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Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse:
Advice for Adult Survivors
by Wendy Maltz, LCSW
Like Tina and Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. And it's no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition---an attack on a person's sexuality.
Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.
When you were sexually abused -- whether you suffered a gentle seduction by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger -- your view and experience of your sexuality were effected by what happened to you.
The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.
What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse? The ten most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:
- avoiding or being afraid of sex
- approaching sex as an obligation
- experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
- having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
- feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
- experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
- engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
- experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
- experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
- experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties
What is sexual healing? Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.
Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.
There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called "relearning touch techniques." These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.
You don't need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.
Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:
1. Learn about healthy sexuality.
A first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, "bad" "dirty" "overwhelming" "frightening" "hurtful" and "secretive" to describe sex, you need to realize that these are descriptive of "sexual abuse." "Healthy sexuality" is something very different. It is characterized by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment.
In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.
2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you.
We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else's use. Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future.
You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.
3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem.
You can't build a new foundation for healthy sex until you've gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you don't want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent/degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. If you can't do it on your own, seek help from 12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.
4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch.
Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective, results of trauma -- years later --they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle them effectively.
When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time as you become more aware of and responsive to them.
5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques.
You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the "relearning touch" techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from which to choose as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch exercises on your own, while others require a partner. Detailed descriptions of the exercises can be found in my book, The Sexual Healing Journey, and my video, "Relearning Touch".
These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities. When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.
You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment, emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.
References:
Maltz, Wendy and Suzie Boss. (1998). In the garden of desire: Women's sexual fantasies as a pathway to passion and pleasure. New York: roadway Books.
Maltz, Wendy and Beverly Holman. (1987). Incest and sexuality: A guide o understanding and healing. San Francisco, CA: Josey-Bass/Lexington Books.
Maltz, Wendy. (1988). Identifying and treating the sexual repercussions of incest: A couples therapy approach. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 14, (2) (Summer): 142-170.
Maltz, Wendy with Steve Christiansen and Gerald Joffee. (1988 video) Partners in healing: Couples overcoming the sexual repercussions of incest. Eugene, Ore.: Independent Video Services, (800) 678-3455.
Maltz, Wendy with Steve Christiansen and Gerald Joffee. (1995 video) Relearning touch: Healing techniques for couples. Eugene, Ore.: Independent Video Services, (800) 678-3455.
Maltz, Wendy. (1992). The sexual healing journey: A guide for survivors of sexual abuse. New York: Harper Perennial.
Maltz, Wendy. (1995). The maltz hierarchy of sexual interaction. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 2, no. 1: 5-18.
Maltz, Wendy. (1996). Passionate hearts: The poetry of sexual love. Novato, CA: New World Library.
About the Author:
Wendy Maltz, LCSW is an internationally recognized conference presenter, workshop trainer, and public speaker with more than 20 years of clinical experience treating sex and sexual abuse concerns. She is author of numerous sexuality books including the groundbreaking The Sexual Healing Journey. She has produced two highly acclaimed videos for couples on sexual healing techniques. Maltz is codirector, with her husband Larry, of Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, Oregon.
Revised 1/22/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
I am alone and have lived this way for a very long time. I have trust issues. Others have always let me down, mostly those that are closest. They failed when I needed their support. They were weak and covered my pain in denial. Them it was too hard to step up, so they simply lied thinking they had the power to make it disappear unit they forgot it.
They were so selfish with their cover-up that I became victimized twice: once by my molester and then by my family labeling a liar. Everything that followed that day when he was finally stopped, I was made to pay. There was nothing I could do or say that wasn't challenged or dismissed. My self confidence had been corrupted and taken when I was just 6 years old.
When I was 6 i was raped by my neighbor who was 16. Then when I got older I was raped again by my ex-stepbrother.
I hated being touched, by anyone, even my mom.
I found that writing about it helps a lot. So for my English class that is exactly what I did:
There is a point in one’s life when someone, like a family member or friend, will cause one great pain. One has to be careful and learn that no human is to be trusted. My personal demon follows me day and night. It reminds me of this event. It tells me that I’m at fault. It likes to see me hurt! Now, my demon would like to take over. It will turn my brain to a pulp, and take control of my typing fingers.
“She was so young and naïve. She never expected her older step brother, whom she loved and trusted, to violate her like that.”
“It was a normal summer day: very hot. She was, in fact, on her way home from the neighborhood pool. The air was dry and thin; it made it hard to breathe climbing up the steep hill to her house at the very top. When she got inside the house she went straight to her room. As she climbed the carpeted steps, she stopped at the second flight to acknowledge the upstairs of her house. The landing was rectangular. On the left wall was her mother’s room, and straight in front of her was a bathroom. On the right, there were two bedrooms. Hers was closest to the bathroom, and her brother’s bedroom was nearest to the staircase. In between their rooms was the laundry area. She walked into her room and began playing with her Bratz dolls. She was brushing her favorite one’s blonde hair when all of a sudden her brother came in the room and dragged her down the two flights of stairs and into the garage.”
“She remembered the chill of the cement floor against her bare feet and remembered how it stung. She could feel the dirt collecting to the bottoms of her feet as she was forcefully guided toward the tan and red floral couch. Her brother looked very cold, his face was hard and his features were more intense and sharply cut than normal. He didn’t seem angry but more so like an addict who hasn’t had a hit in a while. He seemed strained and exhausted. They sat in silence for what seemed like eternity, and then her brother spoke.”
“‘If you tell your Mom or my Dad what I am about to do, you’ll be in really big trouble! Your Mom will not want you anymore. You’re very young, but when you’re older you are going to need to know how to do this.’ He presented this statement with an evil smirk and continued his threat by taking off his garments, followed by hers as well. That was the day he took his sister’s innocence away.”
“She didn’t know what he was doing, but she knew it was wrong. She felt embarrassed, ashamed and dirty. ‘This isn’t something a brother is supposed to do with his sister; this is something parents do when they’re in love,’ she thought. Then the tears began to stream down her pale face, and she felt her eyes swelling up. This meant, when it was all over, her eyes would be red too.”
“When he stopped, he just left her there on the couch weeping. She was lying in the fetal position holding her knees so tight to her chest that she almost couldn’t breathe. When she stood up she felt dizzy and frail. She took a few steps and heard something wet on the ground; she looked down to see a small trail of blood that was dripping down from between her legs. She then ran to her room and continued to cry.”
“She never told anyone, not even her mom until this past year at the age of sixteen. She let this boy control her life for years when he never even cared about her. I’m sure he can’t even remember her name. HA! She is letting him win! I am her constant reminder of the pain! I make her feel worthless, ugly and small. I whisper in her ear at night that the only way to cope is to pick up the blade again. Oh, that knife, she knows how it feels. She knows that once she places that cold steel to her wrists that everything will go away. All the pain and memories will be covered by her blood! This event is consuming her pathetic life! Where is her God now?”
Sometimes, I still feel like it was my fault. I still believe in God, and I know just as there is good in the world, there is evil, but sometimes I get flustered with Him and ask, “Why didn’t you stop my brother the moment he the thought of raping me?” Yes I am saved, but often the thought of the event still comes to my attention.
I’ve convinced myself on numerous occasions that I have given all my troubles and burdens to Christ. Obviously that’s not true. It’s not true because my demon still reminds me. The dirty, pathetic lies It whispers in my ears seep into my brain, and I become a different person. I begin to feel sympathy for myself because It makes me feel like no one cares. It tells me no one can hear my hollow screams of agony. I also begin to feel resentment and hate. The rage inside me boils in my blood and the pressure becomes so intense that I need a way to escape. That’s when that thing tries to be my friend. “Pick up the knife you ugly whore!” It says.
I know I need to find a better way. I can’t continue to hurt myself. Yes, cutting numbs that ache for a little while, but then the healing process begins: from fresh wound, to scab, to scar. Even when my demon leaves I will still have the scars to remind me.
Honestly though, I am a lot better. I have a new boyfriend and we've been dating for almost a year. He makes me feel safe and secure. When we did sexual things though it used to be because I felt like I needed to please him. I told him that and then we stopped for a while, and only when I truly wanted to do something, we would. He respects me and that has helped me a lot.
LOL, wtf man
well im trying to heal from what happend i was only 4 when i was taken away from my innocense i hated every guy alove and to this day im scared of guys.this husts cause its hard for me to have a healthy relationship with my guy in my life but this is always in the way i tend to tense up when i get touched by anyone.i wont ever get close to anyone and cant stand affection because i feel like its wrong.my first step so far is hugs i really dont hug and got told i cant hug cause i get more a back pat and only embrace for a short period before they can embrace me i want to heal up but i cant......
This just goes to show; it's largely about boundaries. If one has a bad reaction to something - when one's own boundaries are transgressed it is disturbing. When one's boundaries are not offended then one often has a good experience.
Hello, I was raped by my older brother from the age of 5 to 10. I am 31 and am in the process of sexual healing. To those out who may read this and are survivors, please be patient, and loving with yourself, you are not alone.
Thank you.
I am a 36 year old bisexual cross dresser. I was four when my fourteen year old foster brother started having me give him oral sex. Unlike a lot of victims I read about, I actually enjoyed what happened to me and have no regrets about it, just some very fond memories. I loved the feeling of his penis and, most of all, him ejaculating in my mouth. To me it was heavenly, the taste, texture, and warmth, was very comforting to me.