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How Early Attachments Affect Romantic Relationships
Attachment is a measure of the degree and style of bonding between two people. John Bowlby developed the first measure of attachment in children, and his test has remained one of the most widely respected in the entire field of psychology. Children’s attachment styles are heavily affected by their relationships with their parents. But interestingly, these attachment styles continue to affect children for the rest of their lives. A child who reacts with anger to parental separation is very likely to react the same way twenty years later to separation from a spouse. Thus it’s vitally important that parents form strong, healthy attachments with their children. Here are the attachment styles recognized by Bowlby and the ways they can affect you throughout your life.
Secure Attachment
This healthy form of attachment comes from attentive parenting and lots of nurturing. Children whose parents were comfortable, mentally stable and who spent lots of time with them are most likely to grow into adults with healthy attachments. Securely attached children may cry briefly when their parents leave, but then are able to function and play with another adult. When their parents return, they greet them joyously. Adults with this attachment style have the most success in relationships and lower conflict in marriage and in friendships.
Insecure: Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Children with anxious attachment patterns typically have parents who are very loving sometimes and very distant at other times. Consequently, these children learn that they can’t rely on other people to meet their needs and that present kindness does not necessarily indicate future kindness and love. They may react with absolute despair to separation from a parent, and when the parent returns seek contact but also react with anger. As adults, these children tend to be especially needy and codependent because they are not confident in others’ desire to stick around and love them.
Insecure: Avoidant Attachment
As children, people with avoidant attachment styles had parents who did not respond to them when they cried and who showed little interest in their emotions. Consequently, these children learn that their needs are unimportant and that emotions do not convey important information. When their parents leave them, the children tend not to notice, and may react the same to each caregiver, regardless of how well they know the caregiver. When these children grow into adults, they tend to have few close relationships. Spouses may be frustrated by the lack of intimacy in their relationships.
Insecure: Disorganized or Fearful Attachment
Children with disorganized attachment patterns often have frightening caregivers who exhibit erratic behavior such as yelling, drinking and abuse. These children long for closeness and attachment, but have learned that the people they love are sources of fear. The frequently develop tics and stereotypies when their parents leave them. A stereotypy, like the name implies, is a stereotyped, repetitive behavior that results from stress and may include pacing, nail biting, self-mutilation, mumbling, and numerous other behaviors that occur at a semi-conscious level. They may pace, fidget or even bang their heads. As adults, these children long for close relationships with others, but have difficulty achieving them because they do not have the requisite social skills and are too fearful of intimacy to actually achieve it. They may alternative between extreme neediness and extreme distance, making it very difficult for loved ones to adapt to their behavior.
Parents should strive to form strong, responsive attachments to their children in the first years of life to prevent attachment problems. Respond to your child’s cries and never ignore feelings or neediness in children. If you are an adult with attachment difficulties, it is possible to reformulate your attachment style with therapy. If you’re in a relationship, you may want to consider couples counseling with a therapist specializing in attachment and family of origin issues.
Sources:
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2008). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical
applications. New York, NY: Guilford Press.