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Lasting Too Long: Delayed Ejaculation
by Al Cooper, Ph.D. and Coralie Scherer, Ph.D.
Those numerous men having trouble getting and keeping their erections may pray for their recalcitrant member to bisect the horizon from dawn till dusk and then some. But watch for what you pray for. There is a segment of the brotherhood of men who have been there and wish they could be done with it. Men who are unable to ejaculate during intercourse or in some cases, during any sexual activity in the presence of a partner, can suffer such frustration and embarrassment that they may wind up turned off to sex altogether.
A recent large survey found that 8% of men surveyed acknowledged having the experience of not being able to reach orgasm during intercourse at least once in the preceding year with many of those stating that it is an ongoing problem. An occasional misfire is a blip on the screen of one's sexual life -- no big deal. But when you keep lighting the fuse and don't get the fireworks -- well it's a problem. So what is a guy to do?
Never fear -- this is a problem with solutions. First, which head needs to be treated? If you can ejaculate during masturbation then there's a pretty good chance that the plumbing is hooked up and working right -- right?
If you are having problems, even on your own, then there are some things to consider to help you sort out possible physical and psychological factors -- and you may need some professional help to do this.
Do you have a medical condition, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or allergies? Are you taking medications for these or for anxiety or depression? Sometimes medications to treat such conditions have side effects that result in delayed ejaculation. If your problem coincided with the start of a new medication then make a beeline to your physician to discuss possibilities of substituting your medications for ones which mess less with the equipment.
Have you had prostate surgery? If so, you may remember being warned about the possibility of a "dry" or retrograde ejaculation. In this case the ejaculatory fluid goes into the bladder instead of out the urethra. Although this is a permanent condition orgasms are still possible. A thorough evaluation and discussion with your physician or a medical specialist, such as a urologist, can either help you rule out or begin making health decisions that are sex-friendly.
If you have not had any health changes and/or this has been a longstanding (so to speak) problem, that has slowly gotten worse, then a different strategy is called for. In that case your Energizer Bunny imitation (goes on and on and on) may be caused by any number of anxiety-related concerns. Some men have conscious and unconscious worries that block their ejaculations.
They may worry about hurting the woman, about pregnancy, or they may have guilt about having sexual pleasure (often religious injunctions). They may have difficulties with intimacy and/or commitment. They may also be haunted by that nemesis of sexual dysfunctions -- performance anxiety. In other words, they are just plain trying too hard. In these instances the man is so concerned about giving his partner pleasure that he loses track of his own.
Some men have a need for more vigorous touch to have orgasm than is offered by the ever so pleasurable but soft and yielding vagina. These situations can be remedied with the following exercises. But sometimes when the problem has been around for a long time or the couple is locked in chronic patterns and impasses, the guidance of an experienced sex therapist that help the couple explore these issues and help them focus on pleasure, arousal and nondemanding touch.
The following five step set of exercises should help you on your way. If you are asking how much time to spend on each step or how long others take to "finish" the steps see the above reference to performance anxiety. Each person and each couple has a unique pace. The goal is to be able to build trust, lower anxiety, and relax with your partner -- you have a lifetime to get to know and give pleasure to each other.
Step 1.
The resolution begins with you talking with your partner about your concerns and admitting that it's a problem. It's amazing how frequently a man who has not ejaculated with his partner for years has somehow convinced her, and even himself, that the status quo is just fine. Orgasm may not be everything -- but it is also not nothing!
Step 2.
After acknowledging and discussing the situation, the next major step is just as critical, and can be just as embarrassing -- masturbating to ejaculation with your partner present (which, as noted above, is possible in the vast majority of non-medical cases). After you are successful with that the rest is cake.
Step 3.
Once you can relax enough to ejaculate with her present, simply substitute her hand for yours (i.e., allowing someone else to have that control).
Step 4.
The next stage involves gradually ejaculating closer and closer to the vaginal opening.
Step 5.
Finally, when you are comfortable with this and ready for the final stage tell your partner to pick a time, without telling you, and wait until you are very close to orgasm then she should insert the penis and let nature take its course. Voila!
A few final tips to maximize your success. First, do not masturbate without your partner once you start this sequence, because as you know, the more you ejaculate the lower your urgency and need becomes. Second, many men report that tensing and relaxing the muscles in their buttocks as they near orgasm can help trigger the contractions of ejaculation, so dust off the old Buttmaster.
Next use a lot of lubrication both pre- and post-penetration. Finally, if the reason for you confronting this problem is to get your partner pregnant, agree to put off conceiving a child until at least three months following your completion of the above sequence. For many men there is nothing that immobilizes that sperm like the prospect of Daddyhood.
It may be hard to admit there is a problem with delayed ejaculation but it is a problem that rarely resolves by itself. Don't delay.
About the Author:
Dr. Al Cooper, was the clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737) and ran the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper was internationally known for his work in sexuality.
Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.
Revised 1/22/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Hi,
I am an 18 year old male, and have had two sexual partners. Both of which I encountered this problem.
Upon losing my virginity, I took 45 minutes to finish, with my records 'without going during sex' was a ridiculous 5 hours.
I did however figure out a way that helped somewhat. So I am writing here just to give ideas to you guys struggling with this problem.
A few ideas:
A way of becoming a 'marathon man' (Which is what we are), is when masturbating, via porn or whichever means, is using a certain muscle to STOP the climax, thereby making it more intense. (This is the same muscle you use to stop urination if you need to stop suddenly.)
Whilst this can be good to make the orgasm more intense during masturbation, I found personally this was a direct link to my problems when having sex.
This also is FURTHER intensified by the factor of your hands grip being much tighter than that of the vaginal walls, and ALSO being rougher (bones, not as soft).
I personally have never used lube, however some swear by it for masturbation reasons.
Complete stopping of masturbation I found did not help it very much, but did help with arousal.
The method in which I helped myself with this (still last 30-50 minutes, which is a perfect time I think for both.), is to make your masturbation shorter, or if that is not the problem, to not use the muscle in your penis to stop from orgasm to 'intensify' the orgasm.
I believe this 'muscle' to intensify your orgasm is best used during sex, as it will intensify it, make it happen, and at the PERFECT moment- with someone special.
Hope this helps someone :)
-Tyler
im a attractive young 18year old guy who suffers from this exact problem, i can masturbate but cant orgasm during sex even after hours of intercourse, the hole thing has put me of sex despite offers of sex from different women on a weekly basis, its just the embarisment of jumping into bed and not being able to orgasm! its a big stress on my life and everyone is starting to think im gay.... :(
Hey fellas. Im 20 years old, ive been sexually active for 2 years now, and ive been experiencing this problem since the beginning. Masturbation = no problem. Intercourse, not that great. I do "come" from time to time, but it takes a lot of time, and i really have to work for it. I have read all there is to read about this, and ive thought about it from sunset to sunrise time and time again. I am not taking any kinds of medicine, and im in very good shape. I am now doing something like Dr. George said. I have stopped masturbating, though I haven't withstood from sex yet. If it doesnt work out, ill try not even thinking about my dick for 2 months and then going back to sex. I've allways been interested in pleasuring my partner, and ive allways held her needs over mine. I think this could be one issue. But I am 99% sure that masturbation is the main problem. The speed and feel of the hand is just so different from the elegant touch of the vagina that its just obvious that this is part of the problem. Also, it is very important not to let the fact that you know you suffer from a problem make the problem prolong. AFter this happens a few times, you will of course start worring about it happening again. But you have to be able to forget it. As soon as you lie there with your girl, forget about the past. I have allways had the self irony to laugh about things like this. Not getting it up for example, ive had more fun with that then anythings else. (Suffered from a period of Erectile dysfunction after having mononucleose.) I have learned to meditate, and im combining it with yoga. If you learn to let your mind slow down, and just BE, instead of trying to be by processing every feeling and every thought, you should also be able to let the earlier episodes go.
I hope this is of help to you guys! I will post again in a few weeks if I find this method is showing progress!
Also, no porn. Its an addictive, missleading and fictional invetion.
Hey fellas. Im 20 years old, ive been sexually active for 2 years now, and ive been experiencing this problem since the beginning. Masturbation = no problem. Intercourse, not that great. I do "come" from time to time, but it takes a lot of time, and i really have to work for it. I have read all there is to read about this, and ive thought about it from sunset to sunrise time and time again. I am not taking any kinds of medicine, and im in very good shape. I am now doing something like Dr. George said. I have stopped masturbating, though I haven't withstood from sex yet. If it doesnt work out, ill try not even thinking about my dick for 2 months and then going back to sex. I've allways been interested in pleasuring my partner, and ive allways held her needs over mine. I think this could be one issue. But I am 99% sure that masturbation is the main problem. The speed and feel of the hand is just so different from the elegant touch of the vagina that its just obvious that this is part of the problem. Also, it is very important not to let the fact that you know you suffer from a problem make the problem prolong. AFter this happens a few times, you will of course start worring about it happening again. But you have to be able to forget it. As soon as you lie there with your girl, forget about the past. I have allways had the self irony to laugh about things like this. Not getting it up for example, ive had more fun with that then anythings else. (Suffered from a period of Erectile dysfunction after having mononucleose.) I have learned to meditate, and im combining it with yoga. If you learn to let your mind slow down, and just BE, instead of trying to be by processing every feeling and every thought, you should also be able to let the earlier episodes go.
I hope this is of help to you guys! I will post again in a few weeks if I find this method is showing progress!
Also, no porn. Its an addictive, missleading and fictional invetion.
Hi there,
Sadly, I believe I suffer from the same as rest of you. I'm a perfectly healthy 19 year old male who's been sexually active for about 3 years now. I've had multiple partners however I have only achieved ejaculation twice. I can keep on going for hours and hours and sometimes I get so close, yet I just can't make that final step to ejaculating.
I spoke to a friend once but sadly he wasnt able to give me any advice. However he did suddenly understand why when we go out, I dont go for the girls as much as my other mates do. Yes, it might sound kind off childish but hey, i'm still young. Whilst at the age of 'parties - drinking and all of that crazy stuff, I feel sad and uncomfortable being around women. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love women and when I do have sexual intercourse, I'm all about pleasuring them. It's just that I feel left out.
Long have I thought what it might be but the articles that I've been reading tonight are the first ones to really clear things up for me. I do masturbate often, I'm talking 3-4 times a day. Just for the sake of ejaculating. It's become and obsession.
I feel that this whole thing is controlling my life at the moment and I just don't feel confident.
I suffer from this problem as well all my friends tell me to get checked but i know its a real problem. most people would love to last 45 minutes or more but for me i hate, masterbation for can be done in less than 5 minutes and i think another comment that i read is right is that your penis is so use to ur bones in your hands and the speed of the wrist you produce that having sex would never get that exact feeling for the girl.
I used to be very quick, but now in my mid-30s can easily go over an hour without orgasm. It does cause problems with women, who like it at first but fairly quickly start getting sore from the daily "grind" and frankly aren't always up for a couple hours of exercise. Also, I've seen a girl lose a lot of self esteem when her oral skills aren't sufficient to bring orgasm and she just gets a sore neck instead. So I agree it causes some problems.
However, as someone who experienced being too quick and also very long, I have to say it is still much preferable to be long. And I imagine it is even worse for guys who can't get it up at all.
So people should stop being so dissatisfied and look at the situation as "half full" instead of "half empty". yes there are real issues, but having delayed orgasm is way better than any other problem with your erections you could possibly have, so just learn to use it for what it is worth and be happy.
The main thing I learned is to teach my partners to not be upset if I have to finish by hand, or even not at all. Don't get worked up about it being some sort of problem, just counsel your girl so that she is happy with getting her pleasure and then you finish yourself and everyone is satisfied.
i am 23 years of age and anytime i go to bed with my partner it does not last long and i will ejaculate.
I am 31 and have had 5 partners in my life. Three of them have never experienced my orgasm, the other two were hit or miss but when I DID finish, it was after about 3 or 4 hours. I have tried abstaining from masturbation and am in a porn addiction program, so HOPEFULLY my next girlfriend will work out as far as orgasms go.
****I am a medical doctor and a sex therapist. The penis was meant for vaginal sex, not sex with your hand. They are 2 different things with 2 different feelings. Once your penis is used to the feelings of the bones in your fingers rubbing against it and the vigorous action, vaginal sex won't cause ejaculation. The vaginal walls are soft and your hips can't move as fast as your hand. STOP MASTURBATING and have NO sex for 2 months. Then have vaginal sex and your problem will be solved.
Wow this is a revelation to me. not that i thought that i was the only sufferer, but you sometimes wonder. I'm 42 been sexually active since my 20's got 9 year old kid so it does work, its just each and every new relationship it becomes progressively harder and harder to face that moment when she turns to you and asks is it something she is doing or not doing, and you reassure her whilst at the same time feeling like shit yourself cos you cant seem to perform the simplest function that your body was designed for.
I really wish i could crack this one. I think to much porn has probably desensitized me somewhat and definately need to abstain from that but after uve seen her come, over and over, you kinda feel you have earned it lol
Hi, its so fascinating to learn that we share the same frustration. when i was younger i used to ejaculate early and it bothered me so much. now that im older 35 i take too long to ejaculate if i hape to. im not too sure waht the cause of the problem is, masturbation or/. im looking forward to find a solution. good luck to you guys too
i am a young man just got married,i and my pathner have never enjoyed sex since last year we got married, because anytime we stared having sex,before you could know it i have already release and will be unable to satisfy my pathner,i mean i ejaculate quickly,thereby not making the it a fun.my pathner is not happy with me,i want to know how and what do i do to stay long so that we can enjoy sex before ejaculating.i always wish to see my pathner reach orgasm before me.
Rgds.
Emma
hi ,i have got a problem while hand shake or intercourse with my girl friend, with in one minute am ejaculating i feel bad wat to do for delay ejaculate.. am 21 year
Im taking corex for the last 12years,n ì ejaculate very rare during sex,even after 2hr or more.sex without taking corex sometimes causes premature ejacultion,but taking corex it doesnt happen at all
hi im 20 and ive only orgasmed 3 times with a girl in my life its my most recent girlfriend. its extremly disapoiting. and its not like i havent been around ive slepped with 20+ girls and it just doesnt happen....
I'm actually only 18.
The first time i had sex it lasted 45minutes (wich on itself is not normal) and I didn't even ejaculate.
But even before i noticed that i could never ejaculate from oral sex.
I have no problem masturbating in front of my girlfriend or even ejaculating close to her.
I think i have too much on my mind about performance, but the steps on this page haven't helped me.
It's breaking my head, due to frustration i masturbate when i'm alone, atleast 6-7 times a day. And i never get tired...
What is wrong with me, Please someone help me :s
I think it is mostly in my head, so to speak. I masterbate, fregquently, which I knew was bad. My Love is an amazing woman. Never met such a gorgeous and generous girl, as well as super-beautiful. I must refrain from masterbating. She is warm, wet, and certainly takes hold of my member with her love, so I got to get on the stick, or off, stop touching it. An Orgasm certainly releases a lot of stress and tention build-up. God, how I love this girl. I can't wait to explode inside of her. It is the most amazing love that anyone could ever hope, dream, and find. She'll always be mine. Happy Valentines Day!
I apologize for the length of my post. This article sounds very promising and I am glad that there are doctors out there addressing this problem. I am 18 years old and have been with a few partners, I have had essentially the same experiences as randy said he had in his posts. When I was slightly younger I would not climax from hand jobs, and other methods of sexual stimulation, at first I didn't think this was a concern I just thought I needed a more intense type of stimulation "sex", but still after many sexual partners the problem persisted. I can count the times I have ejaculated in front of a girl on one hand. One time I came too earlier than expected during intercourse and it was because I was afraid my mother would be home any minute; Another time I was with a girl and had not masturbated for a month or so, and I erupted within a minute of her touching it. I am convinced that contributing factor to my problem is masturbation, I started very early (pre-adolescence) and have done it very frequently (at least once a week sometimes more sometimes less. I have found a beautiful girlfriend who I care for deeply, and we have had Intercourse twice, she had quite a good time, but I was again disappointed, I am dread that she will feel inadequate and or that she isn't enough for me. I also suffer from "blue balls" (I do not know the medical term) occasionally and I am forced to masturbate after a sexual encounter where I do not climax, this poses a problem because its very painful and when I masturbate my urge is fulfilled which subsequently prolongs the problem. I am going to try abstaining from my lover for a week, without any masturbation, and then having intercourse, If this doesn't work I will try your method, which any of the steps I have tried but not with such scientific trial and error.
Thank you
I'm very young and not to experienced and I find myself having this problem. When I lost my virginity I lasted for 3 hours before my gf had to give up. Today I have never ejaculated because of a girl but am always able to masturbate infront of them once they have given up and ejaculate. The problem may be in my head cus I've always wanted to give pleasure back but since I last so long they always end with soreness...
I am a 21 year old male. Perfectly healthy, i go to the gym 2-3 times a week. I am able to masturbate just fine, and it's only like once every 6 or 7 times that I have sex with my girlfriend that I am unable to ejaculate, even after having sex for 45+ minutes and having her go down on me or give me a handjob.
Your solutions are interesting, but I don't think that's a solution that will work for me. Is there anything else?
I was wondering, what if I don't have sex for lets say two weeks. Maybe then I would be so backed up till a mere touch would make a welcoming respond to may sex life. I really wish they would create some sort of pill or medicine like those with premature ejaculation or impotence. Right now Im in another relationship and once again my girl is feeling like I don't find her attractive and it is making me feel pathetic to the point of giving up hope. It is such a blow to my confidence that I feel like a child. I would rather premature ejaculation any day.
HELP!!!
Everytime me and my girlfriend have sex weather it be vaginal or oral it takes me the longest time to ejaculate. Im only 18 years old, and everyone says lasting long is a good thing, but I wish it only took me 10 minutes sometimes becuase she always makes me stop because she says it hurts too much.
I have suffered from delayed ejaculation as well. After years of searching for answers I have found something that is working GREAT for me. Although the remedies for the opposite problem (premature ejaculation) are abundant on the web, I kept running into dead ends. Then I started to wonder if perhaps low testosterone levels (which also can cause erectile dysfunction and impotency) might also be at the root of my issues. To make a very long story short, here's what has been working for me (I have been climaxing in under 5 minutes - which is a welcome change from an hour or more!) - and I feel confident that I can delay my climax if I decide that is important - for now, I'm enjoying the ability to climax quickly!!!) Anyway...a combination of supplements and physical treatments have proven amazingly helpful.
I find if I finish after my wife has ejaculated and she touches my scrotum then it is quick. Without the touching not so good.
between 18-20 i've had penetrative sex with 6 women and only one has made me cum, and that after a long time. the focus on mental barriers seems exaggerated - emphasis on latent homosexuality, religious fears, personality traits etc. i find quite amusing.
it's purely physical in my case and i suspect that's the case with a lot of guys in their early 20s, although this has not been analysed much. i actually don't consider it a problem (as i don't want to be a father) but it's psychologically devastating for chicks - actually makes them angry. an attack on the female ego turns it into a problem. just fake it somewhere between 45min-1hr which is easy enough. more difficult is the part where they cuddle you and you're still hard - bit of a giveaway.
sex is definitely pleasurable but there's no way a girl could replicate the speed of my wrist, which is what i've been used to since 11yo. i feel like i've trained myself to a higher level of endurance.
if i wanted to 'cure' myself, i'd ignore the 'feeling comfortable near the vagina' advice and stop using hand masturbation, maybe buy myself a fleshlight (artificial pussy) and teach myself to orgasm at a lower tempo. this is practical advice which i'd take myself if i felt the need.
I have had this problem for 11 years. My doctor says that there is nothing phyiscally wrong with me. I have had long term relationships and many prositutes. Nothing seems to make a difference. I masterbate to porn and have no problem.
I am afraid to get in a relationship because of this problem. I have be sober for 11 year from crack and alcohol.
I told one of my girlfriends about it, and she did not understand. I will try your solution with my next partner. I hope it works.
Hi, well i have this problem and in the beginnig i thought of it as a good thing cause nobody complained,but now i feel like a human dildo. its not fair that they get all the pleasure. I'm 25 and i've been sexualy active since i was 17, ive been in 2 long relationships and i've only come 3 times during sex, masturbation works fine for me but neither oral or normal sex works for me. maybe i should circumcizie or something, but people tell me that it makes it worse, so i dont know what to do. i think that what you said about "the man is so concerned about giving his partner pleasure that he loses track of his own." applies to me, and also the fear of "Daddyhood." Arent there any pills for this, iam single now and i cant follow those steps with any girls, they'll freak out!lol
from a female who really cares about her man, this is a relatively new sexual relationship approx 6 months old. We've known each other years though. On my end, it is difficult to feel that he isn't experiencing any relief of which i'd too think very frustrating. He doesn't speak of, nor has he ever mentioned his not climaxing, nor have I, it's not of a faking nature....just that i really care for his feelings and this is new to me. So what can i or should i say, that is supportive and considerate as don't want to offend, hurt or damage the relationship as we have so much outside of the bedroom. The chaffing and hours do wear on us, and yet he never complains or says a word, and i'm concerned about his feeling he has to handle alone as if to not mention means i don't realize or recognize, i'm 50 and not a world traveler, but not above wanting more for him in our sex life. So fella's please advise, what's best for me to do or say, or partake in....i care and need some advice here. Thanks
I think the medication I'm on is causing this. It really does seem like a punchline, given that society tells us that "stamina" and lasting a long time is desirable-- but I hate giving up when my partner complains that I'm chafing her. It does kind of make me feel like a loser. I can ejaculate during sex sometimes but it's always a great effort, while by myself it's no problem. I feel like I'm getting soooooo close but can't quite make it over the last ridge. Thanks for this helpful article, it does give me some hope.