SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

It appears that your boyfriend is trying to hold on to his past while saying that he is committed to you. By maintaining a list of old girlfriends he is able to continue to see himself as a player with his harem. Were this not the case, he would have no objection to your maintaining contact with your old beaus.

In principle, there is nothing wrong with men and women maintaining contact with former lovers as friends. After all, they were intimate at one time and in love.

Just because the love stops does not mean that the friendship must end. However, it is very difficult to maintain this in practice.

When people separate, there are usually residual feelings held by at least one of the parties. Furthermore a new partner may feel jealous, threatened, or just uncomfortable with an old girlfriend or boyfriend of their lover.

Men Women Dating Doesn't Include Ex-lovers

Except in rare circumstances where the friendship with an ex-lover has had time to mature and work out the unfinished business, out of respect for one's partner, and in order to reduce the potential conflict, it is often best to make a clean break with one's past.

The other issue you raise, about having opposite sexed friendships, is a very different issue. These are friendships that have no prior romantic/sexual history.

Men and women should have friends of both sexes. Anyone who tries to prohibit their partner from having platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, has insecurities that should be resolved.

Your boyfriend seems to be in this category. Possessiveness and jealousy always are signs of insecurity. He may be projecting his fantasies of his relationships onto you, believing that you would be doing with your friends that which he is thinking or doing with his.

His view of men women dating is one-sided. Discuss this with him and make your needs for an equal relationship known.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.