Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

How hard it is to listen well! Can you think of anyone from your growing up years who you felt really listened to you? What conveyed that sense of attentiveness?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Eliminate distractions. Listening never seems to work well when we have one eye on the TV or computer screen. Turn it off!
2. Face the person to whom you want to listen . Look at him/her. Nonverbals can tell you a great deal about what he/she is feeling. Pay attention not only to what he/she says but how they say it.
3. Ask an occasional question to make sure you're understanding. This also communicates that you are interested and paying attention.
4. You can also do what is known as reflection. This involves reflecting back what you are hearing the other person say. For example, let's suppose that your girlfriend is telling you about a frustrating conversation she had with a co- worker.
   Reflection might include saying something like "Sounds like it was a pretty frustrating conversation for you." Reflection is more than simply repeating what the other person says. It involves some thought on how he/she might be feeling.
5. Finally, give some thought to how well you listen to yourself. Can you easily identify your own feelings? Do you judge or discount yourself a lot? If we don't listen at all to ourselves, we may be hard pressed to listen to others.

Improving your listening skills will help you in all of your interpersonal relationships. Good luck!

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.