SelfhelpMagazine

by Dr. Al Cooper and Dr. Coralie Scherer

You and your partner are experiencing a very common but frustrating couples pattern--the pursuer/distancer dynamic. One person feels deprived, needy and frustrated (read furious for some) at being shut out while the other feels badgered, harassed, overwhelmed and turned off.

Like a relentless otter, the pursuer is all over the distancer, who, like a clam, has snapped shut, refusing to budge. The first thing that needs to happen is to break the stalemate: no sex until some trust can be reestablished between you two. Set aside some time to really talk with each other about what is going on.

Spend time understanding your family backgrounds and the different meanings that love and sex hold for each of you. Next, build trust: become comfortable with saying and hearing NO so that you don't fear destroying or being destroyed by each other. Learn and accept that touch does not necessarily have to lead to sex; find as many non sexual ways to expand your repertoire of expressing and reassuring each other of your care, affection, and love as possible.

Then, gradually build a system of communicating when you want physical contact, and how to speed up or slow things down between the two of you until you are making love when and in the way you both want. See O'Connor article, "Seven Weeks to Sexual Heaven" for one way to move along. As that otter gets reassurance it is loved and begins to back off, the clam trustingly relaxes and welcomingly slides open its shell.

About the Author:

Dr. Al Cooper, was the clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737) and ran the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper was internationally known for his work in sexuality.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.