of way.

Ask them about their online friends, what they talk about, what they do on the internet. Avoid interrogation. Instead, show them that you are interested in knowing more about their friends. If they have pictures of their friends on their web pages, ask if you can click on them to learn more about them.

Acknowledge the good and the bad: Don't vilify everything electronic -- that will only alienate your teenager. Talk about both the pros and cons. Show an acceptance of their media-rich life, but ask how they plan to handle some of the dangers and what steps they will take if they encounter unsavory situations or people.

Make the computer visible: Privacy is a tricky balancing act with the adolescent. They want and need some, but the parent must weigh that demand against the necessity of supervising their activities. Generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to avoid placing the fully-equipped computer in a teen's bedroom with a closed door. Makign sure the screen faces the door and leaving that door open is best. The "open door policy" is one that has worked successfully for millions of parents and teens.

Open doors with visible computer screens that you can see whenever you walk by makes supervision a lot easier, and it also encourages responsible computer use.

Stop in every once in a while to inquire about what's happening in this intriguing little world of theirs. If they suddenly quit the program as you walk in, you know something is up. It may not be anything serious, but it's worth talking about.

You can also insist that your teen make visible the "browser history" on whatever program they use to go online. (That program is called their "browser".) So if you suddenly see the page change when you walk down their hallway or into their room, you can ask to see the last page they visited by simply clicking on the field where the web address resides.

If properly set, it will list dozens of their recently viewed sites, in order of viewing. With two clicks, you'll know exactly where they just were visiting. If you don't know what I just described, ask them. They are guaranteed to know.

Set reasonable rules: Parents don't let their kids stay out all night, watch any movie they want, or drive anywhere they want. Adolescents need rules. In fact, believe it or not, they secretly WANT rules so they don't feel out of control and unprotected by a seemingly uncaring parent. Set limits on when (e.g., after homework) and how much time they can spend socializing and entertaining themselves online. Create rules about what exactly they can and can't do on the Internet.

Encourage a balance: The Internet is great, but there's more to life than that. Encourage the adolescent to stay involved in "real world" activities too. If there's something they really enjoy on the Internet, find a way to expand that activity into their in-person life.

Use the Internet for school projects. Talk on the phone or do something together in-person with your good (trustworthy) online friends. If they enjoy role-playing on websites, encourage them to get involved in theater.

The goal is to avoid letting your teen isolate the Internet from the rest of their life. Instead, the goal is to let them enjoy the media they need to use to stay connect and fit in with their peers, but INTEGRATE it into their overall life. Social networking and web page design is fine, as long as they have non-media related activities too.

Software controls: Although there are a variety of commercial programs that can be used to monitor and control the adolescents activities online, they are not recommended by most psychologists.

These programs can keep a record of web sites they visit, block access to particular web sites or programs, prevent files from being downloaded, and set limits on when and for how much time the internet is being used. The problem is that your teen can probably figure a way around them, or simply go down the street to a friend's house, where there are no such controls. Teach your kids to talk to you, not hide from you.

Of course, if parents wants to install such programs they have to be fairly knowledgeable about computers. The programs aren't perfect either. There are loopholes, and a technically sophisticated adolescent will be able to defeat them. Probably the last thing a parent wants is an ongoing technical battle of wits with their child. If that happens, something has gone awry.

Intervening with addiction: In her book, Dr. Kimberly Young describes some strategies for parents who need to help their children who have fallen into excessive internet use. Don't try to take the computer away or ban them from using it. This strategy can backfire.

Show your caring for the teenager's predicament. Assign an Internet time log. Don't enable teens by making excuses for them when they miss school or their grades start falling. Tolerate their emotional outbursts when you try to intervene, and stand your ground despite their emotions. If all else fails, seek the help of a professional counselor -- ideally, someone who knows something about normal Internet use.

Discipline misbehavior/encourage humaneness: Most parents apply punishment when a child misbehaves in the real world. The same should be true of their online misconduct. If a parent discovers that an adolescent is harassing others online or attempting to hack online systems (a phone call from the administrators of the system or online community can be an eye-opener!), discipline is in order.

Parents should try not to fall into the attitude of "Oh, it's just an online game. It doesn't really matter." It does matter.

It's not a good idea to let adolescents treat other people online as if they are not really people. If a teen can apply compassion for others even in the anonymous world of the Internet, they can apply it anywhere in life.

(Advertisement) Resources:
Many issues related to managing teens online and the latest research is very well discussed by Dr. Larry Rosen in a 2008 TeleWorkshop through SelfhelpMagazine. Find out what your teen is doing online by asking. Don't sneak around. Listen to SelfhelpMagazine's FREE podcasts about this topic, or order their audio download and eBook.

About the Author:

John Suler, Ph.D. is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.