Self-help Articles

By Sam J. Buser, Ph.D.

Question: My friends tell me I'm obsessed with getting even with my ex-wife. Is this normal?

A: If you're so angry at your ex-wife that you can't think of much else, we commend you on acknowledging your obsession. You are probably right. You are not going to be able to make much progress on making a future until you can let go of some of that feeling towards the ex.

Sometimes letting go of anger is made more difficult by remembering what happened during the divorce process. You may wonder how she could have thought of some of the things she did, or said some of the things she said. We have seen many men struggle for a long time over comments from the wife such as "I haven't loved you in ____ years" or "You were always too controlling." People often make extreme statements during a divorce to justify their decision to leave the marriage. Later, in retrospect, they frequently regret having made such comments or even forget having made them at all. Many people come to realize that their ex wasn't nearly so bad, and may even have fond memories.

Question: How should I express my anger?

A: Women often say that men aren't into their feelings. Actually, men are into their feelings, and we have them just as intensely as do women -- after all, we have the same nervous systems. Research even indicates that men's and women's emotional experience is essentially similar.

Many men, however, have not learned to associate their feelings with words, particularly when the feelings are intense or sudden. Psychologist Ron Levant has labeled this phenomenon "normative male alexythymia," which means it is typical ("normative" / normal) for men to have no words to describe their feelings. It is not an unusual condition. It turns out this is the case for many women, too, but as men we're not off the hook. Men need to learn to use language to express our emotions more fully. Fortunately, this skill can be improved.

Think of a child who has a parent whose anger goes from one extreme to another. Sometimes -- perhaps most of the time -- the parent seems to show little, if any, anger. However, the next moment the parent may display extreme rage. Wisely, the child learns to avoid the parent who is enraged. Such a child grows up with a very black and white conception of anger, perceiving such feelings as operating like a light switch-either totally on, or totally off.

A healthier way to think about anger, though, is to conceive of it as more like a rheostat in which the light is controlled by the dimmer-switch. Children who grow up with parents in the "rheostat-type" home see their parents with varying shades of anger. Sometimes, the parent is mildly "ticked-off," at other times annoyed, occasionally petulant, angry, or maybe even just plain mad! These children learn cues and clues to recognize diverse emotional states and behave differently according to what type of anger is being expressed.

They also develop a wider repertoire of behaviors to express their own feelings of anger. Furthermore, they learn that one can care for (and love) another person while still being angry with him or her. These children perceive that anger in a relationship reflects disappointment that something is wrong and needs to be fixed so the relationship can once again be close. They don't view anger as signaling danger or the end of the relationship.

Don't hide from your feelings, including anger. Use your feelings in constructive ways. For instance, learn about all the shades of anger. Understand that the opposite of love is not anger, but indifference. Often the presence of "healthy" anger shows the presence of love.

If you find it impossible to let go of your anger towards your ex, you may need to talk with a psychologist or psychotherapist. For most of us, though, those angry feelings recede with time. Get busy in some new projects: the trip you postponed, the business idea you put on hold, or getting down to "catching weight" (i.e., making yourself more attractive).

About the Author:

Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. is past-president of the Texas Psychological Association and a member of the American Psychological Association's Division 51 (Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity). With more than 20 years of experience in treating men, Buser is an adjunct faculty member of the Counseling Psychology Program at the University of Houston, teaching graduate courses in marital and family therapy. He has appeared on the nationally syndicated Montell Williams Show, and is featured frequently on local radio and television programs as an expert on a variety of psychological topics. He earned his Ph.D. from the University of Texas.
Excerpted in part from The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and on with Life, Sex, and Relationships by Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. and Glenn F. Sternes, Ph.D. (bayoupublishing.com).