SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

In this second part of this series marriage and divorce is discussed as a generational issue rather than an issue of failure.

Marriage And Divorce Is Effected By Our Growing Life Expectancy

A magazine article I recently read stated that people, particularly women, who are currently age 65 are expected to live until 85. Younger people are expected to live longer, into their 90s. More and more people are reaching the age of 100 and beyond. It is becoming commonplace for people to have more than one career in a lifetime. After all, a youngster of 65 still has another 20 or more years in which to begin a new career. Young people today no longer think about a career that they will be in for the rest of their life; they think more about their "first" career, fully expecting a second or perhaps third career to follow.

These same young people are thinking about marriage in a similar vein. Many of them recognize that the concept of marriage "until death do us part" is more a figurative use of the phrase than a literal use. People currently in their 40s who married while in their 20s are realizing that to have one partner for a lifetime may be highly improbable. When you think about it, it is rather a minor miracle that two people, from different backgrounds, with different histories, and different needs, can find each other and live together for 20 or 30 years. But to live together for 50, 60, or 70 years...! The likelihood of two people growing in similar directions and similar paces would appear to be small. People in their 20s have different values, expectations, needs, and interests than they may have when in their 40s. And people in their 40s may be different than those in their 60s. Priorities and goals change. People change. As friends may grow apart as people grow and change, so may spouses.

Yet, in spite of the odds, many people are able to make marriage at least tolerable for many decades. Some people grow together, while others grow separately but are sufficiently satisfied with one another to remain together.

Contemporary marriages have to rely upon different models than in previous generations. The metamorphosis of marriage has been underway since the 1950s. The models represented by "Father Knows Best,” “I Love Lucy,” and “Leave It To Beaver,” where the man was the provider and the woman was the housewife, was the model of the day. In the 1980s we began to see a different model of marriage as represented by “The Cosby Show,” where two professional people were married and raising a family.

In previous generations a woman was taught to accommodate - to put aside her needs in favor of the needs of the man. She was to accommodate her needs to him. This model of marriage reduced women to the status of wife, while elevating men to the status of husband. The power lay with the husband.

In a marriage of equals, constant accommodation on the part of one person will eventually cause resentment and subsequently conflict. Compromise and negotiation, on the other hand, recognizes the equality of both parties as they seek an equitable and mutually satisfying solution to a problem. In compromise, neither party may get exactly what they want at any given time. In these marriages preservation and enhancement of the relationship is more important than getting what one wants. Couples must learn to let go the argument in the service of maintaining an intimate connection. When being right and winning becomes more important than the relationship, the marriage will be in trouble.

One of the most important aspects of contemporary marriage is learning how to negotiate. A successful marriage today has more in common with business negotiations than with “Father Knows Best.” The better able a couple is in learning the skills of negotiation, the less conflict they will experience and the greater their satisfaction.

When either party is more interested in winning, not able or not willing to negotiate, and has poor communication skills, the more likely they will have the kinds of difficulties that will lead them to consider divorce.

Divorce: Failure Or Change?

Many people inappropriately believe that divorce means that they have failed. Not that the marriage failed, but that they personally failed - hence they are a failure. It is as though they believe that when people marry it is supposed to last forever, as though it were preordained; thus, if the marriage ends they must have done something wrong to make it happen.

As we can see from the forgoing analysis, many factors contribute to the decision to divorce. No one takes the issue of divorce lightly. Endings, however, are a part of life. Everything has a life expectancy. People are finite, imperfect beings, living in an imperfect, constantly evolving, constantly changing world.

Change is the only constant. Hence, marriage is constantly evolving and imperfect. Sometimes two people are able to grow, change, and evolve in similar directions, sometimes not. Sometimes our expectations remain constant, more often they change. Sometimes our expectations are the same as our partners, and sometimes not. The longer we live, the more possibility for change to be in different directions. "Til death do us part" is more likely when we live to be 50 than when we live to be 100. Marriage and divorce is constantly evolving as we evolve, so remember to never look at either as a failure.

Proceed to Part III

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.