SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

There are at least three issues being raised here. First, there is the issue of your wife's anger; second there's the issue of your not seeing your parents with or without your son; third is the issue of the amount of time and energy your wife devotes to cleaning and maintaining the house.

Though they all may be related, let's see if we can address them one at a time. First, let's look at your wife's anger and defensiveness as you have described it.

There is nothing you can do about her behavior. You cannot change her. Only she can do that. But you do not have to participate in the dance. It takes two people to debate and two people to fight.

You do not have to engage in her debates. You do not have to engage in the fight. And most important, you do not have to be intimidated by her anger. Perhaps once she sees that she cannot control you with her attacks or defensiveness, she might decide to change, with or without professional help.

Secondly, there's the issue of your seeing your family with your son. It appears that you are either wanting your wife to go with you to visit your family or you are wanting her permission to visit them.

There is some truth to the statement that if you do not see your family it is your responsibility. You can go visit them and you can take your son. You may, of course, have to pay the price of your wife's attack on you.

My impression is that it is her reaction to your visiting your family that you may be trying to avoid. I know that a spouse's anger can make one's life miserable.

In either case, whether you do what you want to do or not, your wife will still express her anger toward you. The issue is whether you do what you want to do and have her be angry or not do what you want to do and have her be angry.

Third, is the issue of what sounds like compulsive housecleaning. Without going into the underlying psychological issues related to compulsive behavior, and without "psychoanalyzing" your wife, let us just look at your involvement. Again, you seem to be participating in the dance.

Both Partners Participate In The Marriage Relationship

Often when I hear complaints about a spouse, I am left wondering about the participation of the other partner. We cannot control or change someone else's behavior. But we do not have to participate in it.

If we change the dance so that we are dancing to our own tune, and we continue to stay focused on it, it is more likely that our partner will change than if we dance to their tune. You talk as though your wife controls your life.

If she wants to spend the weekend cleaning and working around the house, why does that necessarily mean that you have to participate? Your marriage relationship can improve, once you learn your part in the dance.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.