SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

This is a very common story. Two people in marriages that have lost their luster, find one another. They find romance in the meeting a stranger and the beginning of a marital affair.

It all seems so very exciting. The adrenaline surges through your veins, and you feel as though this is the best romance since Romeo and Juliet.

The problem is that these two people are operating out of need, dissatisfaction, fantasy and boredom. They are not meeting as two independent strangers who meet for the first time.

The relationship is based on similar baggage and conspiracy. It is not based on freedom and autonomy.

There are other people involved, including four children. What attempts have been made to revitalize your marriages? What professional help have you sought to gain a perspective on your life and your marriage?

How realistic are you being about a life together? What impact will breaking up two families have on your self-respect, the lives of your children, her children, and their respect for each of you?

Have you done everything in your power to make your own marriage work before deciding to move on to greener pastures? Would you be considering dissolving your marriage independent of the affair you are having?

You ask, "What is the best thing to do?" The best thing for you both to do is spend your energies working on your respective marriages. If that fails and you want a divorce, then do so.

Live alone for a while. Be sure that you are not simply moving from one situation to the other.

You and your lover only know each other in the context of having a marital affair. To be fair to yourselves, you might want to get to know one another in a different context.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.