SelfhelpMagazine

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

It takes a lot of courage for someone with worrisome male fantasies to ask a professional about them, even in an online forum. Congratulations for asking your question here!

Having worries about sexual fantasies can indeed put a damper of the real thing, but it does not need to. Hopefully, by the time you finish reading this article, you will have a sense of your different options.

Let's start by talking about fantasies. Many people have fantasies that they do not act out, that is, fantasies that they do not give expression to in the real world.

For example, to use a non-sexual example, you might be hurried in a grocery store, and think of pushing the s-l-o-w person in front of you to get them out of your way. But in real life, you don't push them. You smile, fold your hands, wait for them to finish, and when they've gotten out of your way, you proceed.

Contrary to many religious beliefs, most psychologists will tell you that there is nothing wrong with having any particular fantasy. In fact, fantasies are considered a key to our inner life and can hold valuable clues that we might need to heed.

In the example above, this fantasy might be telling you how overly hurried you are, how stressed you are and perhaps, how much you may need to start learning to de-stress your life. Fantasies viewed this way are helpful tools that let us understand our inner selves more deeply, more intimately than anyone in our outer world could ever realize.

Spice is Nice

Secondly, having fantasies doesn't keep most people from enjoying the real sexual contact they do have. Quite the contrary, fantasies often add the needed spice to keep a sexual life going strong. Let me explain:

Research has shown that most people have sexual fantasies of one kind or another. They will see or hear or smell someone they find sexy in the real world, or imagine a scene with them that they find arousing, and then, bring it home. These fantasies do not interfere with their married relationships in any way. In fact, those fantasies can and usually are brought into the bedroom through fantasy while having sexual contact with a chosen partner.

When in committed relationship, the unsoken agreement is typically one of knowing this and accepting it in one's partner, and allowing those fantasies to be present in the bedroom. At least in the American culture, it is common for partners to have actual physical contact with their partner while fantasizing about someone or something else at the same time.

The unspoken agreement for monogamous couples, then is, "Ok, we both know we are human beings and over time, will find many people stimulating. That's fine. But our agreement is that we will only share our bodies with each other. Our minds, however go free, and we won't talk about it."

Fighting Boredom in the Bedroom

When this routine gets to be boring or a problem for the couple, many good psychotherapists will ask people to open their eyes and look at each other - to introduce a little variety into such fantasy-rich but contact-poor love-making.

That very same therapist may then take the next step and ask the partners who previously had their eyes closed to talk about what they were imagining.

When couples venture into these riskier waters, they can often find a goldmine of information about themselves and their partners, and often, a renewed sense of excitement (spice) in their bedrooms. They might learn to talk about their fantasies in a way that becomes arousing for both partners. Yet, they keep it to the confines of their committed relationship.

Yet other couples will invite the object of their fantasies into their actual physical world and live out the fantasy. Each step is riskier than the last, and may or may not be something you want to explore. I only mention all three possibilities because they each are a progression beyond keeping the fantasy within yourself and not talking about it.

Male Fantasies as a Problem

When recurring fantasies are viewed in the light of day, they often show us a side to ourselves that we are afraid to admit, or afraid to breathe life into. Our natural tendency might be then, to hide that side of ourselves, and even from ourselves.
Fantasies then, can become a problem if you feel embarrassed about them and still keep them inside.

Feeling embarrassment is not the problem, many people feel embarrassment and live to talk about it.

In fact, expressing embarrassment is not a common cause of death, (although when faced with something very embarassing, some people may feel as if they will die).
Luckily, expressing embarassment to safe listener can have quite the opposite effect: it can send a wave of renewed excitement and freedom through you.

The problem then, is in refusing to allow yourself to express the fantasy and refusing to keep breathing through the embarrassment until it is absorbed and digested.

Embarrassment is most often the result of pent-up feeling. Once voiced, the preoccupation can dissipate. The proof is in the fact that the more someone tries to push away an embarrassing fantasy, the more it can preoccupy their daydreams or even night time dreams.

The trick then, is to find someone safe to talk to about your embarrassing fantasies. If that person happens to be your partner, all the better. You might need some time, but the goal is to work steadily toward developing a level of freedom and comfort so you can both discuss any fantasy that surfaces.

If you cannot manage to voicing your embarrassment and fantasy to your partner in whatever you consider a reasonable amount of time, it's ok ... you can hire someone to listen to you!

These types of feelings, BTW, need not lead to years of therapy. Often, the underlying issue and resolution can be found rather quickly. This of course, all depends on you and how you tick. Find a gay or lesbian center for a referral and see if you can develop the level of trust you need to reveal all your thoughts.

You will most likely find that the world does not fall apart. Most people find a refreshing sense of great relief. Everyone is different, though, so take the time you need and find the right person for you.

You also mention you're not very interested in anal intercourse. Some gay men are very interested in it, and some are not. There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring some types of sexual activities to others. If this continues to be a concern, this is another topic that you might bring up with a therapist that you find trustworthy.

In any case, you've made a great start by bringing your concerns about male fantasies here, and I wish you only the best in your search to find yourself through fuller self-expression.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.