SelfhelpMagazine

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Therapist Characteristics

There are many good therapists who feel it is important to avoid giving their clients personal information. Therefore, do not assume that a therapist who will not answer personal questions is a bad therapist! What you need to do is decide whether your choice of a therapist will depend on that person's willingness to answer personal questions.

You may want your therapist to have specific personal characteristics. For instance, whether the therapist is a man or a woman is often important to people. Other personal characteristics that may be important to you are: age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, marital or relationship status, whether the therapist has children, or spiritual affiliation.

It is important to remember that there are both advantages and disadvantages to having a therapist who is like you in certain ways. For instance, if you and the therapist are both divorced women with children, your therapist may be able to easily understand some of your concerns.

However, she will also need to remember that her experience and yours are not necessarily the same. On the other hand, a single woman without children may be a very well-trained therapist who is sensitive to your issues.

A Note on Dual Relationships

It is unethical for a psychotherapist to have a 'dual relationship' with a client. This means the therapist should have no relationship with you in addition to having you as a client. Specifically, the therapist should not be your employer, supervisor, spouse, lover, relative, or friend.

There is a very good reason for this prohibition. No matter how hard your therapist works to give you choices and control in therapy, you will always be more vulnerable than the therapist. This is inevitable. You are there to work on your concerns, so the therapist is going to know much more about you than you will about the therapist.

Since you will be the more vulnerable one in the relationship, it is important that you believe the therapist's primary concern is to help you.

If your therapist has any relationship with you in addition to the therapeutic one, that additional relationship can interfere with your therapy. If, for example, the therapist hires you to paint the therapist's office and then complains about your work, how will that make you feel about the therapist's ability to help you?

Also, if the therapist is angry about the paint job, how can that anger be separated from the therapist's feelings about you as a client? This example is a simple one: dual relationships become even more complicated if the therapist is also a relative or a lover. No responsible therapist will agree to see you as a client if you already have a relationship with that person. No responsible therapist will try to start any additional relationship with you while you are a client.

Where To Find A Therapist

There is no one best place to find a therapist. Here are some places to check:

• Physicians
• Word of Mouth/Friends
• Referral Lines
• Ads
• Community Organizations and Centers
• Religious/Spiritual Organizations
• School Counselors
• Community Mental Health Centers
• University Clinics

After The First Session

The first session with a therapist should always be a consultation, with no commitment by you or the therapist to continue if either of you feels you will not be able to work together. After the first session, ask yourself if you felt safe, if you felt like you were treated with respect, if you felt listened to.

Ask yourself if you are willing to talk with the therapist about your concerns and if you feel the two of you can work together. If the answer to any of these questions is "no," you have two choices.

You may decide to tell the therapist what you did not like or feel good about and see how you feel about the response you get. On the other hand, you may want to schedule a consultation with one or more other therapists and then select the one you prefer.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.