SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

You make an interesting analogy to a drug addiction. Addicts use substances to relieve themselves of some inner tension, anxiety, loneliness, or other intolerable emotions. The drug becomes an escape from the pain of daily life.

For the most part, compulsive behaviors in general serve to quiet an inner discomfort, emptiness or anxiety. In a similar fashion, your obsession with women may well be a distraction from your feelings of inner discomfort.

It sounds like you are more interested in possessing a woman than you are interested in having a relationship with her. Judging from your willingness to quit jobs, and from your desperate tone, I would wonder whether you have other interests, hobbies, friends, community involvement, spirituality, etc.

In other words, how fulfilled is your life? Are you looking to find a woman who will give your life meaning and direction? Do you believe that a woman will be a panacea for you unhappiness? Are you looking to a woman to fulfill your life?

Much like the drug addict, who looks to the drugs to fill the spaces in his/her life, you may be looking to a woman to fill your life. If that's the case, the relationship is doomed from the start. No one person can or should be expected to be all things to another person.

There are several things you can do to change your behavior. The first thing is to seek professional help. A competent psychologist or psychotherapist can help you understand more completely what the driving force is behind your obsession and help you gain a clearer perspective on your own goals and directions in life. The important thing to consider when looking for a therapist is their competence in this specialty area of relationships. Not everyone graduates at the top of their class, and not every therapist is an expert at everything. If you want relationship therapy, make sure you screen the therapist properly first. If they aren't willing to answer your questions, keep looking until you find someone who is willing to prove their competence. While many questions might not be appropriate for you to ask them about their relationship history, here are a few appropriate questions to ask over the phone, before you schedule your first appointment:

How long have they been in practice? What specialty training have they received for relationship work? How many people are they treating now (individually or in couples)? How many people have they treated in the past?

Secondly, it is important that you develop other interests, social activities, and friends to fill out your life. Develop a sense a purpose and a passion within the context of a balanced life.

At present it sounds as if your life has taken on the single focus that you need a girlfriend. This puts a great deal of pressure on any potential mate.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.